The OS Doorstep - a helpful and supportive thread in these tough times

PRINCESSX87

Morning everyone.

Seems many of you are having some real struggles at the moment. I hope & pray this is just a blip for many of you and the good times return's quickly.

I'm very nervous today. Its my first meet & greet appointment and its making me on edge. Followed up with the fact I now have the start of a cold thanks to my brother sharing his germs. I'm not sure what is worrying me the most out of it all. The fact I have to open up or the whole thing in general? Who knows, But I am trying to remain level headed & keep reminding myself I "NEED" to do this.

Yesterday we managed to get out finally before midday and it was a total nightmare. Roads was chaos because yet another accident on the motorway - So not as much done as we had planned.

Anyways, I'm going to try and remain busy until my appointment. No doubt I will be back later. Take care all. xxx

[Deleted User]

PX87 just remember pet that we're there at your back with a hand each on you to hold you steady so you're not having to face any of it totally alone pet, hugs Lyn xxx.

Pinkdebster

Good luck Princess - thinking of you xxx

nuttyp

Good luck princess, everything will be ok - and its fine to feel nervous - we all do at times. Just remember we will all be with you. x

katieowl_2

FWIW I used to tell people I was a single parent when the kids were small, with a dry ironic laugh, as mostly they knew I lived with their dad. I'm afraid I've probably given my kids a dreadful example to live by, as the lessons they have learned from me include

1) A blokes are ultimately useless (sorry Pops and any other decent chaps reading this) if you want one in tow, be prepared to clean up behind it - like a puppy but worse - because you will not be able to train it to do anything the way it should be done

2) If you have kids with one, make sure it's because you want kids, and you are prepared to take all the responsibility yourself :mad:

Dreadful... I know

OH had the perfect excuse for not helping me...He left the house for work too late to assist taking the kids to school. He came back very very late as he was working. You can't take a bloke to task for not being there if he's 'working' can you? Very convenient - he also managed to work very hard earning F. all which he continues to do to this day. He also maintained that being so broke we could only afford one car...the one he took to work every day, as that was the only way he could operate his business. Result I struggled for years slogging back and forth with kids, child minding, shopping, taxis for big shops, being too broke to have a social life. I spent a lot of time defending him for working as hard as he could!!!

Want to know what I think about this with hindsight? Apart from Passive/agressive? Actually probably not best voiced in a public forum but I would urge all of you younger women to make sure you are truly honest about how your relationship is working out for your benefit and put your bl**dy elbows on. I know work is ridiculously demanding on people these days, and that money is very short, but you are entitled to some kind of quality of life too.

When we got investigated by the IR for the first time, I made a list of all the things we did to save money to send to the female dog that was on our case, and we looked at it and said blimey we don't have much fun do we. We made a few small changes, but most of the burden still fell on me :mad:

A couple of years before we moved out of London I insisted that I have my own car again, in fact the first time I drove on a motorway was the day we moved down here. I will never again allow him to commandeer the transport. I do not care if he dresses like a tramp, I will continue make sure I look half decent, and every month I go out with my GF's

Kate

nuttyp

Kaiteowl, I truly sympathised with you. My OH isn't here much either, but when he gets home he is what I call @nal in tidying up EVERYTHING to the point you cant find anything.

He wasn't there much when they were little, and we separated for a few years but this did us both a favour in a way - ours was over debt. For us things have got better, I suppose my health can be trying but we do sort of cope.

Just remember you are allowed ME TIME, even if its 5 mins n a hot bubbly bath with a drink in one hand and a good read in the other.

take care x

savingqueen

Morning all

(((((((((((((Gailey, fuddle, Cheapskate, Princess))))))))))))))- please accept the biggest and bestest hugs from me today.

Fuddle, so glad you have a lovely little house, brilliant news!! Not long now, I know life is very tough right now but you are doing it and will soon be starting a new, better life.

Gailey - I hear and get everything you are saying love. I know it feels like life is hard, too hard almost to bear but you will get through this and come out the other side. Life with small children is tough without extra challenges but it will be lots easier when they are all at school or at least having 2 at school.

I agree with the advice given, just try and concentrate on the short term, prioritise the most important - everyone fed, clothed and then work down. it is impossible to keep all the plates spinning perfectly with a young family. I do not do paid work and both mine are at primary school and I still struggle to get everything done. The phrase "good enough" helps me - I can't be a perfect person - mum, wife, friend etc but I can be a good enough person and that's fine. You are doing your best, you can do no more. Sometimes you need to do less than your best and put yourself first even for a very short while so you don't burn out.

Do you have Homestart in your area? If so contact them, I've heard our local one is very good. You can also have a chat with a friendly Health Visitor (if you have a nice one) and see if they have any groups you can attend or other services. You could also put an "ad" on netmums asking if there is anyone in the same boat who would like to meet up. You can be honest and say you haven't much money and feeling a bit lonely if you like.

