How do I curb wife's spending

Pay_no_attention

SPREADSHEETS.
I love spreadsheets. I have one for everything including our debts.
I have tried to get her interested before but she says it frightens her and she wants to just brush it to one side. Uses the excuse that i am better with all the figures.
She has not got any credit cards. They are all on debt repayment plans, from when she was on her own.
I had 4, have repaid two completely and two to go with about 14k of debt on them. I have not defaulted on any of them.
I know we are in this together, I have realised I love my wife very much and nothing is better than having all the family together again so I try my hardest to avoid arguments starting especially over money.
I tend to deal with it by not speaking so this in the end becomes an argument. Today she knows something is up as I'm being quiet. She was out for the day yesterday so I thought I would sort the bill money out. That's when I discovered 45 was missing on top of the 35 I gave her.
What can I say when she says can I have some money in case I want a coffee or bite to eat whilst out.
I said how much do you need she said 30-40 but I will bring you the change. I never receive any. I know if I ask for it that's the start of an argument.

tabbykatt2306

I would maybe suggest there is more going on in your wife's head than just spend spend spend? Going from having luxuries to being on benefits is rather a big mental drop, not being able to afford all those lunches, new clothes, special treats when you are used to them can knock your self esteem right out the window. Then suddenly its back and it sounds like she is running round like a child in a sweet shop again. Believe me, Ive been there and done that! So unfortunately there is only one cure, take the sweets away and ration what she can have?

On the other hand, you need to start saying NO, not just to your wife but your daughter too.. whether they throw a tantrum is really not a concern, its not an option.. they both have to grow up and you need to stop being the financial doormat.

I wish you luck, my husband had to rein me in when we went from nothing to something and its damn hard, but now we both are in charge of finances and enjoy the benefits of our joint ventures together!

elsien

£30 -£40 for a coffee or lunch out? That's not living in the real world (well, not my world anyway), and as long as you are dishing it out like that, of course she's going to keep asking.
It does look as if you're placating her to avoid arguments which might help in the short term but isn't going to do your marriage any good in the long run when you're resentful and stressed.
I don't know how you're going to break through your wife's barriers, but she must have managed a budget while you were separated, so it can't all be new to her.

R_P_W

Does your wife work? If not why not?

cte1111

You can't control another adult. You can change how you deal with things though. If your wife is going to steal from the bill money in order to go out, then I would suggest this is worthy of a discussion. Being passive aggressive (being quiet in order to get a reaction) doesn't sound like a sensible way forward.

With regards to your daughter, as parents we all have to learn how to say no and mean it. If you say no then go back on it, then it becomes meaningless. It's too late now for this time, but I would set down some guidelines for your daughter for the future, e.g. if she wants to run a car, then she has to pay for the tax, petrol and insurance herself. If not, then that's fine, she'll have to rely on public transport.

Pay_no_attention

Yes I am probably afraid we will separate again. At the moment I agree to almost anything to keep the peace. It would more likely be me that leaves as sometimes I think I was managing better on my own.
This is not what I want though, a solution to her spending habits is whats required.

tallyhoh

Never managed to get my partner to listen, all he can do is spend.

Perhaps speaking to your daughter may help? perhaps she can get through to your wife.

Tiglath

Honestly, I think you'd be better off (emotionally as well as financially) on your own. Easy for me to say, I know. I would find your situation intolerable.

mrcow

Does she work?

If she's earning the money and paying the bills okay, then she can spend what she likes on coffee and lunch.

If not, then tough. You have to stick to budget or it will all fall apart.

Pay_no_attention

R_P_W wrote: »

Does your wife work? If not why not?

Yes she does work approx 30 hours per week. We agreed on £50 each to spend per week. But she thinks on top of this she should have money in her purse from the house keeping for her coffees,magazines etc
She is spending far in excess of £50 per week. I keep a spreadsheet on what I spend. I'll save up for something I want like an ipad for instance. I can do without for weeks and save all my money. But then should I let her have £70 and me £30 for example? I don't think that would help. I don't need £50 per week but she does it seems.