Can narcissists change?

meritaten

Don't make the mistake of feeling sorry for a narcissist! if you do they will twist it and turn it to their advantage! The best defence is avoidance - but, if you cannot do that then treat them with what I call 'smiling poker face'. NEVER EVER let them see they got to you!
Runnyrabbit - he must be really worried by you - to expend energy on you and trying so hard to alienate you. the best thing to do is treat him just like everyone else, smilingly brush off his nasty comments and never give him an excuse to cut you off from your sis. or your nieces and nephews -they will need you one day!

zzzLazyDaisy

meritaten wrote: »

Don't make the mistake of feeling sorry for a narcissist! if you do they will twist it and turn it to their advantage! The best defence is avoidance - but, if you cannot do that then treat them with what I call 'smiling poker face'. NEVER EVER let them see they got to you!
Runnyrabbit - he must be really worried by you - to expend energy on you and trying so hard to alienate you. the best thing to do is treat him just like everyone else, smilingly brush off his nasty comments and never give him an excuse to cut you off from your sis. or your nieces and nephews -they will need you one day!

This is such a great response.

In truth, the only cast iron way to avoid exposing yourself to being used, manipulated, hurt and eventually destroyed, by a narcissist is to go 'no contact'. Literally. But where families are involved other dynamics come into play. In that case protect yourself in whatever way you need to, and use what meritaten calls 'the smiling poker face'. Never let them know they have got to you (if you show them that they know how to push your buttons they will use that knowledge against you).

meritaten

understanding the narcissist personality goes a long way towards 'protecting' yourself. people who have never dealt with narcissists don't understand that you need to wear 'armour' to deal with them. think having a set of bars between you and a psychopath - these people are dangerous! they can destroy your soul and reduce you to nervous wrecks!
They are dangerous - some of them are physically violent - they ALL play mind games and manipulate.

Runnybabbit

Thank you kind guys for your thoughts and advice. I've been discussing this with DH this evening and everything now fits into place.

I have no intention of losing my sister, nieces or nephews but I do fear that my one niece (the older one) is now showing signs.

One thing that I have noticed is that BIL has been successful in business, has a very remote house (no neighbours), but new cars every year. Presumed this is just how they want to live ?

One other thing that really worries me is that my sister never saw our mum for 2 years before she died. I know that my mum was deeply hurt that Sis never visited and she has consequently died never knowing the full truth. She was so hurt she changed her Will shortly before she died. How sad is that ?

Sorry for hi-jacking your thread xx

meritaten

Runnyrabbit - that's so sad - but don't give up on your sister.
you may be all she has left! you know your BIL so obviously you have picked up that he is 'Narcissistic' and not just your average bullying spouse.
tbh - Narcissists, especially the bullying type - tend to do well in business. they ride roughshod over people and intimidate and get their own way. I can think of some very well known 'entrepenuers' who I think are Narcissists! but people look up to them and admire them!
You however are dealing with family issues - The way I dealt with MIL was the smiling poker face and totally ignore insults etc! just try to keep contact with sis and her kids - let them know you are there for them - you don't have to spell out why!

Runnybabbit

meritaten wrote: »

Runnyrabbit - that's so sad - but don't give up on your sister.
you may be all she has left! you know your BIL so obviously you have picked up that he is 'Narcissistic' and not just your average bullying spouse.
tbh - Narcissists, especially the bullying type - tend to do well in business. they ride roughshod over people and intimidate and get their own way. I can think of some very well known 'entrepenuers' who I think are Narcissists! but people look up to them and admire them!
You however are dealing with family issues - The way I dealt with MIL was the smiling poker face and totally ignore insults etc! just try to keep contact with sis and her kids - let them know you are there for them - you don't have to spell out why!

Thank you for your kind words. Always assumed he was just a control freak but it was the alienating close friends and family that really made me think differently about his behaviour. Of course, it was always someone else's fault! He has racist and sexist views and opinions, and as I have said before, he says some really disgusting things which he thinks are funny. Without sounding too disgusting, he made reference to the fact that the dog sniffed around women and that 'he had trained him' ! Whats that all about?
My sister waits on him hand and foot, but even after a bad injury recently, he still expected her to do everything for him.

She needs a life outside and away from him, but where she goes, he goes. If I ever said anything to her about this, she'd never speak to me again, and accuse ME of manipulating HER. :-( xx

meritaten

Control Freak can also be Narcissist - so well done on picking up on that.
have you read the other threads? do so - they are very informative! your BIL sounds what I call the 'aggressive/bully narcissist'. there are many posts on this type on the other threads.
do a search on here for 'narcissist' - there have been a few threads in the last few years.

Runnybabbit

meritaten wrote: »

Control Freak can also be Narcissist - so well done on picking up on that.
have you read the other threads? do so - they are very informative! your BIL sounds what I call the 'aggressive/bully narcissist'. there are many posts on this type on the other threads.
do a search on here for 'narcissist' - there have been a few threads in the last few years.

I will certainly do that - I'll admit to hearing the word narcissist but never knew the full extent or the meaning of it ! so thank you

x