How do I curb wife's spending

Pay_no_attention

StixUK wrote: »

I have read the last page and I have to say I've had a 7 year ongoing battle with my wife to stop spending without thinking and to take ownership of the money that she is spending.

I'm left 100% in control of the family budget, everything from income to outgoings, it is all my responsibility to manage.


My wife NEVER looks at the simple budget planner I have created and used for years and chooses to only look at the bank balance, which never reveals the true situation.


Now I don't know what clicked inside my wife but all of a sudden, she communicates with me and asks me how much we have to spend on food, fuel, etc etc.


I had a raring blaring go at her because the stress of dealing with it and her not listening to me made me ill.


I say I don't know....she did have to pay the credit card bill for me and I analyse every single transaction to allocate to the budget planner and because she wanted to check something on there I asked her to pay what she owes for clothing etc (as she gets a monthly allowance for clothing the kids - she does it better than me) and she rang me all stressed out because she couldn't understand why the figures weren't matching up. I told her that is has been like that for me for years, having to sit like that tearing my hair out, as keeping an eye on the money is important and I feel it is necessary for your own peace of mind.


I don't know what will work for you, but I once told my wife I was leaving her at one point and I went for 3 weeks because I didn't want to be with someone who didn't communicate with me or share the same ideals as me and I would be better off without (mentally that is).

Gosh I cannot believe how much of your post is so similar to my situation.
My wife does not want the responsibility of anything to do with the finances I have done it for the last 20 years and to a certain extent I was even doing it for her when we was separated for 4 years.
I do not think my wife realises what's involved with running the budget and how time consuming and stressful it can be.
The task is made even harder when you trying to repay a large amount of debt
I see you are in a similar situation debt wise too.

Prothet_of_Doom

StixUK wrote: »

My wife NEVER looks at the simple budget planner I have created and used for years and chooses to only look at the bank balance, which never reveals the true situation.


I don't know what will work for you.

Luckily my wife has no credit card, but we have a side account, which I move money to, to save for the once a year bills, but I also use it to keep our current account balance on the 'light' side, because she chooses not to look or plan, but appears to have an internal red, amber, green warning system. Get more than £1200 in there she'll spend on anything, get less than £600 in there and she'll use soil to make coffee (well that's what it tastes like) but inbetween she makes normal rational buying decisions.

maman

While I sympathise hugely, it's hard for me to identify with the stresses of managing the family finances. I've happily done that for years BUT with a very supportive DH who does nothing to sabotage. (That's a bit of a shorthand as DH does pay certain fixed bills and puts some expenditure on his own cc but he's meticulous in separating household from personal spending when it comes to settling the bill.) We choose to live like this because DH takes responsibility for other aspects and I'm good at it!;)

I've thought about pna's situation and compared it with my own. I think the problem lies with the fact that you want your wife to be involved, share your necessary financial goals and she'd prefer to be an ostrich! That would be acceptable if you had plenty of spare cash to indulge her but you don't! My solution would be to take over the finances to an extent where she had nothing to manage but her own 'pocket money'. Even that pocket money would be severely limited to reflect your financial situation. It sounds harsh but if she can't be trusted to budget household money wisely (or fritter it on herself) then that may be the only alternative. You've tried giving her limited responsibility for part of the grocery budget for one month and she barely made it last two weeks. It may be that just one month isn't a fair chance, especially as next month outgoings should drop when your daughter goes away.

So, I'd suggest you stand firm on this month's budget and perhaps give her a chance to do better in September. If she kicks up a fuss then you have an alternative.

P.S. Glad to hear your mum's going to spoil you! Hope you're lucky finding new tenants.:)

ViolaLass

maman, I don't disagree with you but I do think the wife should be given more than one months' chance at managing the food budget, otherwise she doesn't really get a chance to learn from her mistakes (assuming she will learn).

maman

ViolaLass wrote: »

maman, I don't disagree with you but I do think the wife should be given more than one months' chance at managing the food budget, otherwise she doesn't really get a chance to learn from her mistakes (assuming she will learn).

I agree with you but I do think pna should stand firm and not supplement this month's budget.

I'm just hoping she can't put things on credit for the rest of this month.

ViolaLass

maman wrote: »

I agree with you but I do think pna should stand firm and not supplement this month's budget.

Completely agree.

Pay_no_attention

Hello everyone

I'm now in England and will be for the next five days.
An interesting incident this morning when I was getting dropped off, I was sorting out some money to pay for a few little jobs that I have organised to be done on the house. When my wife seen the money she asked are you going to leave some of that here? I said I've left money for the bills that have got to be paid. She then asked again as I was getting out the car at airport. Did you leave some of that money?
I know now the budget must have all been spent and she has no money left. I didn't buckle and leave any,but she has access to money that's in the house so I got this feeling some will be missing when I get back.
She wanted a drink after work last night, but conveniently when the bill came had no money to pay. I ended up paying from money allocated to bills,with what I spent earlier that day it's around £35 so I asked for it and got my head bitten off and still by the time I set off this morning I had not received it.
So septembers budget will start next week. Should I deduct what she owes me and anything else she uses whilst I'm away out of next months £300 before I give it her.

ViolaLass

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

So septembers budget will start next week. Should I deduct what she owes me and anything else she uses whilst I'm away out of next months £300 before I give it her.

What an excellent idea! That should help to get the message across. Very well done for standing firm.

Dimey

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

Hello everyone >>>>
Should I deduct what she owes me and anything else she uses whilst I'm away out of next months £300 before I give it her.

Absolutely - YES.

I think she's learning. She's not attacking you so much when you stand firm.
Of course Mrs PNA shouldn't have ordered drinks if she didn't have the money to pay for them. Neat trick you fell for in having to bale her out. It appears you were with her so both having a drnk and therefore legitimate to come out of the joint social budget. - Not the food budget.

So, yes deduct any August deficit from September before you hand out September. Be prepared to receive a lashing. Remain calm and friendly. Talk as WE rather than YOU.

ie We agreed on £300 per month and if we've overspent in August, the money to pay for the overspend has to come from somewhere - ie September. If we keep September within the reduced budget then October will be back up to the full £300.

Of course in August we didn't have me eating for a week as I was in the UK. So that helped August. And soon DD will be in UK so that will make the £300pm budget stretch further. Maybe we'll even be able to reduce it!!!!

Finally - "anything else she uses" from money you have in the house - without your permission or knowledge is back to the "stealing" situation. I don't think you should have left this temptation for her. That's not fair on her. Remember the rows last time she took money from the family behind your backs, for her own ends.

maman

ViolaLass wrote: »

What an excellent idea! That should help to get the message across. Very well done for standing firm.

I tend to agree. If what you suspect will happen while you're away is true she'll have done almost exactly what she did last month.

I'd be saying that you've reduced the budget for September because she'd helped herself to an advance but that she should be OK as there are only going to be the three of you, daughter back at school etc.

Somehow you have to plug away at this until it sinks in that there is a fixed budget for the top up groceries. I think you're being generous. £75 per week for 3 people when you provide all the storecupboard items and she's only buying fresh bits is easy!!