Feeling lonely

mintymoneysaver

I'm sat here this afternoon, watching the tennis on my own, and realising that I suddenly feel quite lonely ( very lonely, in fact) I separated from my husband of 23 years over 15 months ago now, amicably. Our marraige hadn't been happy for a long time, he didn't love me, and however hard I tried I couldn't make it work, so we chose to split. And I loved it, loved feeling able to relax in my own house, loved having the bed, the TV to myself, loved that I could go out without worrying about he was going to behave. I had so much more enthusiasm for everything, so much energy, took on a promotion at work, and really threw myself into it. Had no desire whatsoever to ever meet anyone else, loved my independence. My teenage girls live with me, and coped well too, no problems there.
Then about 4 months ago I began a bit of flirty text and skypebanter with an old friend, and I loved it. It made me feel special again, wanted, and happy. It has been nothing more than that, due to distance, complications due to the fact that we are friends, family etc, and it never will be. But it's been a great few months. We've accepted though, that there is no point to it, and we need to go back to being just friends.But it's brought home to me that actually I'm feeling quite lonely. I have my mum nearby, who is on her own and I spend time with her, but she won't be around forever, my sister and her family live 45 minutes away, but she has a busy life with a young family. I have great friends, in and out of work, but most of them are happily married with young families, so our nights out are when they can fit them in. My closest friends live in other parts of the country. I have had a great social life this year, my eldest says I'm never in, and it has been lovely, I've loved going out, being single and having a great time, but I am starting to see couples all around me, and starting to feel jealous of them again... I know it all ties in with the fact that I'd turned this 'friendship' into something more, and I know that eventually I'll be back to feeling like myself again, but I just am sat here wishing there was someone here to watch the tennis with me, someone to sit out in the garden and enjoy a glass of wine with, someone to offer to cook the tea now and again. My girls are wonderful, but they are 16 and nearly 20 and have their own social lives, and it's not the same. They're my children, not a friend.

I don't even know if I actually want a relationship, or whether I've just got myself too emotionally involved with something that can't work, and now can't see the positives in my life so much anymore.

I thought I'd got over my marriage really well, it was over long before he actually left, so it's almost two years really since we agreed it, and I would never ever want him back ( don't hate him, just feel nothing for him) but maybe I'm not quite as sorted as I thought.

My girls will be grown up soon, all my friends will still be involved with their families ( I was the first to have children by a good few years) My friends are wonderful but it doesn't help that the closest ones are couples who were friends with my ex and I ( we all met when we were teenagers) They are still friends with both of us, but me more as I keep in touch more, but I'm so jealous of them. I desperately wish my marriage had worked, so that we were still a family, with someone to talk about decorating or go on holidays with. ( Never happened with the ex, so I'm seeing it all through rose tinted glasses, I know that) I just don't feel like a family now, whereas they still are very happy families. we always want what we can't have, hey...

In a few week's time, i'll probably feel totally fine again, but need some cheering up right now

dragonette

Hi Mintymoneysaver,

Don't have any advice, I'm feeling awfully lonely today too. Split from my partner recently and am now living alone, n tbh it sucks sometimes. But the good outweighs the bad, and it just takes time x n then more time!

*hugs*

summerof0763

am another feeling lonely and all alone!
three weeks and its my 50th birthday, not had a relationship in a long time, not because I don't want, but no social life, no job due to illness, and am going through a horrendous time with the menopause.

think there are a lot of lonely people, but am at loss as to how to rectify it.
so will follow this thread closely.

one thing I did look into was meetup, but alas none in my town and I don't drive x

zzzLazyDaisy

Minty, this is normal. You spilt with your ex 15 months ago. At first all you wanted to do is enjoy the freedom and reclaim your space and your identity. That's normal. Now you are thinking about possibilities and what you want to do with the rest of your life, and that's normal too. It is a sign that you are moving on and coming back out into the world, and considering the possibilities.

Yes, sure you are lonely at the moment, but don't you see, that's because you are probably ready to start socialising, and meeting people. Have your heard of Meet-up? It is a good way to get out and meet people.

http://www.meetup.com/cities/gb/

McKneff

Hope this helps.....(((( hugs )))):) to all.

