My Dad

Person_one

Dunroamin wrote: »

I think what obviously puzzles some of us is why you would take anything from someone who you feel has treated you so badly.

A few airmiles is pretty measly compensation for 30+ years of being an uninterested father.

gwen80

He normally finds some single Mum to befriend, sometimes with disabled children and he uses his annual leave to take them on holidays.

zagfles

Person_one wrote: »

A few airmiles is pretty measly compensation for 30+ years of being an uninterested father.

Compensation?? You really have missed the point...

gwen80

Ok, I'm going to throw this out there. I think, at times, I can show some narcissistic traits. Does anybody else have a parent like this and also feel like this? Surely I can't have learnt it from him as I hardly spent any time with him. Could it be genetic?

poet123

Narcissism can be borne out of not having your needs met by those whom you would expect to do so.

So, it can be a familial trait, in that your father may have those traits due to his childhood and so could you. If you do not have the fallback of parents who put your first, then you quickly learn that you, and you alone, are ultimately the one who has to make yourself happy, at whatever cost to to others.

You realise that if you do not put yourself and your needs first no one else will. Such traits become ingrained and even if you come to have people in your life who are different, who behave differently towards you, it can be very hard to trust that will continue or is even what it appears, so you do what feels right for you; look after number one and see the worst in others to protect yourself from hurt.

zagfles

gwen80 wrote: »

Ok, I'm going to throw this out there. I think, at times, I can show some narcissistic traits. Does anybody else have a parent like this and also feel like this? Surely I can't have learnt it from him as I hardly spent any time with him. Could it be genetic?

Yes, you can inherit personality traits just like you can inherit looks etc. The advantage you have is you have seen the damage caused by the behaviour which results, so even if you have similar personality to him you can make sure you modify your behaviour so as not to make the same mistakes.

gwen80

zagfles wrote: »

Yes, you can inherit personality traits just like you can inherit looks etc. The advantage you have is you have seen the damage caused by the behaviour which results, so even if you have similar personality to him you can make sure you modify your behaviour so as not to make the same mistakes.

Thinking about it some more, I'm definitely not like my Dad. I really value my relationships with other people and would do anything to help someone out. Unfortunately some of my family don't share the same qualities

Floxxie

I definitely recommend therapy to you...a narcissist doesn't accept that there is anything wrong with them. You as a child of narcissist have been trained to think everything is wrong with you.

Best thing is to let go and break contact. You cannot fix them and they will not change.

gwen80

Floxxie wrote: »

I definitely recommend therapy to you...a narcissist doesn't accept that there is anything wrong with them. You as a child of narcissist have been trained to think everything is wrong with you.

Best thing is to let go and break contact. You cannot fix them and they will not change.

I had little contact with my Dad growing up. Although far from ideal, I can see now that it was probably the least damaging scenario for me.

Interestingly my Dad has mentioned that he's had some therapy. No idea why or what prompted it.

My Dad very much sees things as 'right and wrong'. He is, of course, always right and everything is always someone else's fault. To me, in relationships, there's often no 'right or wrong', just different perspectives which are all valid.

He seems to be capable of being less/not narcissistic on occasions, but then things like this happen. If one thing has upset him, he does tend to lash out at others, whereas if he's feeling happier in general, you'd get a different response.

I emailed him last Sunday to say that I'd tried unsuccessfully to contact him and I'd like to discuss the flight problem, please could he contact me and we could try and sort something out. Nothing!

I'm going to try calling him again this weekend and if nothing, I'll be cancelling the flights I booked, rebooking myself and that'll be that.

G

marisco_2

I am really sorry to hear that your dad is still not responding to any of your attempts to contact him. That must be upsetting for you and leave you not knowing where you stand with him. A very unnecessary way for him to treat you. It comes across to me as if he is sulking and trying to punish you in some way.

I think it speaks volumes about what a decent and nice person you are, that you are trying to resolve this issue with him still. How you choose to handle this situation is completely up to you of course. Personally in your position I would be cancelling the flights and rebooking without phoning first. You have given him ample opportunity to explain his perspective already. I feel if you do speak with him it is highly likely, that he will just take the opportunity to level out verbal abuse and vitriol to you, that you simply do not deserve.