Feeling lonely

marisco_2

In the great scheme of things it is still not that long since you left a long term marriage. You will still be adjusting to this new chapter in your life. However much you may embrace your lifestyle on the whole, there are going to be times when elements of it bring you down. Being single has many advantages but occasionally everyone gets that 'me, myself and I' feeling and that can be overwhelming at times.

We all have this perfect picture in our minds of how life is supposed to be and that is why many end up getting disappointed. Try not to compare your life with other peoples. However well we think we know someone, there are aspects to a persons life that we are not privy to. 9/10 times if we knew what others are going through and coping with, rarely would we want to swap places with them and lead their life instead of our own.

I am not going to suggest you see your gp or that counselling might help. Instead I will tell you what I do when I feel as you are. Forget about doing any chores, leave responsibilities till tomorrow and take yourself off somewhere nice today. Whatever helps you to totally unwind, relax and gives you a new found energy to refocus and think straight. For me that would be driving out to somewhere nice and going for a long walk in the country or heading to the beach and just doing some people watching whilst having a coffee. Take care minty and I hope you feel much better soon

toffee'n'tom

I think I have a good idea how you're feeling minty. I separated from my husband 7 years ago now. I've just had my first relationship since which lasted 9 months and ended three weeks ago by him. I won't go into details but i've posted on here recently.

It came out of the blue and I'm very confused and sad about it although deep down I don't think he was the one for me but I was enjoying the company and scared of letting that go.

Although I'm in no different a position than I was 12 months ago I am feeling very, very lonely. I have 2 teenagers, son 18 and daughter 16 and we are exceptionally close but I would imagine they'll both have left home for uni in 2 years and I will be totally lost. That scares me. I have a holiday booked with them but I doubt they will want to come with me after this year. I currently don't have anyone else who I could holiday with.

All of my friends are married with younger children too. I take every opportunity I can to go out if someone asks but I don't like to ask them. I've joined the local sports centre with my daughter and we go to classes there about 4/5 times a week.

I too woke up this morning feeling very down and I wish that my marriage had worked and that we were still together as a family. I've also just found out that my ex husband has just started a new relationsip, which has affected me more than I thought, made worse by the fact that it's right on my doorstep with a person who's known to my daughter's best friends and all the parents socialise together.

I need to snap out of this too - need to move on from the relationship and try to put my exes situation out of my head too. Sorry I can't help but I can sympathise x

Wannabehappy_2

Hi, I've been reading this thread today and I think some of the lovely and very wise ladies who have responded are very inspiring. I just wanted to say,just because someone is married and LOOKS happy doesn't mean they are, or that they aren't lonely. I am married with primary age children,heading to age forty. Mostly things are ok but I've never got over discovering my husbands !!!!!! habit after the birth of our first child.
This week I've just made another of these discoveries and it upsets me every time because he knows it hurts me but he just carries on. It's not actually the habit that worries me its the sneaking round my back, hiding it, I think. In turn it's knocked my confidence in the bedroom so were in a vicious circle, as I feel I'm just fulfilling the physical side where other stuff is going on in his mind.... I know most people would think just get over it it's only....but I just don't feel happy in my heart living this life where I am suspicious of his movements and what else am I going to discover what will his habits lead to....
Some of you who are separated,would you stay or go? I don't think he is going to change is he,I don't want to waste my life feeling unhappy. Should I just try and accept if for the kids sake.to keep the family together.
Sorry for hijacking this thread I have no intention of doing so , there just seems to be some very wise ladies on here xxxx
To the OP, you seem to be doing wonderfully to me, just wanted to say there are many ways to feel lonely.

marisco_2

A good relationship requires really honest and open communication inside and outside of the bedroom. It would appear that these discoveries about your husband has knocked your confidence and trust in him. It is not unusual for people to look at !!!!!!, whether they are single or in a relationship. Why does it upset you so much? Is it straight forward !!!!!! or are there elements to how and what he is viewing that disturbs you? You really need to discuss this together and listen to each others perspectives. Come to an agreement that works for you both and eases any worries in your mind. Otherwise this is going to eat away at you and cause a rift between you both.

