A rant but advice please!

lady1964

I'll try to keep this short but I need both a rant & some advice please.

Living in our home are me, DH & 2 DD's aged 25 (eldest) & 18 (youngest). Me & DH work full time - DH works long hours, out around 5am & usually not home much before 7 or 8pm. DD who is 18 has just finished college & has a p/t job, mostly weekends but some additional hours in the week. Eldest DD works as a TA in a school but is usually home around 4pm.

My issue is my 25 year old; she does very little around the house. She will cook dinner once a week, sometimes twice under duress. She is usually out most weekends; for instance she was out all day yesterday and has gone out again today. I was getting stuff together to start the housework when she announced she would be home 'later'. When I mentioned her share of housework, she said 'I'll do it later or tomorrow'. She has already said she won't be here tomorrow & later we're all going to DD who lives away from home. Clearly, I can't make her stay in until she's done her share.

I've ended up doing all the housework again and this is the case most weekends. 18 y/old will do bits & pieces during the week now, like the ironing or cook dinner 2/3 times a week, she'll also do bits of housework now she's home more.

My view is that if 4 people live in a house, then housework should be shared out 4 ways, not 3 ways with one doing almost nothing. We give our eldest a lift somewhere when she asks (she has her own car), DH waited up until 1.30am last night as she had forgotten her keys and we didn't want to put them in the pot outside. DH regularly does the ironing, including hers, yet she rarely does any ironing - I no longer iron her clothes for this reason, petty maybe but I get a bit of satisfaction from that. She rarely cleans her room, it's like Steptoe's Yard and I won't go in there. It's her room so she can live in her mess.

She is going to Oz for a year in September and I will miss her terribly but not the p****d off feeling of her doing so little.

We do take rent off her, she doesn't earn a good salary so we take only £120 per month. I have said to her that if she lived in a shared house, she'd have to pay more rent & do her fair share of chores but it goes right over her head.

What to do? She is driving me nuts! We do get on but whenever I raised the issue of housework & her lack of contribution, she gets all upset and goes up to her room.

And breathe..............................:D

SuzieSue

Your DH should stop doing her ironing.

To be honest, I actually sympathise with your eldest daughter as I also hated doing housework at home and I probably didn't do my fair share either, but I probably did more than your eldest.

One of the great things about having my own place is that I only have to do housework when I want to (which is not very often, but I also tend not to make a mess for that reason).

I don't know what to suggest, except to set up a strict rota and make sure everyone follows it, but if she is going away in September anyway, then it is probably not worth rocking the boat until she gets back.

pigpen

Tell her you are having this conversation like grown ups and if she flounces off to her room like a spoiled bratty teenager the next time she goes out she will be taking her stuff with her! She flounces off because you let her get away with it if she does that and nothing changes.

Don't rant at her.. ask what chores she particularly hates or what she doesn't mind doing and work out a rota from there.. Or set a designated time when you all do it together..

Draw up a list of all the things that must be done and she puts her name along the ones she will do ditto other DD.. they can take it in turns to write names on.. like picking teams .. and write a specified time it is to be done by.. and whoever goes over gets to do the most hideous job on the list.. that has to be emptying the bins in here or cleaning out the bunny.. vile jobs.

Mine don't have set chores they do what they are asked.. I pay the bills and do their washing and cook their food and I am absolutely not the maid.. granted mine are younger than 25 but they do a share.. not a fair share admittedly.

I know someone who has her 16 y/o daughter doing ALL the housework.. and if she doesn't do it well enough she does it again until it is good enough! Actually at 16 I was doing all the housework too.. and looking after my younger siblings most of the time.

Start charging an extra £10 a week for all the jobs she misses and you have to do.. if she had to pay a cleaner you should charge the going rate.. £7-£12 an hour here!!!

SuzieSue

pigpen wrote: »

Start charging an extra £10 a week for all the jobs she misses and you have to do.. if she had to pay a cleaner you should charge the going rate.. £7-£12 an hour here!!!

Good idea, although, I would leave it until she gets back from Oz.

MrsDrink

I'd be tempted to cost up how much it would cost for a cleaner to come in and do her chores and then add this to her rent. (I wouldn't hire a cleaner, I'd carry on doing them myself - but at least she'd learn she either pulls her finger out and does her share, or her rent goes up to reflect her lack of effort).

MrsDrink

pigpen wrote: »

Start charging an extra £10 a week for all the jobs she misses and you have to do.. if she had to pay a cleaner you should charge the going rate.. £7-£12 an hour here!!!

Snap - I should learn to type faster/not get distracted.

Spendless

What does your 18yo do, housework wise? I am the eldest of 2 girls by 7 years and though I echo what SuzieSue said, I did some housework stuff but clearly not as much as when I moved out! It did used to bug me that little sister appeared to do next to nothing, but I as the eldest was the one 'got on at'

Leave her share of the stuff to do,clearly if her job is to make a meal or clean the bog you can't just go without doing it if she doesn't but you can leave her items for her to wash, iron, put away etc.

If she's off in September for a year you've only got 2-3 months left and after that she may not be back or if she is she may have had a year of tidying up after herselfand be better.

lady1964

Thanks for the comments, I like the one about the cleaner although I wouldn't employ one but I like the charging idea.

I've asked DH many times to stop doing her ironing, he then doesn't do it for a week or two but then starts doing it again, it drives me nuts & sends out mixed messages to DD.

I feel better getting that off my chest and although I think I will have another chat with her, the fact that she will finish work in a few weeks time & then at home until she leaves for Oz about 7 weeks later, I won't make a massive deal out of it. I will just inform her that as she will be home, I will expect her to do all the housework during the day. We can all have 6/7 weeks off doing our share to make up for her being a lazy ar*e

@ Spendless My 18 y/old cooks dinner twice a week, she will do the ironing, generally once a week and will dust/hoover. She has only just finished f/time college and works most weekends so she has been at home the least amount of time. Now she is finished college, she is at home more but is picking up additional hours during the week at her p/time job and is looking for a full time job.

marisco_2

lady1964 wrote: »

Clearly, I can't make her stay in until she's done her share.

Why not, it is your house and your rules surely? If as an adult of 25 years old she wants to continue benefiting from the easy life of living with her mum and dad, then she needs to be made aware in no uncertain terms of what you expect from her. Currently yourself and your husband are enabling her to treat your home like a hotel and you like skivvies. This will do her no good long term.

At your daughters age I was married, running my own home and all that goes with it along side holding down a full time job. What age will your daughter be before she is capable of doing any of that for herself? Do you really still want her living with you when she is 30, 35, 40 behaving in the same way? That is potentially what you are facing unless you make her grow up fast and take some responsibility.

Takeaway_Addict

£120 a month and she does the chores YOU want her to.
£220 a month and she does no chores.

No inbetween.

That's what I would do personally.

pennywisepoundstupid

Sorry but I think you need to put your foot down as she is treating you like a mug, If that was my daughter she would either pull her weight or be finding somewhere else to live, after all at 25 she is an adult and should be able to stand on her own 2 feet.

Thinking back at 25 I was married had 2 little ones, did everything in the house ( OH worked 5am to 7pm) and i worked 3 evenings.

A bit of tough love is needed.