Giving up my child

Cantdothisanymore

Long time user but new user name for some impartial advice please.

I have a 2 (3 in November) year old daughter. Her father and I spilt up 1 year ago. Things are fairly amicable. He works long hours commuting to London and also travels abroad for periods of 2 weeks at a time. Because of this, he only sees our daughter every other weekend when she goes to stay with him. He is a good dad and our daughter loves him dearly.

I am struggling immensely looking after her on my own. To the point that this evening, after thinking it over for the last few weeks I am to the stage that I just cant deal with her anymore and I don't think I want her living with me.

Her behaviour is getting worse (terrible two's?), she has started spitting, is rude, can be aggressive, and is just generally naughty. The final straw this evening was her calling me upstairs a hour after she went to bed for me to be presented with her bedroom covered in her own feces. She is toilet trained but last few days for some reason she just keeps doing her business (both!) anywhere but the toilet.

I love her dearly but I need a break from her. I feel I need more help to give me a break before I just snap :-(

Anyone have any advice how I can broach this with her father? The first thing he will say is that he cant see her more because of work. I then think my only option will be to put her in care with access to her but i dont really know how this works.

I dont have any family that can help me and maybe the fact I am feeling so low is clouding my judgement, I dont know.

paulineb_2

Think very very carefully before you put your child into care, thats all I will say. There are support groups that can help you, I would exhaust all options before you make a step to giving your child up.

Youve split from her dad, even at that age she might be upset. I wonder how you will feel when you let her go, you might bitterly regret it and that is why I am saying, get all the support you can and then make a decision.

Kids dont soil themselves like that if they are in a routine unless theres something wrong, Id take this as a sign that your daughter needs some support. Im not sure giving her up is the answer you are looking for.

SunshineButterfly

Why not see if her father would like a longer period with her now the summer holidays are here and see if he would like a week with her?
You can recharge your batteries and have a little break and then be nice and refreshed to tackle the behaviour in a much more positive way.

Kids test you all the time and her behaviour will be just that. She is seeing how far she can push you and finding out how much she can get away with.

If you are struggling to deal with behaviour, due to her age you can seek support from a local health visitor or you can pop down to one of the childrens centres they have dotted all over the place as they always have groups, sessions or people on hand to help give you advice.

mummyroysof3

I think you sound very overwhelmed which is understandable. Have you a local sure start centre who could give you some advice and support? Health visitor or gp might be worth contacting too. Do you work or stay home with your daughter? I'm sure it would be better to get some help and support rather than send her to live elsewhere as it seems she would need full time child are there anyway

ailuro2

oh my heart goes out to you, the twos can be a terrible time for kids AND their parents. I'd get in touch with your health visitor and ask for some advice regarding how to cope with her behaviour, and she would be able to offer suggestions on how to get past the terrible twos. Do you think you're feeling worse about it because you're feeling down at the moment - your health visitor would point you in the right direction for a bit of a hand with that too.

not sure what else to say, except you sound like a very caring Mum who needs a helping hand at the moment.

SunshineButterfly

Also if she is nearly 3 then I am assuming in September she will start nursery 3 hours a week? Hopefully this will help in terms of behaviour and it will mean you have more time to yourself.

cte1111

I felt like this at points when I was on my own with my 2 year old daughter. One of the ways I got through it was by putting my daughter in nursery for a couple of days a week. This gave me the break I desperately needed. I actually found a job not long afterwards, meaning my daughter was then at nursery full time, which wasn't exactly how I had planned our lifes to be, but worked well for us at that point in our lives.

Have you spoken to your health visitor? They can be helpful in finding some support and advice on the terrible twos (and other parenting problems). Some are more helpful than others, I found most of them would just turn up with a nice handful of leaflets, which wasn't exactly the kind of direct help that I was hoping for. However they are definitely worth a try.

katie1812

I understand that her father is a good parent, but it seems as though he needs to take responsibility for how she behaves with you.
I personally don't think putting her into care is the answer and like someone else said, think very carefully before you do.
Could you and her dad not discuss ways to rectify her behaviour, and come up with a reward/sanction system?

Lou67

I can't offer you any advice that is better than what you have already been given, but wish you all the best. I am sure it will all be OK...

I have to say though, that it REALLY p*sses me off how the childcare almost ALWAYS falls to the mother when a relationship breaks down. The little lass is only 2 hun, and it will get better. Her dad should be helping more though, even if you ARE split up. Why do men often not take as much responsibility as the women seem to HAVE to?! I wish you well xxx

Cantdothisanymore

I am home with her all the time. I do take her to groups and she has been attending nursery twice a week for 5 hours a day (I have MS and she gets 2 year funding for this).

She is going to her fathers this Friday for 10 days as part of his access and will be going again for another week towards the end of August. These off couple of weeks will be nice (Friday cant come soon enough, believe me) but wont help long term.

I just feel like booking a late deal for this weekend and not coming back.

FBaby

You need to speak to her father, but doing in a way that he really gets it that you are at breaking point and that if he doesn't help making alterations to his job, the implications to his daughter will be much more severe.

To be honest, I thought you should show him your post. You are very complementary of him and it is very clear from your message that you love your daughter, but you just desperately need a break. You're not having a tantrum, you're not lazy, you're not selfish, you just need a BREAK. Don't beat yourself up for it, it does happen even to the best parents in the world when their children are a bit more demanding than the average.

Please try everything you can to make her dad understand how much you need his help, how much HIS daughter needs his help, because putting your daughter in care is opening a can of worm that you may wish you had never touched.