Giving up my child

FBaby

Just read your last message. Take it one stage at a time. No surprising you are finding it hard if you are also having to cope with the exhaustion and pain that comes with your condition.

I'd suggested you wait until after the 10 days she is away as you might find that just that short break makes a huge difference to how you feel about the whole situation. It will give you time to think more about it and maybe get a better idea of what you can cope with and what you can't. Can you speak to your GP about it?

Cantdothisanymore

In September she is starting a new preschool 2.5 days a week (funded).

Im afraid to talk to HV because (should have mentioned) I have a older child (mid teens) who I had severe PND with and was under a fair bit of care to help my state of mind. When I fell pregnant with my youngest, my previous medical records flagged up altho luckily I escaped PND this time around.

My older one does help as much as she can but I feel the younger one is just causing everything to go wrong with my relationship with older one, my sanity etc. my older one is now a GCSE student and has her own life so she cant act like a second mum all the time.

marisco_2

Raising children when there are two of you to support one another and give each other a break is hard enough. To be doing it for the majority of the time on your own is enough to bring someone to their knees. You are very brave and really wise to seek help and advice when you are feeling this low. You don't want to get to the stage where your coping mechanisms collapse and you snap at your daughter.

You need to speak to your ex and make sure you get across to him exactly how you are feeling, and just how much you need some extra support and respite at this time. Do you have access to a health visitor who could offer you advice and guidance on handling your daughters behaviours? Children pick up on their parents anxieties and feelings, and her behaviours and regression in toilet training could be down to her feeling confusion and worry over you. When you are okay again she may well calm right down. Maybe your gp could also help you.

I would urge you not to make any huge, life changing decisions about your daughters future, until you have looked into every possible avenue to try and gain some support for yourself.

cte1111

Cantdothisanymore wrote: »

I am home with her all the time. I do take her to groups and she has been attending nursery twice a week for 5 hours a day (I have MS and she gets 2 year funding for this).

She is going to her fathers this Friday for 10 days as part of his access and will be going again for another week towards the end of August. These off couple of weeks will be nice (Friday cant come soon enough, believe me) but wont help long term.

I just feel like booking a late deal for this weekend and not coming back.

It's good that you are getting some support from your ex and also with nursery sessions.

I've also had the urge to run away like that, don't think it would ever help though really. What might help is seeing your GP and talking to them about whether you also need some treatment for depression. This could mean that you are able to see your way through a difficult stage.

Long term - your child is going to grow older, she will have different stages, many also challenging but she will also become a little less dependent, meaning you get a bit more time to yourself. It won't be long before she is at school (realise that seems forever away now), then life will be different again.

Ask for help from everyone you can - your ex, his family, your GP, health visitor, friends from toddler groups. Things will get better, jetting off into the sunset is unlikely to really gain much apart from loads of guilt.

Lou67

Cantdothisanymore wrote: »

I am home with her all the time. I do take her to groups and she has been attending nursery twice a week for 5 hours a day (I have MS and she gets 2 year funding for this).

She is going to her fathers this Friday for 10 days as part of his access and will be going again for another week towards the end of August. These off couple of weeks will be nice (Friday cant come soon enough, believe me) but wont help long term.

I just feel like booking a late deal for this weekend and not coming back.

Oh noooo! I am so sorry you're feeling crappy. It will be better when your daughter goes to nursery from September... I wish you could feel better now, but I am sure that you will start to feel better soon. I know it doesn't help you now. The 10 days off will be a good break. I bet she is picking up on your angst too... Not your fault though of course...

kingfisherblue

Cantdothisanymore wrote: »

Long time user but new user name for some impartial advice please.

I have a 2 (3 in November) year old daughter. Her father and I spilt up 1 year ago. Things are fairly amicable. He works long hours commuting to London and also travels abroad for periods of 2 weeks at a time. Because of this, he only sees our daughter every other weekend when she goes to stay with him. He is a good dad and our daughter loves him dearly.

I am struggling immensely looking after her on my own. To the point that this evening, after thinking it over for the last few weeks I am to the stage that I just cant deal with her anymore and I don't think I want her living with me.

Her behaviour is getting worse (terrible two's?), she has started spitting, is rude, can be aggressive, and is just generally naughty. The final straw this evening was her calling me upstairs a hour after she went to bed for me to be presented with her bedroom covered in her own feces. She is toilet trained but last few days for some reason she just keeps doing her business (both!) anywhere but the toilet.

I love her dearly but I need a break from her. I feel I need more help to give me a break before I just snap :-(

Anyone have any advice how I can broach this with her father? The first thing he will say is that he cant see her more because of work. I then think my only option will be to put her in care with access to her but i dont really know how this works.

I dont have any family that can help me and maybe the fact I am feeling so low is clouding my judgement, I dont know.

It is natural to feel overwhelmed at times. Your daughter could be picking up ont he fact that you are stressed, and her behaviour may have altered because of that. Being honest, are you spending less time doing things with her because of how you feel? If you are, maybe she has worked out that negative attention is better than little or no attention. Also, as you have pointed out, she may have hit the terrible twos. This is when toddlers start to push boundaries and try to become more independent.

