Men not helping at get togethers...

ostrichnomore_2

Thoughts prompted by thread about home wedding reception and a suggestion that mums/sisters could help get everything ready, only for someone else to ask 'and why not the men?'

Family gettogethers/friends gettogethers/other social events. the women run around doing the food and making rounds of tea, and clearing up. and the men sit there doing nowt and being waited on. I've never really understood it.

Happens less than it used to, I've found. It tends to be generally the older generation now, which ok I partially understand as it's the traditional way to do things, but I've been in situations with younger people too where it still happens this way. It always annoyed me when I was younger and I used to go and sit down with the men, thinking if they weren't doing anything why should I, but I grew out of that and realised that just because they were lazy/selfish (as I see it) it's no excuse to do the same.

But why does it still happen a fair bit now? It still gets on my nerves, I think it's rude. I think the men are lazy sitting on their !!!!!! not lifting a finger.

In my own family there are some men who muck in and do their share without being asked, just do it naturally, and other men who'll sit and do nothing every single time.

What do you think about this? Does anyone else get as irritated by it as I do? Or do you not encounter it any more?

If this is how it runs in your house, would you mind explaining to me why? It's not a criticism, your house your rules and all that, but why? If you are a man who sits there while the women work, why? If you are a woman, and you don't mind it/expect it, why? If you don't like it, what do you do?

DKLS

Normally at family/friends events I would be happy to assist and often chip in with the exception of any events held at my great Aunts, where I know better to offer to help.

My great aunt is 86, about 5ft tall, thin as a lat, riddled with ailments that would have the majority of people running to a hospital bed, pulls out trays of food fresh from the oven only using her fingers, carries sacks of coal down the drive and has just given up riding motorbikes as she cant get into her leathers anymore!. :eek:

For her men are never asked for help at a do as thats "wimmens work" at her age there is no point trying to change her or introduce her to feminisim. My wife tried once and was given very short shrift.

She is one of the strongest and most inspiring woman I have ever had the pleasure to know.

Orlando_Virgin

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Thoughts prompted by thread about home wedding reception and a suggestion that mums/sisters could help get everything ready, only for someone else to ask 'and why not the men?'

Family gettogethers/friends gettogethers/other social events. the women run around doing the food and making rounds of tea, and clearing up. and the men sit there doing nowt and being waited on. I've never really understood it.

Happens less than it used to, I've found. It tends to be generally the older generation now, which ok I partially understand as it's the traditional way to do things, but I've been in situations with younger people too where it still happens this way. It always annoyed me when I was younger and I used to go and sit down with the men, thinking if they weren't doing anything why should I, but I grew out of that and realised that just because they were lazy/selfish (as I see it) it's no excuse to do the same.

But why does it still happen a fair bit now? It still gets on my nerves, I think it's rude. I think the men are lazy sitting on their !!!!!! not lifting a finger.

In my own family there are some men who muck in and do their share without being asked, just do it naturally, and other men who'll sit and do nothing every single time.

What do you think about this? Does anyone else get as irritated by it as I do? Or do you not encounter it any more?

If this is how it runs in your house, would you mind explaining to me why? It's not a criticism, your house your rules and all that, but why? If you are a man who sits there while the women work, why? If you are a woman, and you don't mind it/expect it, why? If you don't like it, what do you do?

At our family gatherings, it's exactly the same and I must admit I've never quite understood it either. From what I understand, all the men in the family share the load of the housework at their respective homes, pitch in equally etc.

When it comes to a BBQ at my Auntie's or whatever, all the men (including myself, can't claim glory) stand in the back garden and get bevvied up and talk about football, whereas the women are in the house chatting and whizzing round collecting empty plates, beer cans etc.

Like some sort of weird macho thing.

zaxdog

In my house the phrase "Are your hands painted on?" is applied to anyone too lazy to offer to help at a gathering. Even if everything is under control, not to offer is bad manners IMO whether you are male or female. :rotfl:

valk_scot

Traditionally the men carried out and set up tables, chairs, BBQ, carried stuff to and from the car, picked up rubbish and disposed of/took back anything required, including a run to the dump if necessary. Also they arranged and ran the booze/bar/drinks and did all the outside cooking on the BBQ.

