Terminal illness....Save or Spend?

lushmush

The boys fathers are part of their lives at the moment but I am afraid they won't know the boys as well as I do or have the patience with them I do.
My eldest is autistic and youngest has behavioural problems.
That bit also concerns me. I don't want to upset their Dads in anyway but if they go separately they will probably never see each other again :-/

xx

Lagoon

lushmush wrote: »

Oh I forgot to say, please don't be sorry about the situation I am in. What will be will be. I am glad in a way it has happened to me because I feel I can cope with it a little better than some, if that makes sense.

I am a little stuck on some memory box ideas too. I want to start it straight away so there is definitely something there for them, I seem to have the most grand ideas and then think it is a bit much and I'm going over the top.

xx

I haven't been in your situation, or that of a grieving child, but from my point of view the memory box should include some printed photographs, maybe an item of your clothing, a recording of your voice telling them you love them.

A lock of your hair is a real part of you that won't go anywhere in their lifetime, so might be nice to add if you don't find it creepy.

Also, a coloured pebble of some kind. Let them see you hold it, and perhaps kiss it, before you put it in. Pebbles don't take up much space, but again if it's a gift from you it can be a comfort to your children. As they age and become teenagers, then adults, they can keep a pebble with them. It's something friends and colleagues won't question, it can fit in a pocket or wallet and, if they decide to, they can have it incorporated into jewellery for themselves or their future loved ones.

Just a few ideas. Like I say, I've not been in this situation so they might be stupid ones!

I have some of OH's hair locked away, though. He's hopefully not going anywhere for a long time, but to me it's comforting knowing that I will always have a part of him IF he goes before I do.

NervousHomeowner

I don't have any suggestions about money but for the memory box - a piece of clothing that smells like you might be nice for your sons. My dad died when I was 11 and for the first year after he died I slept with a jumper of his, that smelled like him. It was so comforting and I still have it (although it doesn't smell like him anymore.

Also, I dunno if your boys would be interested in it but maybe a photo album with photos of grandparents, you when you were little, photos of you as a teenager or before you had them, then photos of them as babies, children etc. Write on the backs of the photos or in the photo album little explanations about when the photo was taken, who is in it, where it's from etc. They might not appreciate it now (Being boys, they may not ever! Haha) but I personally really love looking through photos of my dad when he was a kid or when he first met my mum and the stories always make me smile.

Also, a recording of your voice might be nice too. My dad had a lot of songs that he had recorded (He was a musician) and we had a little answerphone message from the day before he died, which was very upsetting at the time but that I'm grateful for now.

Lagoon

Hm...one more thought.

I mentioned an item of clothing mostly for the smell.
NervousHomeowner said the same.

Perhaps if you regularly wear a specific perfume, you could go out and buy two more bottles of it. Add one to each memory box, so that they can spray it as a reminder of you. Around a room, on a pillow or teddy...

They might not use it at all, they might use it all up quickly, but it might last for years. If you don't currently wear the same perfume often you could even use now as a time to start, so that they'll come to associate that smell with you.

meritaten

live for today. make memories - your boys would prefer to have good memories than cash in the bank.
and don't just give up - through my work with a cancer charity I have known more than one person diagnosed as 'terminal' and 40 years later they are still around.

justme111

That was gut wrenching to read. Hopefully you will be here in ok condition for quite a few years more. When I had similar thought about money and my daughter I thought that I can see no way to.ensure it will be spent to their overall benefit once I am gone. Your emotional legacy and skills are more important I believe. Or any treatment that may cost money and give.you more time. I would have explored the option of leaving instructions with someone to make sure they have information about each.other once they are 21 for example , not sure it can be done , you could check with solicitors.

lika_86

Write your story, who you are, how you got here and the things you like and dislike. My dad died when I was seven and I wish I'd known him as more than just my 'daddy', I wish I'd known him as a person and I'd love to know whether we have anything in common etc.

toffee'n'tom

You are so brave you make my problems seem totally futile.

Totally and completely give them memories. I'm not in your situation but have been a single mum for 7 years. I've made sure we've had a holiday every year - whatever the cost, spontaneous outings to the beach, alton towers (bogof), bat and ball in the garden, bike rides. It doesn't matter how much or little it costs I completely believe that giving your time is the most important thing you can give. I've always held the firm belief that memories are far more important than saving a few quid for a rainy day.

Thinking about you and your familty x

Counting_Pennies_2

I too would say give the boys good memories. Remember though not every memory has to be expensive. Perhaps a trip to a pottery painting place to give each boy a painted hand print of yours with a loving message painted around it. You could all have a lovely trip out so they remember the day you made it for them.

One thing I would also say, is a really good legacy you can leave them is to prepare them for the time they have to say goodbye.

The stronger they are to accept it the less chance they have of issues in the future.

A friend of mine has used Winstons wish, she was 11 at the time of her bereavement. She has gone on to have a loving family and is a well adjusted adult. I would strongly recommend speaking with them and getting the preparation packs. There are also good memory box ideas and purchases there too.

Also setting up an agreed guardian that everyone is on board about it crucial.

hth take care

http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/

NervousHomeowner

Lagoon wrote: »

Hm...one more thought.

I mentioned an item of clothing mostly for the smell.
NervousHomeowner said the same.

Perhaps if you regularly wear a specific perfume, you could go out and buy two more bottles of it. Add one to each memory box, so that they can spray it as a reminder of you. Around a room, on a pillow or teddy...

They might not use it at all, they might use it all up quickly, but it might last for years. If you don't currently wear the same perfume often you could even use now as a time to start, so that they'll come to associate that smell with you.

I love this, what a fantastic idea I still remember the deodorant my dad used and everytime I smell it, it makes me remember him. Although it might not be your perfume that is necessarily your 'smell' - My nan smelled of a specific brand of blusher and everytime I smell it, it takes me right back to sitting in her bedroom as a child. Likewise, my mum's smell is a mixture of her fabric softener and the lavender from her shampoo.