When I moved to our area I didn't know a soul (and family not local) and I forced myself to join any group I could. I put an ad on netmums and answered a couple. I said in my replies that I was a bit shy etc and didn't have lots of spare money to go out. I made a couple of friends that way, don't see them now, we have drifted apart but they were a lifeline a few years ago. If I think of anything else I will post again.

well 2nd load nearly ready to go out. Boys getting restless, was planning to go to the park this morning but too many chores to do and washing to do while we have none of the wet stuff. I am trying to cobble together 2 Halloween outfits from home rather than buying outfits - think we will have to trawl the pound shops after lunch to accessorise. Just feel like getting back under the duvet but will stifle my yawns and get on with it.

sq

Broomstick

Pooky wrote: »

Gailey - it sounds like you've got a lot of things going round in your head, I went through this when my DDs were small and I was with my ex. Every day was a battle of housework, decorating, renovating, child Care, money worries, self loathing etc etc. one day it all just snapped, I had a darn good cry and decided to just concentrate on one thing fully and the rest was allocated a small chunk of the week. Child care came first, I stopped resenting that ex wasnt home on time or that he didn't help when he was there, by not expecting any help, making the daily routine work for me. If he couldn't get home to see them before they went to bed, his loss. The house had the basic housework done daily, air the beds whilst having breakfast, make beds whilst dressing kids, a quick wash up, tidy and Hoover of one room and out the door for a walk/play group etc. I didn't faff around looking for reduced food, just cut out all the "treats" and reduced the shopping bill as much as possible. Kids were always in bed by 6.30/7pm and then I'd have a half hour whizz around tidying up and popping some laundry going (hung on airer before I went to bed). Even now when I have lots going on in my head and to much to cope with I revert back to "one thing" and doing that one thing properly. If your head space is taken up with lots of things, your life will be too.

Pooky, this makes so much sense. So much so that I'm going to start a new thread 'Doing one thing properly'. I'm struggling to focus on paperwork but I recognise the young children scenario so well (mine are young adults now).

B x

mardatha

I'm going to be a lone voice of dissent here.. I eloped at 16 and had my first at 18 so I do know what its like to be a very young wife with kids and no money...so I feel qualified to speak out
I think it works fine if you put your mind to it and keep it simple. If he goes out to work and she stays home and deals with the house and kids, fulltime, it works. Both equally important positions.
The probs start when you want kids and a job and a social life and and and. If you can settle for just home and kids then its simpler - and think about it, we only have kids for 16 years. Out of a whole lifetime, that is not a long time. Then when they get older you can get out more get a job and have a life.
Purely my personal view and how I did it.;)
Been to docs for the umpteenth time with pain in midriff, and after spending a bloody fortune on herbs and pills and supplements for digestion etc - she informed me that I have gallstones and they "forgot" to tell me. :mad:

savingqueen

I know what you mean re male OHs. I do love mine and he is generally great with the kids though not as patient as me and far too shouty with them at times which gets to me. He works hard to provide us with an income and has a long commute and is studying to try and protect his career ITSHTF workwise. I am grateful and appreciative of what he does do. In some ways he is supportive and doesn't nag me to do things BUT ....

he has got very used to me doing virtually everything at home - cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, all the admin, finances, insurances, sorting car, social life, pressies, kids' needs which covers many areas from education, health, emotional stuff to running them about etc, stuff like decorating, cleaning the car and trying to bake/cook/mend etc and do lots of OS stuff which is time heavy.

I am not doing any paid work but until the summer I was doing volunteering, training and courses for my own benefit but also to boost my CV if/when I return to paid work. I only had a few hours left each school week for all the chores and spending every evening and most of weekend playing catch up. My hours of work are always greater than DHs. I am up first doing chores and sit down last for the same reason.

I have finally decided to let all the extras like volunteering go for a while until I feel stronger, got my depression under better control and I have sorted the house properly (which is a massive task) I have finally accepted that whether I do paid work, study, volunteering etc or not, I will still end up doing nearly everything home/child related. Maybe if we both worked and didn't have children things would be fairer, I don't know. I have also decided to do better at making "me time" - if I don't no-one else will.

I also feel like a single parent at times - although I don't express it as I don't really know what it is like to be a single parent and it feels wrong for me to presume.

My DH has no interest in his appearance and I get what he means by people judging that way - he doesn't give a fig and says if people want to judge then let them, he doesn't care. I sort of agree with that attitude but then there is also the thing about self respect and wearing appropriate clothing etc to certain places eg. work, important social events. He has gone to work today with his shoes literally falling apart and to parents' eve last week with trainers with a massive hole in them. Yes we are on a tight budget but we can afford to replace shoes, he has no shoes without holes but if the PC or TV packed up he would be straight out the door to replace them.

Sorry didn't mean to go on about myself, it just all poured out. I am at another turn in my life path and need to get my head round some stuff so I can move forward.

I need another cuppa after that outpouring lol!
sq