The OS Doorstep - a helpful and supportive thread in these tough times

savingqueen

mardatha wrote: »

I think it works fine if you put your mind to it and keep it simple. If he goes out to work and she stays home and deals with the house and kids, fulltime, it works. Both equally important positions.
The probs start when you want kids and a job and a social life and and and. If you can settle for just home and kids then its simpler

Yes Mar, wise words and you are well qualified to post! My long ramble before in a nutshell. I am going to concentrate for now on the kids and house PLUS some me time though which largely involves seeing friends in RL to natter and on here - :A they/you all :A keep me sane and give me much needed emotional support.

Gallstones - painful poor you. Can the docs do anything about them? My friend has them, doesn't want surgery but has some strong painkillers for when they give her grief and they take the edge off.

mardatha

Will play about with diet first SQ - am just annoyed that they forgot to tell me - sods lol
Maybe in times past, women had much more of a support network of rellies and neighbours, the back fence and the doorstep. It would be much easier to stay strong and cheerful if you could step outside for a good moan and rant at anytime. So probly modern day isolation and keeping up appearances does not help eh?

Possession

How could they forget to tell you you had gallstones?! Hope you can get it to be less painful Mar.
Princess, hope the meet goes well.
Fuddle the little house sounds wonderful. Well done for helping your mum out despite it all - just throw yourself into it for this limited time and then her fresh start is all up to her, nobody else is responsible.
Gailey I think trying some new playgroups sounds a good plan, to get out a bit more and meet new people, for you as much as the kids. And put them to bed whether DH gets home on time or not. Have definitely been there myself on that one, when DH was in his previous job he regularly worked 12 hour or even 16 hour days. I worked out that in the first year of DS's life he worked more than half the weekends - as well as minimum 12 hour days all through the week. It's horrible, and I resented him for it but it wasn't his fault.
Ironic really since he only has one more week of his contract left and he is jobless once more. Life really is a rollercoaster isn't it?

ginnyknit

What we tend to forget is that as well as having family all living in the same street and good neighbours they were also gossips and 'those who know better'. A lot of new mums had to suffer advice from older relatives and a lot of tut, tutting when they did things....go on ask me how I know???

aww Fu, bl**dy gallstones, after all this time they finally decide to tell you :mad: I had them till I was 23 and decided it was from teen years of drinking gallons of pop, sugary wonderfulness it was too. One thing your porridgy breakfast should help line your tum and give you a good start to the day.

Im also struggling here but at my age coming online helps. I had a hubby who worked away a lot so knew from the get go that I would be basically bringing up the littlies alone. Men were made to drive you daft and things never change. After 30 odd years of making pumpkin lanterns Oh decided he would do this years, OMG he drove me to distraction and is walking funny today as I shoved the pumpkin where the sun dont shine :rotfl: Seriously though Gailey I hope you find a group or somewhere to go and talk to like minded people, just remember the last few years have been hard but things will improve and eventually you will have time to be you.

We have tried over the years most options ie. house husband with me the main breadwinner, Oh self employed then me with the high powered job and him with part time work. All of which had their good and bad points none of which prepared us for the situation now with me as carer and him poorly but we try our best and are lucky that the kids are so good and supportive.

kezlou

((hugs))fuddle, cheapskate and princess ((hugs))

princess just remember were all here for you chick!!

Gailey thats exactly what i do take one thing at a time.
I'm got myself into a rut and now i'm taking things slowly.

I've basically brought up two kids on my own, i'm the one that sorts everything out, and i mean everything. Put it this way, i'm at the point where he can swan off and guess what the kids come to me because in they words i'm the one that listens.

Sad but true


Just had a massive go at OH and the boys for not tidying anything away. The boys copy off they father so i'm sick. so now we work off our own schedule. Only took me 14 years to finally see and do it, but i know personally we are happy just getting on with it by ourselves.

once i get something sorted with finances, now i am going to save up for driving lessons.

Popperwell

I'm biased of course I am but my parents were as much in love and there for each other at the end as the beginning of their marriage but they never had the chance for time together in retirement. Can appreciate for many that's not how it is. Oh I'm sure they had their troubles nothing is perfect.

I know some of us fellas can be infuriating...

When Possession took care of rabbits many months ago I had seen a lovely image of a US Marine looking after/raising a rabbit that I think had been abandoned or the mother had been killed but could not find, its resurfaced again on Twitter so without meaning to hijack/change the topic I'll post here the link here...as you were...

