How do I curb wife's spending

tabbykatt2306

You could try what my hubby did for me... placed a short, medium and long term goal for our cash. It gives it all some meaning and believe me, when I am out and think 'MMmm Starbucks is calling', I have a post-it note tucked right next to my bank card with the current goal written clearly. Believe me a new car/house... holiday... or a new outfit, wins over a Caramel Macchiato any day :T

Your wife sounds like she has her head buried firmly in the sand and its gonna take a big old tug from you to get it out. I guess the big question is whether YOU are willing to do that and deal with the consequences??

Growurown

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

I have tried to get her interested before but she says it frightens her and she wants to just brush it to one side. Uses the excuse that i am better with all the figures.

So she accepts you are better with the figures and she doesn't want to know, yet she won't accept you can't afford to spend out all this money. Sounds like a typical I will bury my head in the sand and ignore the situation scenario.

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

I know we are in this together, I have realised I love my wife very much and nothing is better than having all the family together again so I try my hardest to avoid arguments starting especially over money.

But you are not in this together, not on the finances anyway. I appreciate you love your wife and don't want to argue but unless she gets involved with the finances then that just leaves you to sort them out.

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

That's when I discovered 45 was missing on top of the 35 I gave her.
What can I say when she says can I have some money in case I want a coffee or bite to eat whilst out.
I said how much do you need she said 30-40 but I will bring you the change. I never receive any. I know if I ask for it that's the start of an argument.

This isn't fair on you. It sounds as though from what you said that she is actually 'stealing' from the family pot and taking advantage of your good nature and your desire to keep things happy in the family. Is there a mental health issue here? Is she a compulsive spender?

Pay_no_attention

tabbykatt2306 wrote: »

I would maybe suggest there is more going on in your wife's head than just spend spend spend? Going from having luxuries to being on benefits is rather a big mental drop, not being able to afford all those lunches, new clothes, special treats when you are used to them can knock your self esteem right out the window. Then suddenly its back and it sounds like she is running round like a child in a sweet shop again. Believe me, Ive been there and done that! So unfortunately there is only one cure, take the sweets away and ration what she can have?

On the other hand, you need to start saying NO, not just to your wife but your daughter too.. whether they throw a tantrum is really not a concern, its not an option.. they both have to grow up and you need to stop being the financial doormat.

I wish you luck, my husband had to rein me in when we went from nothing to something and its damn hard, but now we both are in charge of finances and enjoy the benefits of our joint ventures together!

You are exactly right. She has said to me in the past its so nice being able to treat myself again after having it so tough over the last 4 years. But I had it tough too. Living in a foreign country on my own no friends here as such.
My daughter leaves in September so only another few weeks of supporting her. I will contribute to her uni expenses but she will have to learn to budget for herself.

elsien

Spreadsheets don't work for everyone. I can feel my brain starting to freeze just at the thought of all those columns of figures.
Is there an easier more accessible way of going through your spending together - use a simple statement of affairs. Or see if she'll keep a spending diary for a month.
If you want to get through to her you might need to be more upfront than you are being at the moment and talk to her properly. Tell her you love her and want to keep the family together and you're worried that the marriage won't stand the strain unless you're working together on this. Then put the ball back in her court and see what suggestions she can come back up with.

Pay_no_attention

Growurown wrote: »

So she accepts you are better with the figures and she doesn't want to know, yet she won't accept you can't afford to spend out all this money. Sounds like a typical I will bury my head in the sand and ignore the situation scenario.



But you are not in this together, not on the finances anyway. I appreciate you love your wife and don't want to argue but unless she gets involved with the finances then that just leaves you to sort them out.



This isn't fair on you. It sounds as though from what you said that she is actually 'stealing' from the family pot and taking advantage of your good nature and your desire to keep things happy in the family. Is there a mental health issue here? Is she a compulsive spender?

Compulsive spender. I think so.
I have told her she has a shopping addiction,but she laughs it off. Her free time is spent looking at online shops.

