Grown up children living at home

ciderwithrosie_2

Our elsest came home last year after 3 years at Uni, he now spends part of the week here and the rest at his girlfriend's place.

It did take a period of time to adjust, to begin with he had no money so stayed in a lot and was bored until he found a job.

We'd got used to there being 4 of us not 5 and he'd not thought that the younger two had grown up in his absence and were now fairly self sufficient e.g. they would often sort their own dinner out, rather than wait for me to do a family meal, iron their own clothes. There was a bit of 'I've been looking after myself for 3 years, now I'm home, Mum will do it.'

Angelicdevil

I feel sorry for your daughter. My parents treat me like this, as if I'm an inconvenience.

I haven't lived at home for ten years now but they never visit. I can count on my hand the number of times they've made the effort to see me since I moved out.

And now I need them and I just get told to get over it and stop stressing them out. I have "strangers" (friends) who care more about me.

What you're doing is terrible and you have no idea how badly you will be affecting your daughter.

neon_dannii

Your post is very harsh.

I'm sure your daughter is very grateful to be able to stay at home after university! I'm 24 and still live at home; no point me paying extortionate amounts for rent, and my mum is very happy for me to stay at home with her whilst I save towards a deposit as she hates the rent culture!

Dunroamin

Nobody like to be considered second best and most of us wouldn't stay friends with someone who only wanted to see us when there were no alternatives - I don't see why this should be any different with family.

If someone wants to return to the family home and be treated like an adult then they should be acting like one and not look to their parents to entertain them.

paulineb_2

Id also like to say that there may come a time when you want to spend more time with your daughter and if you do treat her harshly as you put it, she might not want to spend time with you.

Im sure I must have driven my mum round the bend at times, but we are close, we speak most days and see one another a couple of times a week, easy as we are in the same town.

Fast forward ten years or fifteen from now, you might find that life changes and you need the support of your daughter at times, Im sure my mum needed me when we lost my gran for example and Ive needed her support many a time.

I can understand you having your own space and liking it, but prior to that I assume your daughter lived with you until she went away to uni, shes not just some random gatecrasher who has appeared back in your life and I also presume you knew she was going to be coming back to live with you.

She may end up living away from home when she gets a job or goes on to other study and you'll have your place to yourself again.

jacques_chirac

silvercar wrote: »

I have my son living at home after him being away at uni for 4 years and I love it. Interacting with him as a grown up is so nice. Anytime he isn't occupied with friends or work, I am happy to spend time with him. I also enjoy watching him interact with his younger brother.

I don't live with them anymore (well, not all the time ), but I spend a good amount of time with my parents. It is great to know them as people in their own right rather than as 'mum and dad'. In fact, I prefer them to most of my friends

OP, make the most of the time with your daughter whilst you can. This is the perfect opportunity to get to know her on more equal terms.

System

I must admit its nice leaving 'Youngest' at home when we go out but the three of us went food shopping on Saturday and I loved having him there. Not only was he an extra pair of hands at the checkout it was nice that he was able to choose his own fruit/cereal/treats.... Plus the fact. He had the trolley whilst his Dad had his own trolley just for work.:D

When we got home I told him I enjoyed having him with us and he said he had enjoyed it too.

Mind you, I don't think it will be a regular thing. He's usually still in bed when we go out. It was only because he wanted to buy himself some clothes that he agreed to come.

ognum

I wonder how many of the posters who have made harsh comments have actually been through this? That is a question rather than a criticism!

I do understand the OP even though I think she could have used better words to convey her feelings!

Some people enjoy the space and freedom they get when their families have left the nest, others do not. If you have enjoyed three years of space with the occasional joyful return of your offspring on holidays with the knowledge the space will return then if is difficult to go back to another permanent resident in the house. It does not mean you don't love and care for your children, it simply means that you enjoy their company but not on a full time basis.

I have had returners and returners who have returned with girlfriend (now daughter in law) as well, in fact the first time I met DIL she came with her suitcase and moved in! I have always welcomed them but have also always wished they would have a home of there own where I could visit and then leave to my own space, which they have now.

Many people, me included who love their families, would do anything for them but also enjoy their own lives with their partner or alone.

OP, try not to take on the Mummy role, tell your daughter your plans for the day and days ahead, suggests she joins you on the ones you would like her too. Don't become her entertainments manager, get her to find more paid work but don't nag!

Hope it works out

zaksmum

I just LOVE hanging out with my daughter! I can't imagine anyone not being happy to spend time with a daughter.

FBaby

It sounds like you saw your role as a mum to end when your kids were 18 and gone to Uni not once they become adults. However, your kids will need you as a mum forever, it doesn't end once they are adults.

I too came back home after years working when my world collapse through no fault at home. I had to move hundreds of miles back to my mum who had in the meantime moved too so I knew no-one there but her and her husband. I was completely down mentally, just needed her after years of being self-reliant and yet she felt that providing shelter over my shoulder was all she had to do. She wasn't there for me then when I needed her most and to be fair, 20 years later, it still affects our relationship unconsciously. We are close, but I have never, and never will count on her again if I really needed support.

Saying that, I suspect your words might have been misinterpreted. I see what you mean about getting with your life once the kids are gone to Uni and therefore struggling to adjust when they are back. Many mothers cry they are lost when their kids go away and I find this very sad that they can't define themselves else than as a mum. I guess it is all about the right balance, not feeling like there is a big hole in your life when they go away, but not feeling they become a burden if they are back.

I think it is all about your mindset. If you change it so that you appreciate the benefits of having your daughter back, it won't feel so overwhelming. Make it clear that she is still expected to be independent, but that you are there for her to support her and do arrange to do things with her whilst you've got her back, just agree that these should be planned so you know what to expect.