A rant but advice please!

thorsoak

lady1964 wrote: »

Harsh.

I have 2 other dd's who are both quite happy to pull their weight and they were all parented in the same way.

At 25, I was married, running a home and had eldest DD.

I don't want her living with us once she returns from Oz, if she even comes back. I am already thinking of downsizing to a smaller house but even if we remain where we are, it will be made very clear that if she does return from Oz, our home will only be a stop gap for her if she has nowhere else as I'm not cruel enough to see her homeless. It will be made very clear to her that she needs to find a job & somewhere to live upon her return.

I do need to get tougher, hence me informing her that she will be doing all the housework once she has finished at school in 3 weeks time and that she will be doing her share as of now. I feel like a mug and a soft touch and I know I need to come down hard on her. She needs to understand the real world and I will be telling her that in the real world, she'd be paying a proper rent and sharing chores, I won't increase her rent but she will be doing much more than she's been doing.

If she wasn't going to Oz soon, she would be getting told to shape up or ship out.

You need to tell her now that you expect her to move into her own home when she returns from Oz, so that she understands that she has to budget for rent deposit upon her return ...otherwise she will "come home" whilst she saves for said deposit ......:cool:

I had four children and worked full time - but by the time mine reached the age of 14, they were responsible for doing their own personal laundry, for certain household chores and also for planning and cooking a meal one night each week. They knew which night they would be cooking, so they had to let me know at the weekend what they planned for dinner on their day, so that I could ensure that I bought it. This worked quite well - I would cook over the weekend and wash the sheets (which had to be put in the laundry basket for Saturday morning) and towels.

It's not worth getting upset and peeved over - just state that this is the way things will be in the future - no discussion, just a change now that the household consists of 4 adults

paulineb_2

angelil wrote: »

^^ but I AM of your generation (I assume...or at least there's not much in it). We rent. It's €880 for 45m². And hardly in the middle of nowhere either - it's a beautiful town on a major commuting belt. You just have to shop around and get your priorities right. I moved out literally the day I got a full-time job. Difficult? Maybe. Impossible? No. As mentioned above, it's not as if I had oodles of spending money after expenses. It's about having the drive to get out of the parental home and wanting your own independence rather than having a possibly more luxurious and lazy existence under your parents' feet. Clearly some people don't have that drive and need to be given it.

I didnt have a luxurious existence under my parents feet. I have one parent, she was a single parent and she worked full time but life was no means luxurious.

Also, Ive spoken about this on other threads, I graduated from university and was unemployed for 3 years, I graduated during the last recession and it took me that long to find part time work and then went on and did a post grad which led me to finding full time work.

Its pretty much impossible to be able to buy a property when you are on the dole. And I also have to say, my mum was more than happy to have me and my brother living at home. He came back and lived at home after he finished his degree. He also moved out in his 20s.

I actually found a council housing flat in a very hard to let area because I wasnt priority for council housing because I wasnt deemed vulnerable. I didnt have kids and I would have waited ten plus years for a flat.

And I also moved out when I eventually found full time work.
But that doesnt mean Im lacking in drive. Ive been to university 3 times, I paid my way through my last post grad while working nights in a minimum wage job and my brother is also now a personal trainer who has two jobs, one working full time in a gym, one his own business.

My point was, that some people move out at 20 and meet someone and get married, move in together. My mum left the family home at 19, married and was divorced by her early 20s. She did things her way and I did things my way. And my mum never said to me, hurry up and get your backside out of my house, she was happy to have us there. Possibly because when you have brought two kids up on your own for the best part of 20 odd years, its quite nice to have people around.

We all have our own life experiences, it doesnt mean that people arent driven. And I do like having my own independence, but Im still glad looking back that I didnt leave home at 16, or 19.

lady1964

My DD spent 3 years at Uni living away from home so she can manage to clean/cook/do her washing etc, ironically, she used to moan about two others she shared with not doing their fair share!
Hah!

She is funding this trip via her savings; each of my DD's had savings accounts their grandparents had for them, which they received at 21, also we took out policies for them which matured earlier this year, giving them just over £3k each. She is also quite good at saving and budgeting.

She worked p/t time in a shop until last year, as well as her school job so she saved the shop money and lived off her salary from her school job.

