Son been naughty at his Dads house

paulineb_2

FBaby wrote: »

Really?? Leaving a screwdriver in the sight of an almost 6 yo is asking for trouble? Gosh, I must be a very tough mum with high expectations from my kids, because they certainly knew that this kind of action was wrong at that age. Now of course it could still have happened, but if it did, they would have been told off and they would have known very well why.

If parents don't think there is anything wrong with the possibility of them breaking the TV or putting holes in their wall if given the chance at the age of almost 6, then I think I must be living on another planet!

I dont think any child should have been left with a screwdriver in the vicinity, he could have harmed himself, that would be a massive cause for concern with me.

Also, it could have been an accident, a total accident. What kind of dad !!!!!!s off for a shower and leaves a 5 year old kid with a screwdriver while he does it?

Im sure as a child I did things I shouldnt have and Im sure I wasnt the only one.

The fathers reaction to this is absolutely OTT and if this child is going to be shouted at, Id have serious reservations about him going back there.

Hes a kid, kids make mistakes. He doesnt deserve to be made to feel bad, its a scratch on a table, not the end of the planet and I think the bigger issue is the relationship between the parents, if their relationship was on a better footing (and Im meaning no disrespect to the OP), this wouldnt be such a big deal.

In the time it took this dad to have a shower the child could have been seriously hurt. I dont think hes in any position to be taking any kind of high moral ground here.

He did not need to have the shower when he did, thats the bottom line, hes massively at fault here.

FBaby

Who said that he was going to shout at the kid? OP said he wanted to ask his son why he had done it. What seems to have got him going is her refusal to put the child on the phone and I can understand that.

In the time it took this dad to have a shower the child could have been seriously hurt.

A child can be serious hurt at anytime, but thankfully, most have gained a notion of danger by that age. At 6, you would expect to be able to be in a different room for 5 minutes without expecting them to reach into the sink, grab a knife and stab themselves by accident.

iammumtoone

FBaby wrote: »

Who said that he was going to shout at the kid? OP said he wanted to ask his son why he had done it. What seems to have got him going is her refusal to put the child on the phone and I can understand that.

His father was shouting at me and yes you are quite right maybe if I had put my son on the phone he might not have shouted at him, I wont know as he didn't speak to him. I didn't put my son on the phone as my son did not want to speak to his father (like I explained in my original post he doesn't like speaking on the phone) and as he was shouting and having ago at me I must be honest I was not overly keen on him speaking to our son in that mood anyway.

starrystarry

When my OH was 5 or 6 he was at his grandparents house and was playing in the garden while his grandad ate his tea after coming in from work. He found a hammer in the garage and decided to reshape the bonnet on grandpa's car :eek:

Grandpa heard the commotion, put his tea down on the coffee table and dashed outside (to give my OH a clip round the ear no doubt, considering this was 30+ years ago).

When he came back in the house the dog had eaten his tea :rotfl:

FBaby

I expect your son not to have wanted to go on the phone because he knew he had done wrong and was going to be told off. This is why I would have insisted in get on the phone after telling the dad that I agreed with how he felt (wanting to understand why he had done it) and asking him not to shout.

Instead, your son has learnt that he can do something naughty yet because it was at his dad, he doesn't need to face the direct consequences of his actions? Have you actually disciplined him yourself? or are you letting it happen today? Except that at that age, a week is a long time and whatever his dad says today isn't going to have the appropriate impact, hence why he wanted to talk to him there and then.

pandora205

Well I can see both sides on this one. I think that leaving a young child unattended with a screw driver around isn't a brilliant idea, but it wasn't a knife or an open bottle of bleach so wouldn't necessarily have rung alarm bells (after all families have all sorts of objects around, some of which could cause serious damage). Taking a short shower while looking after a child is reasonable but most parents would check the child was gainfully occupied first.

Becoming annoyed about a damaged table is entirely reasonable. A 6 year old could get carried away and do this without thinking but most would not. At this age a child would know that doing something that marks or damages walls or furniture is wrong.

However, shouting at the child's mother is unreasonable, particularly when this isn't going to be sorted out for several days. And children can rarely explain why they have done something, so it's a useless question. Imagine the possible answers:

I did this as I have yet to be able to separate fantasy from reality so I copied Bob the Builder.
I feel quite neglected when you are taking a shower (or doing your job or whatever) so I need some extra attention.
I once saw some big boys at the part hacking away at a bench so they were my role models.
I'm doing this to get revenge as you don't see me as much as you should.
Conflict is part of my life as you shout at mummy, so it feels comfortable, so I thought I'd do this.
The toys I have here are not appropriate for my developmental stage so I thought I'd do something creative.
I can't be trusted yet as I'm only little and so I need adults to keep me safe.
I'm a bit confused emotionally so needed to express my darker feelings though a bit of therapeutic play.