Pay_no_attention

elsien wrote: »

Spreadsheets don't work for everyone. I can feel my brain starting to freeze just at the thought of all those columns of figures.
Is there an easier more accessible way of going through your spending together - use a simple statement of affairs. Or see if she'll keep a spending diary for a month.
If you want to get through to her you might need to be more upfront than you are being at the moment and talk to her properly. Tell her you love her and want to keep the family together and you're worried that the marriage won't stand the strain unless you're working together on this. Then put the ball back in her court and see what suggestions she can come back up with.

I have brought her diaries in the past solely for this purpose. I have three years of spending diaries. I now store everything on my ipad which has been great way of doing things for me. I have instant access to all my facts and figures.
I am going to try one last time to get through to her about our debts and her spending.
It would be just great if we was both singing from the same hymn sheet instead I'm made to feel the bad one for trying to rein in the spending.

Goldiegirl

R_P_W wrote: »

Does your wife work? If not why not?

Exactly what I was thinking.

I think the wife needs to grow up and become an equal part of the partnership.

There seems to be something wrong in the dynamic of this relationship - one person seemingly controlling the money and the other one completely oblivious to the realities of the world and being given money and asking for the money.

In a partnership nobody has to ask for money or be given money. The partners talk together about expenditure and make agreements, not seek permission.

I'm think what the wife is doing is learned behaviour over many years, when the business was doing well.

She needs to behave like an adult, and if the financial side of the partnership is struggling, she needs to do her bit too - by getting a job.

I know it's probably a harsh message. But the OP needs to toughen up and the wife needs to grow up

Dimey

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

Yes I am probably afraid we will separate again. At the moment I agree to almost anything to keep the peace. It would more likely be me that leaves as sometimes I think I was managing better on my own.
This is not what I want though, a solution to her spending habits is whats required.

Of course you were managing better on your own. You had control then.

You are blinding yourself to the solution because you don't want to say no to your wife. You are doing neither of any good.

You don't have to argue when you discuss the sorry situation. Don't let your wife run away from the problem she is currently causing by saying "you understand better than me". You absolutely must sit her down and spell it out.

You may understand the spreadsheets but she's the only person who can do something about it - curb her profligate ways. At the moment you are encouraging her. She doesn't have to care.

---

Here's the solution: -
Don't show her the spreadsheets. Show her a simple 7 line sum every week: -

Wages in £

Expenses out £
£25k debt/ interest out £
Wife's overspend (incl money stolen) out £
Daughter's overspend out £
Husband's overspend out £

New debt accumulating £

Agree what you and she will do next week to a) stand still and b) reduce new debt and c) reduce old £25k debt.
Congratulate on successes.

---

If both of you continue to bury your heads in the sand, you'll wreck yourselves again. She's doesn't want to deal with it and is pretending you're capable of resolving it alone. You're pretending she's too fragile to be told to grow up and take her share of the responsibility.

Goldiegirl

Sorry, I didn't see your earlier message about her working 30 hours a week - but the rest of message is still the same !

Pay_no_attention

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Exactly what I was thinking.

I think the wife needs to grow up and become an equal part of the partnership.

There seems to be something wrong in the dynamic of this relationship - one person seemingly controlling the money and the other one completely oblivious to the realities of the world and being given money and asking for the money.

In a partnership nobody has to ask for money or be given money. The partners talk together about expenditure and make agreements, not seek permission.

I'm think what the wife is doing is learned behaviour over many years, when the business was doing well.

She needs to behave like an adult, and if the financial side of the partnership is struggling, she needs to do her bit too - by getting a job.

I know it's probably a harsh message. But the OP needs to toughen up and the wife needs to grow up

I am constantly told that I am a control freak regarding the money's and that she feels like she is asking her dad for pocket money when she wants lunch or coffees etc. she will not use any of the £50 per week as she sees this as hers to spend on herself All this plays on my mind and I question myself and thinking I must be.
I thought £50 per week would be plenty to have for personal money.