She only earns around £10k a year so really not enough to fund living elsewhere. Even a house share would be around half of her salary without buying her food, petrol etc. She may have to face then if/when she returns from Oz.

We have made it too easy, I know that and she knows that. I will definitely be letting her know how things will be when/if she returns but I will not ruin the relationship we have now by making this such a massive issue that she moves out & then doesn't have enough money for her trip. Whilst she has no ties & responsibilities, she should do this trip and it may well be the making of her, I hope it is and as much as I will miss her, she needs to do this and we have encouraged her to. This is why I haven't put her rent up and won't do now, now with only 2 months until she leaves.

Thanks for all your thoughts & opinions & the advice is good too.

Lagoon

lady1964 wrote: »

My DD spent 3 years at Uni living away from home so she can manage to clean/cook/do her washing etc, ironically, she used to moan about two others she shared with not doing their fair share!
Hah!

She is funding this trip via her savings; each of my DD's had savings accounts their grandparents had for them, which they received at 21, also we took out policies for them which matured earlier this year, giving them just over £3k each. She is also quite good at saving and budgeting.

She worked p/t time in a shop until last year, as well as her school job so she saved the shop money and lived off her salary from her school job.

She only earns around £10k a year so really not enough to fund living elsewhere. Even a house share would be around half of her salary without buying her food, petrol etc. She may have to face then if/when she returns from Oz.

We have made it too easy, I know that and she knows that. I will definitely be letting her know how things will be when/if she returns but I will not ruin the relationship we have now by making this such a massive issue that she moves out & then doesn't have enough money for her trip. Whilst she has no ties & responsibilities, she should do this trip and it may well be the making of her, I hope it is and as much as I will miss her, she needs to do this and we have encouraged her to. This is why I haven't put her rent up and won't do now, now with only 2 months until she leaves.

Thanks for all your thoughts & opinions & the advice is good too.

So you've provided her with a very generous cash boost, and she's got money elsewhere, plus a big enough salary that she's able to save money of her own, and you're charging her a TINY amount of rent?

Like others, I think you need to make your intentions clear ASAP. She's getting away with paying absolutely pathetic rent and has no sense of being an equal in the household.

She's bringing home £800 a month. At least £300 of that could be rent if she were living elsewhere. Without bills, food costs and other financial commitments that could almost all go to you, technically. You wouldn't want to do that, I imagine, but a 25% contribution to your mortgage or 25% of the going rate of nearby rental properties is very reasonable.

SuzieSue

lady1964 wrote: »

Harsh.

I have 2 other dd's who are both quite happy to pull their weight and they were all parented in the same way.

I'm surprised that her sister doesn't put pressure on her to do more around the house. That is what made me do it even though I hated every minute of it.

SuzieSue

Lagoon wrote: »

So you've provided her with a very generous cash boost, and she's got money elsewhere, plus a big enough salary that she's able to save money of her own, and you're charging her a TINY amount of rent?

Like others, I think you need to make your intentions clear ASAP. She's getting away with paying absolutely pathetic rent and has no sense of being an equal in the household.

Lots of parents don't charge their children any rent at all (mine didn't and I was working full time).

£3,000 is hardly generous - people spoil their children by buying them brand new cars etc which I don't agree with.

The OP knows that she has been to soft on her daughter, but she is not the only parent to have done that and she is now having to deal with the consequences.

angelil

paulineb wrote: »

I didnt have a luxurious existence under my parents feet. I have one parent, she was a single parent and she worked full time but life was no means luxurious.

Also, Ive spoken about this on other threads, I graduated from university and was unemployed for 3 years, I graduated during the last recession and it took me that long to find part time work and then went on and did a post grad which led me to finding full time work.

Its pretty much impossible to be able to buy a property when you are on the dole. And I also have to say, my mum was more than happy to have me and my brother living at home. He came back and lived at home after he finished his degree. He also moved out in his 20s.

I actually found a council housing flat in a very hard to let area because I wasnt priority for council housing because I wasnt deemed vulnerable. I didnt have kids and I would have waited ten plus years for a flat.

And I also moved out when I eventually found full time work.
But that doesnt mean Im lacking in drive. Ive been to university 3 times, I paid my way through my last post grad while working nights in a minimum wage job and my brother is also now a personal trainer who has two jobs, one working full time in a gym, one his own business.