Errr... what answer did dad expect exactly?
(Not suggesting that all or any of the above apply - They are just examples.)

Of course the next thing is to think about what the adults can do about this. Refusing to see the son would be a very inappropriate rejecting thing to do but the damage (emotional and physical) needs to be repaired. So, if it can be handled sensitively, explaining why this was wrong, how the adults felt and giving him the opportunity to acknowledge it was wrong and to apologise are important. It would also be appropriate to think of ways to make amends, perhaps including the loss of a privilege.

Top_Girl

The parenting oneupmanship on this thread is utterly pathetic. But that's a side issue.

Welcome to parenthood OP's ex. Kids sometimes do things out of boredom or resentment or to see what happens or to see the reaction of their parents.

Either way the child did this on his time, in his home, technically following his abandonment. If your child isn't doing this at home then it is his dad's £^&*(&) problem to deal with, whilst you should be informed, you should NOT be blamed.

Also the threats not to see him because of it would tempt me to start diarising. You don't get to stop being a 2 hour a week dad because your child acts like a child whilst in your 'care'.

pigpen

FBaby wrote: »

Well I guess I'm the only one with the dad on this one. At 6, you should be able to leave a child for 5 minutes whilst taking a shower without property being vandalized during that time. As for why dad was taking a shower? Maybe because he was back from his job having sweated and smelling unpleasantly, or maybe because he was due to go out after dropping his child off.

Things like this happen, it's not the end of the world, but I agree that the child should be disciplined about it. If I'd been my boy, I would have made him speak to his dad on the phone to explain himself and apologise, just like I would have done if he had damaged property at his school.

Frankly I am quite gobsmacked by posters reactions here that seem to excuse the action of this child and make the father to be a demon for leaving his son alone for 5 minutes. The child is 6, not 2!

actually the child is 5.. almost 6.. but 5 still.

My 8 year old won't speak on the phone so why anyone would expect a 5 year old to is anyone guess, children are all different but very few of mine would use a phone at 5.

And mine have caused untold destruction in seconds (usually when I have selfishily gone to the loo).. but leaving tools around to stab holes in furniture/walls, pens to scribble on things, etc is asking for trouble.. It isn't rocket science.. put away your things when you have finished with them.. but I think I know only 1 or 2 men who can shower in under half an hour ( god knows why I think they spend 25 minutes washing their bits!!) so 30 minutes out of the 2 hours he has him.. if the majority of us manage I'm sure for this one day he could too.

Yes he has done something wrong but it would be more productive for mum and dad to get together with said child and sort it out asap in a civilised manner.. yelling at someone down the phone or waiting a week is not acceptable.. I refused to stand for that with my 14 y/o I definitely would not be putting a 5 year old through it.

And telling a 5 year old they aren't welcome at their parents house any more is disgusting.. I gave my childrens other parent a berating for telling my 14 y/o the same thing.. he was greatly affected for several weeks afterwards which caused repercussions with his school work and his teachers and at home and it also adversely affected his health.. I can only imagine a much younger child would be affected far worse.

So while you might expect to be able to trust a young child not to destroy anything in quarter or half an hour you cannot with 100% certainty guarantee it won't happen therefore some of the responsibility has to be your own as the adult.

FBaby

So while you might expect to be able to trust a young child not to destroy anything in quarter or half an hour you cannot with 100% certainty guarantee it won't happen therefore some of the responsibility has to be your own as the adult.

The issue from my perspective is not so much about trust but about discipline. I totally agree with you that you can't be 100% certain that a 5 or 6 year old won't get into unacceptable behaviour in these circumtances. However, letting it happen with proper and timely discipline is to me much more damaging than the actual event.

Did OP offered to the dad to come over and speak face to face to the child or even better to drive him there since the father had just dropped him off? Did she suggest that she would discipline the child himself and asked dad what he thought was appropriate?

If the damage had been done at her home or at school, how would she have handled it? To me, it should have been exactly in the same way, the fact that it was at his dad doesn't make it any less of a disciplinary action.

mummy86_2

omg how dare he talk to you like that! Tell your ex that this is NOT your issue and your son is only 6 and kids do things like that. I would also say to your ex that it might even be anger aimed at your ex!