Women did the food...buying, organising, cooking and plating onto serving platters.

Kids did the carrying of plates around, offering stuff, fetching and carrying from the kitchen, picking up empties and, in the case of of teenagers, the washing up.

That's how it's been in my family from the year dot, I remember many a greasy hour in the kitchen when I was a teen. Nobody got to sit on their !!!!!! in my family, the men may have sat down for a bit in the middle but the woman did so too as the food got underway. Oh yes, and while guests got a bye the first time round girlfriends, boyfriends and relatives however distant were expected to muck in too after the first time.

If the women in your family have to do everything then it's their own bloomin' faults tbh. Get out there and delegate!

January20

valk_scot wrote: »

If the women in your family have to do everything then it's their own bloomin' faults tbh. Get out there and delegate!

^ This above! This the reason. If women carry on doing it and don't ask for help, nothing will change!

I believe that some men are lazy and selfish because of 2 women: their mother who allowed them to get away with it and didn't teach them any better, and then their wife/ partner who carried on.

In the end, it's like training a dog.

ostrichnomore_2

Are your hands painted on? - love this :-)

It doesn't really happen in my family as such beyond one brother in law I've never seen stir himself, the rest of my generation at least all muck in. Weirdly, it seems to happen with some of my nieces/nephews and their partners though, which I wouldn't expect with them being younger. So it was an observation rather than a vent. I do still come across it at some places, not necessarily family ones, and it always sends my eyebrows shooting up. But it's not my place to interfere with it. If it's my house, damn right you'd all better get your bums moving or I would say something.

Orlando - interesting you admit to this. Does it never occur to you to change things and go do your bit? Has it ever crossed your mind before I asked the question that maybe this should change? Or do you think it's right? What do the women in your family think about it - is this how they like things or are they all in the kitchen grinding their teeth at you guys? (no attack here, just interested).

I agree a lot of it is down to men being spoilt by their mums/partners. Sometimes there's a culture of 'mens jobs/womens jobs' and maybe while its ok in that circumstance if everyone's happy with it, the men are too thick to work out that they shouldn't behave like that everywhere? new man's mum is a 'spoiler' (in a nice way) and I was rather surprised when we went to visit to find myself and her in the kitchen working on Sunday lunch and new man and his dad plonked on the sofa watching football. Made my heart sink a little as I'm not interested in having a man who thinks it's 1950, but it's only in that circumstance he does it, he's probably more domesticated/helpful than me away from his mum and always chips right in wherever we are. He doesn't carry it over anywhere else.

Treevo

I've found it to be the opposite when it's a BBQ.

j.e.j.

January20 wrote: »

In the end, it's like training a dog.

what would the reaction on here be if a man made that remark about women.. :think:

But yes, it is true that if traditional male/female roles are the way things have always been done within a family then it's not going to change unless the women make it clear they want it to (IF they want it to).

Ideally everyone should do their share of the tasks, but what annoys me is when people (women in this example) rush around doing all the work without saying a word, and then play the martyr or decide to snitch about the 'lazy' people who haven't helped.

ostrichnomore_2

Yeah, it's always one of the men who wants to cook on the BBQ because it's fun.

But who did the shopping, who prepared all the salads/got the bread out/put everything on the table/goes round with a bin bag to collect the rubbish blah blah blah. That's the main part of the work, not turning a sausage over now and then.

miss_independent

Yeah...it all stems from the days I think when most men did hard physical labor all day and women didn't work so did literally wait on them hand and foot. But obviously things have changed now...

I have to admit to being one of the women who actually really doesn't mind the men not doing anything. It p*sses me off when there is a bloke fan*ying around in MY kitchen and I do sometimes feel its easier to just do everything myself. I'd be freaked out if a guy helped me with the cleaning lol. Embarrassingly, I'm a bit of a Stepford Wife.

It does kind of annoy me when my Dad moans when he is at work or at home that, "No one has made me a cup of tea!". I don't think he's ever made me a cup of tea lol but because he is "The Man" he expects to never, ever have to make one for himself.