My point was, that some people move out at 20 and meet someone and get married, move in together. My mum left the family home at 19, married and was divorced by her early 20s. She did things her way and I did things my way. And my mum never said to me, hurry up and get your backside out of my house, she was happy to have us there. Possibly because when you have brought two kids up on your own for the best part of 20 odd years, its quite nice to have people around.

We all have our own life experiences, it doesnt mean that people arent driven. And I do like having my own independence, but Im still glad looking back that I didnt leave home at 16, or 19.

I also graduated during the last recession (if by that you mean when everything crashed in 2008). Sitting on my butt for 6 months unemployed was quite enough for me - hence me taking a full-time job that paid so badly (I got out of it after 2 months as I was luckily offered something better, but would have had to pursue it if I'd not found anything else). This job was overseas. I daresay if I'd stayed in the UK I would have had to look for even longer for work. If more people were willing/able to look overseas then maybe they wouldn't have to stay unemployed for as long as you did (hence why I agree with trying to teach languages in schools earlier - it might give more people this option!).

I didn't mention buying - you did. I did say that I rent. Unfortunately the entire surrounding area where I work makes house (or even flat) purchase virtually impossible. This is something that it has been very difficult for me to come to terms with, and we ultimately still hope to move (probably to a third country) where property purchase will be more of a realistic proposition.

And we're not talking about people moving out at 16, or 19 - we're talking about people like the OP's daughter who are still living at home at 25. I'm not saying that people in this situation are bad people AT ALL - one of my very best friends also still lives at home with her parents and she's 27 :eek: However, I do question their priorities, since as I've mentioned, I really do believe that if you want to move out of home badly enough and live as an independent adult, it is possible even if it's difficult.

ilovelondontown

lady1964 wrote: »

My DD spent 3 years at Uni living away from home so she can manage to clean/cook/do her washing etc, ironically, she used to moan about two others she shared with not doing their fair share!
Hah!

I'm 29 and left uni at the age of 24, after which I moved back home for about a year before moving out again into a houseshare. When I moved back home I definately less of my share than I could have done, I was paying rent but most weekend I was out of the house staying with friends etc, so I felt if I was only there 25% of the time (evenings after work Mon-Thurs) I didn't see why I should be doing more.... (This being my 24 yo self perspective)

If your daughter's perspective is anything like mine was, she's gone from being the adult in the house to the child, which is a positive and negative for her.

When you live on your own, you make the rules- "if I don't want to do the washing I'll leave it till later "(something I still do!)
These same rules give you the incentive to do the work when it needs to be done. The fact that she's gone from having full rein of her independence to going back to being under parental rules, she's still thinking, why can't I just do it when I'm ready? - Given that the chances are the work will get done by you or your husband before she's given it another thought, this pattern of conversation is likely to just go around in circles with no resolve.

Given that she's soon to be off again, I doubt you're going to make any headway in the mean time, I'd have an honest chat with her about what you would like from her until she goes away as you don't want it to be a war of words until she sets off to the big Oz

LannieDuck

She's not doing the housework because she doesn't have to. You ask her to do it, she says 'later', and you/OH do it for her.

I suggest you either:

i) Give her designated chores. An extra night's cooking, doing the laundry, or putting the rubbish out. It doesn't really matter what it is, except that it's her responsibility and no-one else will do it if she doesn't.

ii) Increase her rent to cover the cost of a cleaner.

iii) Give her a choice of options i) and ii).

lady1964

A few replies have hit the nail on the head, she has gone from being an adult functioning in the adult world back to being a 'child' again & we've let her. She spends a lot of her time out of the house with friends, as she should be doing, however all I want is for her to recognise that she has to do her bit first.

I will be sitting down with her, or maybe go for a drink actually, & spell out our expectations until she leaves in a couple of months time. She needs to realise that she is very lucky and in fairness, I think she does appreciate how lucky she is.

Her sister, who is my other DD still at home, does get frustrated and they have rowed about this subject but I don't think it's fair for my youngest to get involved as it's not like we're asking her to take up the slack of the eldest, I'm the one taking it up, so it's me who should deal with it.

Like I've already said, I'm not going to go into meltdown about it at this stage but I will definitely have a talk with her about this and what should happen if/when she returns from Oz next year.