My Dad

Callie22

Recent events with OH's dad have shown us that there's nothing you can do with a narcissist. If it's not on their terms, then it's not on at all. So, everything you do with/for/around them becomes nothing more than a damage limitation exercise for yourself, because nothing you do will ever be right, and if you do what you were told was right last time, then this time there'll be a hundred or more reasons why it's now utterly wrong.

Thankfully after some particularly horrible recent events OH has stopped most of the contact with his dad, but now we're dealing with the fallout of decades of abuse by his dad which has affected so many people it's untrue. I don't know what to say about this particular situation other than you need to ignore as much of your dad's behaviour as possible and try to have a decent holiday (hard, I know). You mention in the OP about what can you do with a seventy year old who acts like he's seven - that's exactly what we've said about OH's dad - when he has his 'tantrums' he is just like a frustrated, spiteful child and if it wasn't a relative (and if it wasn't so scary) it would be funny to watch. It's helped OH to realise that his dad is mentally ill - because he really is - and realise that his dad's behaviour is not caused by anything he personally has said or done. If you can start to distance yourself from it, that's a start to dealing with it more effectively.

gwen80

Last time I was visiting him, his 'friend' stopped by. He shook my hand, said 'Hi, I'm Dave - a friend of your Dad's if you can believe he has any'. Everyone who's in his life (and they're dwindling fast) is using him to some extent, because he has nothing 'real' to offer and by that I mean kindness, concern for others, support etc and any normal relationship with him is impossible.

gwen80

zagfles wrote: »

Maybe pay for your own flights to visit your brother? Just a thought...

I would have done. However, Dad had said I could use his airmiles... He gave me his account no. and PIN.

marisco_2

lostinrates wrote: »

Tbh if you are using him I don't really feel you can complain he doesn't want to spend time with you. It risks ringing a little hollow.

The OP is not using her father. He has offered for her to use his air miles and has moved the goal posts over this since her last visit. Such is her concern for not doing anything to upset him that she is trying to address this with him only to be blanked. Despite her father making maintaining a relationship with him extremely unpleasant the OP tries her best to do this. Most likely suffering great detrimental effects to her well being in the process. So why the need for you to see the worst in her?

Own_My_Own

Sorry if I've got the wrong person, but didn't you have a nightmare visiting him last year.

gwen80

Own_My_Own wrote: »

Sorry if I've got the wrong person, but didn't you have a nightmare visiting him last year.

I might be wrong, but I don't think I've posted about my Dad before. As I said, it could be my memory though...

Last time I visited him, he went off to 2 business meetings whilst I was there, so it's hardly quality time anyway!

Dunroamin

gwen80 wrote: »

I would have done. However, Dad had said I could use his airmiles... He gave me his account no. and PIN.

He may have offered but that didn't mean you had to accept.

Own_My_Own

gwen80 wrote: »

I might be wrong, but I don't think I've posted about my Dad before. As I said, it could be my memory though...

Last time I visited him, he went off to 2 business meetings whilst I was there, so it's hardly quality time anyway!

Maybe.
I just remember someone with 2 children talking about hiring a caravan or such last year because they couldn't stay with there Dad.

gwen80

lostinrates wrote: »

Tbh if you are using him I don't really feel you can complain he doesn't want to spend time with you. It risks ringing a little hollow.

Right, I was going to resist, but you really have no idea. My Dad lived abroad for almost my entire childhood - visiting me once a year. When he came to visit, he completely ignored me, focusing entirely on my brother. I used to cry because I hated him coming to visit and he ignored me. I actually remember conversations between him and my Aunt of 'she'll shut up in a bit'. I had food poisoning one time and had to throw up over a wall because he wouldn't take me home despite me saying how ill I felt. He wasn't even aware that I'd been sick, as he walked off some distance ahead with my brother.

I've worked hard to try to build a relationship with him. I desperately wanted a 'Dad'. Admittedly before I recognised that he is a narcissist and it is impossible. Now I try to keep things reasonable and I try to limit the damage he can do to me.

lostinrates

gwen80 wrote: »

I visit my brother at the same time otherwise, trust me, I would not visit him

marisco wrote: »

The OP is not using her father. He has offered for her to use his air miles and has moved the goal posts over this since her last visit. Such is her concern for not doing anything to upset him that she is trying to address this with him only to be blanked. Despite her father making maintaining a relationship with him extremely unpleasant the OP tries her best to do this. Most likely suffering great detrimental effects to her well being in the process. So why the need for you to see the worst in her?

I'm not trying to see the worst in her. I apologise, and agree, my post was harsh. I think we all do things that are......suited to ourselves at times, for op, I think this is one of those times. I do think she is using him. When she visited HIM he told her she should have used business class. She is only visiting HIM to see her brother.

gwen80 wrote: »

I visit my brother at the same time otherwise, trust me, I would not visit him