Grown up children living at home

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

It sounds like you saw your role as a mum to end when your kids were 18 and gone to Uni not once they become adults. However, your kids will need you as a mum forever, it doesn't end once they are adults.

I am my children's mother and always will be but if they expected me to "mother" them once they became adults, they must have been very disappointed!

Once an adult, my relationship with my parents changed to a mutually supportive one and we had many happy times together but as equals. I wouldn't have looked to them to treat me like a child or a junior member of the relationship. Towards the end of her life, I had to become a mother to my Mum - relationships change with circumstances.

With my adult children, I treat them as adults and they get on with their lives. We do things together but plans are made to suit us all. I wouldn't turn to my child and say "I'm bored - change your plans and arrange something interesting for me to do" and I wouldn't expect them to say that to me.

Where support is needed, it's given but it's a two-way thing - they will turn up to help us out just as we will be there for them.

ognum

Mojisola wrote: »

I am my children's mother and always will be but if they expected me to "mother" them once they became adults, they must have been very disappointed!

Once an adult, my relationship with my parents changed to a mutually supportive one and we had many happy times together but as equals. I wouldn't have looked to them to treat me like a child or a junior member of the relationship. Towards the end of her life, I had to become a mother to my Mum - relationships change with circumstances.

With my adult children, I treat them as adults and they get on with their lives. We do things together but plans are made to suit us all. I wouldn't turn to my child and say "I'm bored - change your plans and arrange something interesting for me to do" and I wouldn't expect them to say that to me.

Where support is needed, it's given but it's a two-way thing - they will turn up to help us out just as we will be there for them.

I agree with this, Mums should not be expected to entertain their adult kids.

Mutually enjoying each others company is great.

ognum

zaksmum wrote: »

I just LOVE hanging out with my daughter! I can't imagine anyone not being happy to spend time with a daughter.

But this is very different from your daughter expecting you to entertain her!

FBaby

I am my children's mother and always will be but if they expected me to "mother" them once they became adults, they must have been very disappointed!

But when do they really become adults? University graduates are still so immature for the most part of them. It's all part of the learning process still for them to learn that mum and dad's home isn't the family home any longer nor a refuge. OP needs to make that clear to her daughter, but that doesn't mean she has to resent her for how she behaves.

As to say that children should need to be 'mothered' once they are adults, well that might be true, but however much I am seen as a tough mum, expecting my kids to be independent and self-reliant at a young age, I will always, always be there as their mum when they need emotional support. I don't believe that relationships between parents and children become equal the day they become adults. It's a very gradual transition that happens over years.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

But when do they really become adults? University graduates are still so immature for the most part of them.

Maybe that's because no-one has expected them to behave like adults, despite their age?

It's alarming to see how things have changed in just a few generations. My Mum started work at 14; Dad at 16. It was proper work with responsibilities and they were expected to behave like adults.

I don't think this generation's children are less able than my parents' peers - just that they are allowed to behave like children when they are still in their 20s.

securityguy

Mojisola wrote: »

Maybe that's because no-one has expected them to behave like adults, despite their age?

It's alarming to see how things have changed in just a few generations.

Indeed. None of my contemporaries, graduating in the mid 1980s, moved back to their parents' houses. Now today there may be financial reasons why it's a more attractive option (new graduates will find the housing market harder, while their parents are of the generation that benefited most) but that doesn't explain the emotional, rather than practical, issues.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

I don't believe that relationships between parents and children become equal the day they become adults. It's a very gradual transition that happens over years.

I'm nearly 30, and there are times when I still just want my mum. When my last relationship ended, when I was ill a few years ago.

My mum is 50 and she says the same thing about her mum!

I don't think parents and adult children ever do have the same relationship that two unrelated adults have, how could they? Its fundamentally very different.

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

I don't think parents and adult children ever do have the same relationship that two unrelated adults have, how could they? Its fundamentally very different.

I agree with you - it is a very different relationship to that of two unrelated people in the same way that it's a very different relationship to that of a child and a parent.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

Maybe that's because no-one has expected them to behave like adults, despite their age?

It's alarming to see how things have changed in just a few generations. My Mum started work at 14; Dad at 16. It was proper work with responsibilities and they were expected to behave like adults.

I don't think this generation's children are less able than my parents' peers - just that they are allowed to behave like children when they are still in their 20s.

I've mentioned this in DT, that some of the legislation in this country leans towards extending adolescence well into a person's twenties.

You aren't entitled to NMW for your labour until 22, you can't claim tax credits until 25, if you need housing benefit under the age of 35 you're expected to claim for one room in a houseshare, 35! When applying for a student loan you are expected to be reliant on your parents even if you've been independent for up to 3 years.

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

I've mentioned this in DT, that some of the legislation in this country leans towards extending adolescence well into a person's twenties.

You aren't entitled to NMW for your labour until 22, you can't claim tax credits until 25, if you need housing benefit under the age of 35 you're expected to claim for one room in a houseshare, 35!

Just because the government changes the age rules to limit spending, it doesn't mean that we have to infantilise our children.