[Deleted User]

I was a stay at home mum for both the girls and they are 5 1/2 years apart and He Who Knows had to leave the house early and came back late and often had sports committments after work so he zipped home for supper and zipped off again and was usually not home on those days until after midnight. He also ran the county Squash Results Department so when he was at home he was on the computer and busy. It's just what happens when your other half has a demanding job and is the only one working, I didn't expect him to do the housework or the washing and ironing and he never has done the shopping except when I had DD2 and he only ever came back with frozen sausage rolls and baked beans when he did go, so it was better if I did. He was out grafting to earn the money to keep a roof over our heads and keep us fed, my job was the domestic side of things and everything that involves, I never saw it as unfair that we had a clearly defined role each in the relationship with areas that were solely one persons responsibility, it hasn't damaged us as a couple and we still have separate bits that neither of us get involved in with the other one, it's life!!! I know that was 30 years ago and life wasn't quite as demanding as it is these days if you have little ones but I didn't even drive in those days and had to walk everywhere with the pram, and we lived 1 and a half miles from the nearest shops and not on a bus route, life with kids involves lots of committment and isn't easy even on a good day but once you've had them, they're there for keeps and you just have to manage and cope!!Lyn xxx.

Nargleblast

Gailey - as others have said, bringing up children can be difficult, especially when it seems one person is doing most of the donkeywork and worrying. Pooky hit the nail on the head by saying you should focus on doing the important stuff well, and I would agree that in your case the children come first. Keep them in a regular routine (getting up, mealtimes, activities, rest times, bedtimes). I have learned with my two and with seeing other people's children that regular routines and consistency in rules make happier and more well-adjusted children. Don't be tempted to keep the sproglets up just because Dad is going to be late home, he can make up his quality time with them when he's off work. Their routine comes first, and once they are fed, watered and organised you can turn your attention to other jobs - just don't try and achieve a "perfect" house and life because these things don't exist. Never mind "keeping up with the Jones's", as someone once said, drag them down to your level!

And while you are plodding on, getting through each day, do you know what will happen? You will suddenly realise that you have passed through the worst and actually have quite a pleasant life.

katieowl_2

I agree with you basically Mrs LW, I did the same, we were better off with me at home with the kids as we got the working families tax credits as it was then, and by the time there were three of them, I'd have not earnt enough to make it worth paying for childcare.

My gripe is that it's never become LESS essential that I do everything, he can just about manage to make himself a cup of tea, he's got no idea how to use the washing machine (he only knows where it is cos' he plumbed it in) and the other day when the Rayburn needed fixing he was making dark mutterings about 'fixing it AGAIN' and I passed some comment about if you want a truly thankless task that needs doing over and over, you should try the laundry, and I got eye rolling and frankly my dear, heh heh heh, it's not REALLY in the same league is it. I fumed for days, but I should have really given him what for! This man can't even log onto his own online bank account? Why, cos' I'm in charge of the computer, have the book of passwords, the security gadget...

Since the comment about the washing, I've not put any of his away. I gave him the tub and said all that's yours can you fold it and put it away. It stayed where I gave it to him for three days, until I needed the room clear, when I moved tub to the bedroom. I have added clean unfolded washing to it ever since, and now he's just taking clean stuff off the top. I can't even be bothered to argue anymore!

Just saying, that you younger lassies need to make sure that supporting your partner while he works hard is appreciated as just that support while he works hard, and not a life long commitment to covering his !!! while he does as he damn well pleasies!

Kate (Yeah I'm bitter and twisted!)

kezlou

I understand entirely about long working hours etc and having clearly defined roles. I would love that to be honest because at then i would feel valued from a personal perspective.

Whats pees me off with OH is that when he is isn't working he just won't entertain the kids i.e play a board game or talk to them.
I know he works long hours but it doesn't take much to put his blumming shoes away in the cupboard :mad:

But he also expects me to run the business full time and the home without any assistance. I told if he wants me to do that i want expenses at least for travel to trade and business things. they add up thats all and its comes out of the household expenses. I do these things while he's sat on his backside playing on the pc.:mad: thats what winds me up, stupid i know.
I just get frustrated with him.

Well i managed to get all the washing done, with the majority of it dried So now mountain is gone !!!! :j:j:j:j
Doesn't seem like a big thing but it was a monster taking over the stairs
Got a dish full of soup ready for meals, just need some bread and were away