The OS Doorstep - a helpful and supportive thread in these tough times

PRINCESSX87

Just wanted to pop back now i'm home to say the appointment went well and I've agreed to go back next week. Today's appointment was basically explaining how its going to be hard, But harder to accept the changes coming. Surly it can only be a good thing?

Thanks for all the well wishes.
x

lobbyludd

Hugs Gailey,

please offload here whenever you need, you and your OH are both going through stressful times, and it isn't on for him to have a go at you re tidying the house. Looking after preschoolers, and trying to keep a home together on a radically decreased budget is very difficult, especially when the means of digging you out of that financial hole is beyond you're control. But hopefully it was indicative of the stress you are both under and if you can sit down and talk lovingly about the respect you have for each other's roles and how hard you are both trying to get through this, it will just be a blip.

from my perspective as a divorced single parent who both when married and now the main breadwinner and childcarer and household organiser etc etc: being a single parent is easier than being with a non-supportive spouse, but mine was/is a violent alcoholic so not a usual situation .

any mix and match of responsibilities between 2 people in a partnership can work as long as both are happy with the split and mutually respect each others needs and challenges and are supportive of that. My job is challenging but I personally find paid employment much less stressful than running the home and raising children, although the moments of joy in the later are far more fulfilling and precious. Not only that but I have never had a colleague, boss, co-worker, or anyone in a paid employment environment treat me the way little children can when they are stretching their boundaries, nor has any decision i have made at work weighed me down with responsibility the way the decisions in the domestic arena involving those I love do.

Being isolated with small children, no independence and without any adult contact that isn't child-based is well evidenced to be much more stressful than most paid employment, particularly in times of financial problems. So don't beat yourself up, and there's some great suggestions here for getting some support that doesn't involve OH, as putting all your eggs in any one basket is a precarious place to be.

lobbyludd

when the Rayburn needed fixing he was making dark mutterings about 'fixing it AGAIN' and I passed some comment about if you want a truly thankless task that needs doing over and over, you should try the laundry

quite! I was on a DIY forum looking up something and came accross a thread where some bloke was moaning about having to recaulk the bath again after X years and why was it always his job, one of the tradesman replied that he'd clearly never cleaned the bathroom, because if he ever had he'd understand the definition of drudgery, told him to stop whining and go and make his other half a cup of tea! I think I fell in love

I think my washing machine has stopped heating the water. beggar. washing at 14 degrees then, very eco friendly, not sure it's getting anything clean.

Hard_Up_Hester

My 1st husband expected me to do everything for him, the house & run the business. My social life was joining the PTA, it's no coincidence that I left him 1 week after the last child left home! He still can't understand what went wrong.
With my 2nd husband we both work, him full time, me term time only, I do inside the house, he does outside, he grows fruit and veg and loads of it in our tiny garden.
Hester

fuddle

It's about mutual respect as far as I can see. I support DH in his work because I respect that he works hard for us. I respect him enough to see that he's stressed and under pressure and needs to fish on a weekend to release the tension. I respect him as a hard working, loving dad and adore the values and lessons he passes on to our children. He comes in of an evening, lies on the couch and only moves when he's had a power nap. I do everything for him because he's tired and it's my job to nurture my family.

When I was working DH took a joint role in the running of the household and most probably took more of it on as he was in the door with the girls before I was. He was strained and I was strained. Family life became secondary to working.

I don't resent being a SAHM it was my choice and in doing so I took on the running of the household. DH respects me enough in that role to ask for a cuppa instead of barking an order at me :rotfl:

ArthriticOldThing

Gailey, of courseyou’re worn out and weary with everything you’re facing.:( I can’t addanything to the wise advice given by fuddle,wondercollie, savingqueen and others. Take it one thing at a time and make sure youhave ‘me time’ even if just a little. You will get thrueventually.

Fuddle I’m sopleased your Guardian Angel was watching and you got your little house sorted.You can only do for your mum whatever is possible in the limited time you haveleft. I hope the pressure does not get too much. Your new life is coming so close.:j:j

So many of you have had hard times with young families andOHs not being the most perceptive. I was very fortunate really although my firsthusband worked at a manual job but from themoment he set foot in the house his working day stopped. He dropped clothes,boots etc where he took them off, expected meals & drinks provided but leftall dishes where he sat, left all the housework, paying bills, shopping etc tome.:mad::mad: And I was also working full time. However, we had no children so at least Idid not have that to think about when I finally left him.:T

But my second husband was as different as could be. Already retired when we met he made sure we shared everything. Bringing up children,looking after the house, cooking meals, the good times and the bad times. Hewas unfailingly patient and as an ex Royal Marine (Sergeant Major) was very fastidious about hisappearance. Sound like Mr. Wonderful? He was. :A I know – I’m prejudiced. :rotfl:

And Mardatha I’mnot surprised your GP ‘forgot’ to tell you about the gallstones – when my DHwas finally diagnosed with Coeliac Disease the consultant calmly announced thatit had been discovered two years earlier:eek::eek::eek:– but no-one had gotten around to telling us – even as he got sicker andsicker. I hope you find a way to ease the pain.

[Deleted User]

Spot on FUDDLE it's family equality of the best kind when you can work together, apart or on separate projects without feeling you're not being fairly treated. I can only speak for us but I've always felt valued and equal in our relationship, we make joint decisions about important things and we don't go behind each others backs to get our own way, we're honest with each other, sometimes that means telling hard truths and not letting things lie but we know where we stand and respect each other as individuals. Of course there are things that annoy, there are in every relationship and on the day that I achieve perfection I'll react if I'm criticised for anything, but until then I'll listen and he'll listen and we'll work things out together. Marriage isn't about rose tinted glasses and happily ever after, it's about working things out together and making compromises that suit both of you and respecting the person you live with, until that is in place you can't automatically expect unquestioning respect and support in return. Lyn x.

ArthriticOldThing

Exactly MrsLW.

savingqueen

Just taking 15 mins before I make dinner. Not long back from the park, decided to leave town trip until tomorrow. Boys love our favourite local park especially now they have jazzed up the play area with some climbing "pods" with those hand and foot grips and a zip wire. We had a walk around and noticed several trees uprooted, really sad to see (though my two wasted not time climbing all over them) but so fortune they fell where they did as one side is a lovely little old church and graveyard, other children's play area and to the back a car park so lucky all those areas were not damaged, just a grassy area. The weather is so mild for nearly November, my boys stripped to T-shirts after running about. They go stir crazy if they don't get out in the fresh air.

Glad your appointment went well Princess, you have nothing to loose by going again next week and it might be just the ticket, hope the sessions help.

right off to the kitchen, looking forward to the oven being on, small pleasures

sq

bluebag

I am very lucky, I am wed to the most amazing husband.

Took me ages to get him like that tho!!:D