Wannabehappy_2

Hi marisco thankyou very much for your reply.
I'm not sure what it is about the !!!!!!, I think it's the lying. Its that cliche of he has lied about this again, what else is he keeping from me? And I wasn't aware of it before we got married, I am so naiive. I first found out when my youngest child was ten days old, I was fat and emotional....this led to postnatal depression,...I thought he had made an effort to stop using it so much, perhaps I am asking too much.... I dont know why I feel this way, just think, god damn I have been a good wife why can't you channel your energies towards me instead. This last discovery I made, he was watching it on his phone whilst putting our daughter to bed.very upsetting that.

toffee'n'tom

I've left two relationships. One a 2 year boyfriend in my early 20's and one my husband (18 years). Although completely different I ended up being very unhappy in both but just carried on, maybe because I was scared to make that decision.

However in both something happened to help me make that decision. I can't remember what is was now with the boyfriend but I remember just walking away and thiking what was I doing with him?

My husband and I had just grown apart. We should have worked at our marriage and I was prepared to but I found out he was having an affair and that was it. I asked him to leave and it was like a black cloud being lifted from our lives. I think we both regret very much what happened now.

But I believe you reach a point where you are so unhappy you just know the right decision to make. Although I do think that some partners may not be brave enough and just carry on. I don't mean any criticism by that.

I know exactly what you mean by being in a relationship and being lonely. I would rather be on my own than go through the last 6 months of my marriage.

Thinking about you x

Wannabehappy_2

Thankyou toffee'n'tom
I'm all over the place with emotion so not really in a good position to make big decisions. I know most people would not be bothered about a !!!!!! habit but I am, and he knows it, but continues regardless. Phone on silent, hard to get hold of at work, sometimes he seems his minds really elsewhere. The trust and respect has really broken down and not sure how to turn it around, or, actually, if I can even be bothered to try

marisco_2

It seems extreme for your husband to need to watch !!!!!! whilst caring for his own child! Time and a place and all that. Also if he is preferring to watch it, rather than spend quality time being close with you then I can understand you being upset. Is he aware of just how negatively this is effecting you?

Wannabehappy_2

Hi marisco.he does know how it has affected me over the years. We used to be great.but now I am anxious, suspicious,paranoid.and I haven't let myself go, I take care of my figure etc....it doesn't help that I repeatedly get cystitis etc that mean we sometimes go a few days without intimacy but its never long gaps despite tiredness young kids etc.
This last incidence due to the extremity of up it has made me think is it an addiction. But the way he has carried on despite my feelings has made me so sad, I just not sure I want to help him or have counselling etc.

mintymoneysaver

Marisco, thank you for your wise words again. Today hasn't been too bad once I got myself sorted and motivated. I went out with my mum and got all the stuff for my bedroom, and then came home and put it all on. It all overcame me again, and I had a bit of a blub on the couch, but then actually fell asleep for an hour so think I was just shattered, as haven't been sleeping well with the heat. I agree, I don't think I'm at the GP or counselling stage, I just need a bit of time to get myself sorted. Later on, I did the garden and went for a lovely walk by myself.

Toffee, that's exactly how I feel. I am missing the chat and conversations, and feeling special that my friend had brought back into my life. And at least mine wasn't a 'proper' relationship, so I do feel for you. That's what makes me think I'm not ready for anything else yet, if I'm like this over someone who just made me feel good again, rather than having an actual physical relationship with. I read your other thread, I definitely agree that he wasn't the right one for you, but you still need to grieve for the fact that you had hopes for the relationship.

Wannabehappy, I am sorry for what you are going through. I stayed in my relationship for probably five years, trying to make it work, but you know when enough's enough. I didn't give my marriage up without fighting to save it, until I realised there was nothing left to save. If he loves you, and you love him, then there is hope...