My Dad

gwen80

Hi

I could do with some advice about my Dad. He's basically a narcissist (sp?). He's been very successful in his career, but he has very difficult relationships with his family and he hasn't managed to sustain romantic relationships either. He's fallen out with anyone and everyone. He also lives abroad. He lets me use the airmiles he's accumulated through his work.

Last time I visited him (using his airmiles) he said 'Why didn't you book business class?' (he has tonnes of miles) and I said 'Because I was trying to save your miles and anyway, I don't need to fly business class'. Now I've just booked a trip to see him again and I've booked business class. Not because I'm feeling indulgent, but because it's a long haul flight and I'm on a very tight schedule this time. I have limited leave from work and I wanted to make the most of my time there and not have any additional time off work when I return.

So I told him I'd booked these flights and he's sent me some quite snippy emails asking how many miles I've used and how long I'm spending with him. Now I'm annoyed because he never uses his annual leave to visit me and from his emails, he seems to have an issue that I'm not spending enough time with him. He's also chosen to fly off on a trip with his friend and her family half way through my trip, so if I wanted to spend more time with him, I couldn't anyway.

I booked business class as I have limited leave from work and wanted to arrive reasonably fresh to spend time with him. His comment from last time led me to believe it wouldn't be a problem.

I've emailed him, called him (he's not answering) and asked him what exactly the problem is with the flights so that we can try and sort something out. I've asked him to call me to discuss it - silence. What do you do with an almost 70 year old who acts like they're 7??

As I said, he's so narcissistic it's untrue so this is exactly his style. He never puts himself out for anybody else, he's the most important person in his life and always will be, he's NEVER wrong and the constant moving the goalposts (be it about business class flights or otherwise) is just another method of abuse.

Gwenx

Brighton_belle

What do you get out of visiting him?

gwen80

I visit my brother at the same time otherwise, trust me, I would not visit him

Own_My_Own

Personally, I just wouldn't go.

Own_My_Own

Sorry crossed post with your 2nd one.

gwen80

It's a big birthday for my brother which is prompting the trip. Brother and Dad fell out big time nearly two years ago now. My brother has emailed him to try and find a way to sort it out, but Dad has ignored it as my brother 'didn't apologise'. Did I mention he's always right??

lostinrates

gwen80 wrote: »

I visit my brother at the same time otherwise, trust me, I would not visit him

Tbh if you are using him I don't really feel you can complain he doesn't want to spend time with you. It risks ringing a little hollow.

Brighton_belle

Well it sounds like a case of 'you can't be able to change his behaviour you'll only be able to choose how you respond'. It must be very hard having a parent like this.
I expect your brother appreciates your caring gesture.

I don't think there are any answers because he won't change. You just have to keep working on not putting yourself in a position of feeling vulnerable out of some hope that he will behave differently.

gwen80

lostinrates wrote: »

Tbh if you are using him I don't really feel you can complain he doesn't want to spend time with you. It risks ringing a little hollow.

I probably am using him to some degree, yes. He's not the father anybody would wish for and never has been. All I've ever wanted was a 'Dad' and I've not got it. I'm sorry if you disapprove of my behaviour, but you really have no idea. I've spent the last 14 years trying to build up a relationship with him, sending him birthday and Xmas cards, spending time with him, visiting him, emailing him, calling him...but getting very little effort in return.

I was actually considering saying to him 'What have you got planned for your 70th next year? Why don't you come over here and we'll do something?' In a moment of madness, I even thought about getting a cake. Then I remembered I didn't get a card, call or email for my 30th.

G

marisco_2

gwen80 wrote: »

What do you do with an almost 70 year old who acts like they're 7??

I think you are being way too generous with the above. Even 7 year olds have more social awareness and respect for others than your father chooses to have. I don't know if this is the right answer or not, maybe I am far less tolerant than you, however a narcissistic relative would have been cut out of my life for good many years before they reached 70.

As you are painfully aware no matter what you do, it will always be used against you and you will be in the wrong. Your father happily sends out mixed messages to you, so as you never know where you stand with him, then when you are left in a state of confusion and anxiety he blanks you. Don't you tire of putting up with such horrendous mind games?

How you decide to proceed now is up to you. Personally I think you would be very wise to cancel the trip and make alternative arrangements to see your brother elsewhere and at another time. Sending an almightily strong message to your dad that you are not his whipping boy any more.

zagfles

gwen80 wrote: »

It's a big birthday for my brother which is prompting the trip. Brother and Dad fell out big time nearly two years ago now. My brother has emailed him to try and find a way to sort it out, but Dad has ignored it as my brother 'didn't apologise'. Did I mention he's always right??

Maybe pay for your own flights to visit your brother? Just a thought...