My Dad

Dunroamin

gwen80 wrote: »

Right, I was going to resist, but you really have no idea. My Dad lived abroad for almost my entire childhood - visiting me once a year. When he came to visit, he completely ignored me, focusing entirely on my brother. I used to cry because I hated him coming to visit and he ignored me. I actually remember conversations between him and my Aunt of 'she'll shut up in a bit'. I had food poisoning one time and had to throw up over a wall because he wouldn't take me home despite me saying how ill I felt. He wasn't even aware that I'd been sick, as he walked off some distance ahead with my brother.

I've worked hard to try to build a relationship with him. I desperately wanted a 'Dad'. Admittedly before I recognised that he is a narcissist and it is impossible. Now I try to keep things reasonable and I try to limit the damage he can do to me.

I think what obviously puzzles some of us is why you would take anything from someone who you feel has treated you so badly.

lostinrates

gwen80 wrote: »

Right, I was going to resist, but you really have no idea. My Dad lived abroad for almost my entire childhood - visiting me once a year. When he came to visit, he completely ignored me, focusing entirely on my brother. I used to cry because I hated him coming to visit and he ignored me. I actually remember conversations between him and my Aunt of 'she'll shut up in a bit'. I had food poisoning one time and had to throw up over a wall because he wouldn't take me home despite me saying how ill I felt. He wasn't even aware that I'd been sick, as he walked off some distance ahead with my brother.

I've worked hard to try to build a relationship with him. I desperately wanted a 'Dad'. Admittedly before I recognised that he is a narcissist and it is impossible. Now I try to keep things reasonable and I try to limit the damage he can do to me.

I really AM sorry for touching a nerve. I really think you are jumping to conclusions on how much of an idea people might have and why they might make different choices based on experience.

But I am VERY, genuinely sorry for having phrased this abruptly, hurt fully and upsetting you. I fully accept I did that.

gwen80

Own_My_Own wrote: »

Maybe.
I just remember someone with 2 children talking about hiring a caravan or such last year because they couldn't stay with there Dad.

No, that's not me. Sounds like something that happened with my brother though!

gwen80

Dunroamin wrote: »

I think what obviously puzzles some of us is why you would take anything from someone who you feel has treated you so badly.

In all honesty, the main reason is so that I can see my brother and his family. I have very little family and I adore my nephews.

ecgirl07

gwen80 wrote: »

I visit my brother at the same time otherwise, trust me, I would not visit him

Dont give it a second thought, if you hadn't booked business class he would have emailed saying "why didnt you book business class?"

Its not about you and you cant win so dont over think it.

Enjoy your trip!

Own_My_Own

Dunroamin wrote: »

I think what obviously puzzles some of us is why you would take anything from someone who you feel has treated you so badly.

Unless you have a parent like this it is very hard to understand.
It is like wondering why an abused wife stays with her husband.

You always have a small hope in the back of your head that they will change. Even though deep down you know they won't.
It took me to the age of 40 to except my Mum would never change. Some people never see it, and spend they whole life hoping.

gwen80

Dunroamin wrote: »

I think what obviously puzzles some of us is why you would take anything from someone who you feel has treated you so badly.

I should also say that I guess there's some tiny part of me that hopes he might change. At times he can be concerned, possibly slightly bordering on caring about me...actually as I'm typing this I'm remembering stuff I read about narcissists giving a little to take a lot and it's all about you not really knowing where you stand with them.

lostinrates

Own_My_Own wrote: »

Unless you have a parent like this it is very hard to understand.
It is like wondering why an abused wife stays with his husband.

You always have a small hope in the back of your head that they will change. Even though deep down you know they won't.
It took me to the age of 40 to except my Mum would never change. Some people never see it, and spend they whole life hoping.

This is true too. But ultimately once we are adult we do have a choice we didn't have as children, and can decide whether to engage with these sorts of parents and how much (unless they cut one out first I suppose!)

I am also wary of a lot I read about narcissists. A lot is very biased in the favour of their 'victims' as totally innocent. We usually have flaws of our own and as adults have to accept some responsibility we don't have as children for the continuing problems IMO.

zagfles

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Dont give it a second thought, if you hadn't booked business class he would have emailed saying "why didnt you book business class?"

Its not about you and you cant win so dont over think it.

Enjoy your trip!

Or cancel the flights, rebook yourself, paying yourself, and show him you're not financially or otherwise dependant on him. Then maybe arrange to meet him on your terms, perhaps suggesting a time and place, perhaps paying for a meal etc, and leave it up to him whether to show up or not.

Believe me, there's no better way to show someone the world doesn't revolve around them by taking control, showing them you're not dependant on them, calling the shots, and letting them take it or leave it. By letting him pay for stuff you just pander to his narcissism (sp?).

gwen80

lostinrates wrote: »

I really AM sorry for touching a nerve. I really think you are jumping to conclusions on how much of an idea people might have and why they might make different choices based on experience.

But I am VERY, genuinely sorry for having phrased this abruptly, hurt fully and upsetting you. I fully accept I did that.

Thank you for your apology - unfortunately you did touch a nerve. I'd trade any number of airmiles to have had a 'Dad' in my life.