A couple of things you might like to consider - could you be depressed? You might want to visit the doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling. It can be really difficult to acknowledge that you need help, but it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Secondly, does your daughter have a routine? If not, maybe you could introduce one now. A visual timetable stuck to the front of the fridge can be useful, as you can show your daughter what you are planning to do in the morning after breakfast, what you are having for lunch, what you will both be doing after lunch, etc. This is helpful in providing a routine and therefore providing security for her. You might want to include a couple of choices, but not too much (shall we read a story or do some colouring?)

Ask dad to keep to the routine when he has her. This will help with her feelings of being secure. Maybe her behaviour has become a problem because she doesn't understand what's happening - sometimes she is with mummy all day, but occasionally she is with daddy and doesn't see mummy at all.

Look for support. This could be a mother and toddler group, a Surestart Centre, or something similar. The libraries where I live offer story times every week for toddlers. Maybe this could become part of your routine - it's a chance to get out of the house and have fun, it's free, it's educational, and you get the chance to enjoy some time with your daughter and chat to other mums as well.

Regarding the soiling, don't get cross - your daughter has a reaction from you if you do, and as I said earlier, negative attention is sometimes sought. Just clean her up, saying very little. Kiss her goodnight and tell her you love her, then leave the room (assuming that this is only happening once she is in bed). Does she have a nightlight? You might want to leave her door open slightly or invest in a low light for her - at this age, children oftemn fear the dark, monsters, etc, as their imagination is beginning to develop.

Please think very carefully before involving Social Services with a view to putting your child into care. This isn't something to be considered lightly, and is likely to have long term consequences.

Many of us mums have felt alone (even those with partners!), feeling that we should be happy to have a healthy child but not understanding their behaviour, feeling that our child doesn't love us because of what they say or do. It's a tough time, but most mums (and dads!) get through it. It just takes some support and time.

Cantdothisanymore

She does have a routine. Her bedtime is 6pm and she dosent nap in the day. Se wakes around 7.30 in the morning so sleeps well. Bar the past week when she has been a nightmare to get to bed, gets herself over tired and then is up until 9/10pm.

Se has been attending nursery on a monday from 8am-1pm then doing a club inthe afternoon. Tuesday was nursery, same times, wednesday a soft play thing with local sure start, thursday a toddler group and friday a free day to do something all day.

I have lots of friends with little ones to and socialise with them (with and without the kids) at least a couple of times a week. Infact, writing this down makes me feel really irrational that I feel so low and alone.

Maybe I am depressed. My mood swings are crazy (i recognise this) and not healthy so maybe I do need to see a doctor.

Putting her into care is the last resort, i just feel I am at the last resort with not much fight left in me now.

paulineb_2

Cantdothisanymore wrote: »

In September she is starting a new preschool 2.5 days a week (funded).

Im afraid to talk to HV because (should have mentioned) I have a older child (mid teens) who I had severe PND with and was under a fair bit of care to help my state of mind. When I fell pregnant with my youngest, my previous medical records flagged up altho luckily I escaped PND this time around.

My older one does help as much as she can but I feel the younger one is just causing everything to go wrong with my relationship with older one, my sanity etc. my older one is now a GCSE student and has her own life so she cant act like a second mum all the time.

I feel very very sorry that you are in such an upset state of mind, but I also feel that your kid is 2 years of age?

How can she know shes causing you this much upset? She cant

And what do you think your elder daughters reaction would be if you said you were putting the wee one into care?

It might not help the relationship with your eldest, it might make it worse, they are siblings and they would I expect miss one another terribly.

Dimey

I'm not telling you what to do but you could consider something like this...

If your Ex rings you next week saying your daughter has spread poo everywhere - come get her! Don't.

Let him take the strain for a while. If necessary, tell him you're away even if you aren't. Maybe he'll find some way of calming her down that you can copy when she gets home.

On these TV programmes they teach you techniques don't they. Can you be referred to some kind of specialist to learn how to handle your daughter's behaviour?

I reckon it's worth a visit to your GP on your first free day to get some support/ advice for yourself otherwise you'll break down.

After the Docs, go for a massage & facial or reike (if that's how you spell it) session and a walk in the park, to start the week relaxed. Make sure you rest and recuperate for the week. Don't be tempted to do lots of outstanding jobs or you'll waste the opportunity.

Maybe go out with your elder daughter one evening to thank her for her understanding support and encourage her to focus on her school work so you have one less thing to worry about. Make a point of telling her how you appreciate and love her.

Certainly wait till the end of this break before you consider any future course of action. You'll see things in a different light then.

Cantdothisanymore

paulineb wrote: »

I feel very very sorry that you are in such an upset state of mind, but I also feel that your kid is 2 years of age?

How can she know shes causing you this much upset? She cant

And what do you think your elder daughters reaction would be if you said you were putting the wee one into care?

It might not help the relationship with your eldest, it might make it worse, they are siblings and they would I expect miss one another terribly.

I know. I feel terrible guilt and when I snapped earlier I told the older one I hated the younger one and didn't want her here. Im not proud of it and it was the lightbulb moment I needed to really think about what my options are to rectify the situation.

As suggested by some, ill give my GP a call and see if I can talk to her and see what she can suggest. I just know I cant go on like this for all our sakes.