A rant but advice please!

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Surely you brought her up so it's your parenting that has taught her to behave like this?

angelil

I share the feelings of others who were independent at 25. My first reaction was "what the hell is your daughter doing still living at home?" I moved out at 22 (only in 2008...hardly the dark ages) and while I did move in with my boyfriend (now husband), meaning that my living costs would have been partly subsidised, I was only earning about €800 a month at that time and most of it did go on living costs. Think I only had about €30 a month left for fun stuff after expenses! You guys are making this way too easy for her.

lady1964

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Surely you brought her up so it's your parenting that has taught her to behave like this?

Harsh.

I have 2 other dd's who are both quite happy to pull their weight and they were all parented in the same way.

At 25, I was married, running a home and had eldest DD.

I don't want her living with us once she returns from Oz, if she even comes back. I am already thinking of downsizing to a smaller house but even if we remain where we are, it will be made very clear that if she does return from Oz, our home will only be a stop gap for her if she has nowhere else as I'm not cruel enough to see her homeless. It will be made very clear to her that she needs to find a job & somewhere to live upon her return.

I do need to get tougher, hence me informing her that she will be doing all the housework once she has finished at school in 3 weeks time and that she will be doing her share as of now. I feel like a mug and a soft touch and I know I need to come down hard on her. She needs to understand the real world and I will be telling her that in the real world, she'd be paying a proper rent and sharing chores, I won't increase her rent but she will be doing much more than she's been doing.

If she wasn't going to Oz soon, she would be getting told to shape up or ship out.

Jinx

Have you actually started saying any of the above re returning from Oz to her? If not, then I would start dropping these expectations into the conversation now and it wont be a shock if/when she returns.

marisco_2

lady1964 wrote: »

I don't want her living with us once she returns from Oz, if she even comes back. I am already thinking of downsizing to a smaller house but even if we remain where we are, it will be made very clear that if she does return from Oz, our home will only be a stop gap for her if she has nowhere else as I'm not cruel enough to see her homeless. It will be made very clear to her that she needs to find a job & somewhere to live upon her return.

Good on you. The above plan is a really positive way forward. Going on her travels may be the making of your daughter. She will very quickly have to learn to stand on her own two feet and pull on resources within herself to cope with and handle all kinds of situations. You may well be pleasantly surprised when she returns home a confident and far more self reliant young woman.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

lady1964 wrote: »

Harsh.

I have 2 other dd's who are both quite happy to pull their weight and they were all parented in the same way.

It's not harsh - it's the bleedin' obvious.

What parents don't seem to get is that children should be parented the way they need to be parented to get the best out of that individual, so what works for one might not work for the other.

paulineb_2

Some people cant afford to move out at 25. I didnt leave home until I was 26. Just because a lot of people move out of home and get married young or go and live with a partner doesnt mean its going to be the same for this generation or even was for my generation.

Its difficult to get on the property ladder. Its also difficult to get social housing and private lets can be extortionate.

Each family will have their own rules. When I was at home I had my own space and I was expected to keep that tidy but we didnt have a cleaning rota.

I think if your general relationship with her is good, theres no point in this becoming a big issue. You could down tools and ask her to make her own food and wash her own dishes and be responsible for her own washing and ironing.

I have to say that I appreciate everything my mum does for me but I appreciate everything my mum did for me growing up more now than I did then and I dont think I was ever ungrateful, but we've always had a good relationship and I do what I can for her, I take her for meals, my brother cooks for her regularly.

If you want your daughter to move on when she comes back her travels then you'll need to be honest with her and tell her, but Id be encouraging her to find somewhere new, look at places with her and do it as a family, because if you do have a good relationship with her the last thing you want is to make this such a big issue that your relationship ends up destroyed.

angelil

^^ but I AM of your generation (I assume...or at least there's not much in it). We rent. It's €880 for 45m². And hardly in the middle of nowhere either - it's a beautiful town on a major commuting belt. You just have to shop around and get your priorities right. I moved out literally the day I got a full-time job. Difficult? Maybe. Impossible? No. As mentioned above, it's not as if I had oodles of spending money after expenses. It's about having the drive to get out of the parental home and wanting your own independence rather than having a possibly more luxurious and lazy existence under your parents' feet. Clearly some people don't have that drive and need to be given it.

neneromanova

How is she funding this year out trip to Australia if she doesnt have a F/T job?

Lagoon

angelil wrote: »

^^ but I AM of your generation (I assume...or at least there's not much in it). We rent. It's €880 for 45m². And hardly in the middle of nowhere either - it's a beautiful town on a major commuting belt. You just have to shop around and get your priorities right. I moved out literally the day I got a full-time job. Difficult? Maybe. Impossible? No. As mentioned above, it's not as if I had oodles of spending money after expenses. It's about having the drive to get out of the parental home and wanting your own independence rather than having a possibly more luxurious and lazy existence under your parents' feet. Clearly some people don't have that drive and need to be given it.

I agree with this. Surely you'd feel ashamed living with your parents at 25? It's restrictive, too - you can't grow fully as a person whilst still living in that original family unit.

Renting privately is possible and affordable, if you find the right place. I don't think anyone with a full-time job is unable to find somewhere to rent within their budget. It might stretch their budget to the point where they have no excess money, but to me that's a billion times better than living with mummy and/or daddy.