Iced_Bun

Hi there mintymoneysaver and everyone feeling lonely today.

I am doing the same tennis, large glass of wine and weather fit for the balearics

I have been on my own for quite some time now so understand how you feel but if you dont mind me putting a little perspective on it. I live in the middle of two sets of married neighbours and the sniping and rowing is just incredible. Just because there is someone there doesn't mean they will do anything for you or that you will have a perfect summers day with your loved ones

I think everyone feels lonely at times including married folks and I guess that is just life. I hope you can enjoy your wine and the tennis (looking good now ) and nobody will annoy you.

marisco_2

It may not feel like this to you right now but my gut reaction to your post is just how full of hope it is.

You had been in an unhappy marriage for a long time, which reading between the lines I think restricted you and held you back. Despite trying your best you realised it couldn't work out and you made the decision to split up.

This was clearly a good decision for you because from what you advise us of you adjusted to single life really well. Embracing being able to relax, come and go as you pleased, recognised how much more energy and enthusiasm you had for socialising and getting out and doing things for yourself. The increase in your self-esteem and confidence along side your own abilities helped you to secure a no doubt well deserved promotion. Well done you, to achieve that is no mean feat given the current employment situation over many professions :T

I think it is a really good idea when people take some time out to be by themselves after being in a relationship, just as you have. It allows for an opportunity to refocus and decide how you want your future to be. The involvement that you had with an old friend suggests that you have started to feel ready to consider dating again now. That in itself is a strong sign of how happy and secure you feel in yourself and where your life is at.

Your connection with this guy had the natural effect of reminding you how nice it is to share life with someone. For a number of reasons you have both chosen not to take things further but wish to remain friends. My advice is to keep on going just as you were. Continue to enjoy getting out there and socialising with as many people as you can. Apart from this bringing a really nice, fun dimension to your life it also brings the possibility of meeting someone new and seeing what may evolve. Enjoy the tennis, have a relaxing evening and I hope you will feel much happier about things soon

mintymoneysaver

Lazy Daisy, you're spot on! I think I just always thought I'd feel the same, enjoying being on my own. It's strange feeling like I'm moving on to something different. I had looked into Meet up, but I hadn't really done anything about it, because I do do social stuff anyway. I might look into it a bit more.

And even feeling lonely, I am enjoying the tennis!

Iced Bun, you're absolutely right too, far too many unhappy couples in the world, just that my friends who are couples are such annoying happy lovely couples!

mintymoneysaver

marisco, thankyou for your lovely post. I've seen you on Tay's thread, and always think you give such good advice. And your sig has been the thought that has helped me a lot!

tesuhoha

If you've got a daughter, you have a friend for life and you have two of them. Daughters never really go away, they come and go its true but they will be back with boyfriends, husbands and grandchildren to spend Sundays with you and eat your food.

Netwizard

I seem to reply on lots of these threads. I might be quite young compared to some on this thread (29). Ive never had a relationship, one night stand or whatever. It used to really bother me, but now, it really doesn't.

Im like you OP. All my friends are with partners. Either married or with kids etc. Looking at a lot of peoples relationships has made me realise just how little im missing. I think I said similar ln a thread the other day, but while my friends are either looking after the kids, or cant go to the pub because they are either under the thumb or skint, I can please myself.

Having no one else to answer too, no one to complain when you come home tipsy or too late, no one to complain when you cant be arsed cooking and order a takeaway, no one to complain when you deciede to have a lazy sunday on the sofa watching films rather than tidying up the house and doing the washing.

I really see it as a life of freedom. Sure I have my lonely times but I have a few good female friends who make time for me, so im not totally lacking in female company, and while my other friends are saving/planning a wedding or changing sh!tty nappies, I'm planning my next holiday away somewhere nice.

This might come accross a bit bitter towards relationships, but after years of worrying about being single, and seeing how some of my friends relationships are, I have realised im missing out on absolutely !!!!!! all :beer: