Scared

LastChanceSaloon_2

RAS wrote: »

Do you want to continue living in the UK, or to move back to Germany?

Germany would be the easy way out. I have a large, very close family and friends but no job and the small village I'm coming from would more than likely drive me nuts soon. On top of that I wouldn't have a job.

Here I have a well paid job and a great boss (I'm a PA and we are good friends). Renting with the animals seems like an impossibility after having talked to 10 estate agents. My parents come every 6-8 weeks to visit and see their grandson who they're doting on.

It's just this fear. And I know he will blame me and tell god knows what to my son.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Don't worry about the blame - or him telling your son gawd knows what...just get yourself out of there.

LastChanceSaloon_2

marisco wrote: »

I beg to differ that your husband is a good dad to your son. Being a good parent isn't about giving 90% effort, more it requires being selfless and dedicating your all to a child 24/7. That is not to say people wont make mistakes along the way, no one is perfect or gets it right all the time. Most people have a natural desire to do the very best they can by their children though. Conducting themselves in a way that enables this young life they are responsible for to feel loved, valued and secure.

If your sons welfare and wellbeing were at the forefront of your husbands mind then he wouldn't; be extremely hard on him behaving in an unpredictable and intimidating manner, reduce your son to being so frightened by his raised voice that he physically shakes, slap his mother, have him sharing his bed when he could have his own bedroom if your husband would just clear the study, be irresponsible with money nor carry on in the ways he does.

All the while you stay in this destructive relationship your impressionable young son will be learning what he lives. More and more he will see your existence as the norm in relationships. It is what he will settle for himself in years to come. If that thought isn't enough to make you consider whether you should make positive changes to your life, then I don't know what is. If you stay in this relationship yourself and your son will get dragged further and further down.

I know you are right and I have no idea where my strength is. Not good enough I know.
My mum just rang. She wants to come back. I wish she wouldn't have seen me in this state.

LastChanceSaloon_2

Pixiechic wrote: »

If you stay in the UK you could keep your job, your pets and your own home.

Or do you want to go back to Germany?

Whatever you do, you need to leave him, if not for your sake but your sons. As RAS suggested, contact Womens Aid.

Can I ask why your son sleeps in the bed with his Dad when he could sleep in the other bunk with you? Given that you say:

'Unfortunately he is also extremely hard on our son and can be very unpredictably and scary. If he raises his voice our son gets so frightened at times he physically starts shaking.'

How could I stay in the house? The mortgage is in joined names and we're paying interest only. He would never leave. He's just pottering around playing with his printer ignoring me.

Pixiechic

Sorry, I meant as in have your own home, away from him.

LastChanceSaloon_2

We live in Hertfordshire and I couldnt afford to buy on my salary alone.

I just spoke to my mum and she is coming back (they left Monday) so I am not alone. Pathetic to need your mum at my age but she is worried about my son and me.

Pixiechic

Even renting you would have a 'home' as in somewhere to live that is safe for you and your son.

Lifeforms

Okay stop right now.. You have a life too, your mother is probably desperately worried by having a married daughter who is obviously distraught with her current situation and probably realises that it's been going on for some time. She is probably feeling very helpless because she lives so far away, so it's outstanding of her to come back so soon because she sees you desperately need help. Embrace her love and desire to help and run with it!

Age has nothing to do with it, whether you're 16 and first moved out, or 40 and stuck in a terrible rut with no real clear way out. But there is always a way out. First off you do what is best for you and your son. If that means packing up, going to germany for a few months, moving back with your parents you go do it. In fact I'd suggest that you split now, go to germany, stay with your parents for a month or two with your son as we're into the summer holidays (almost) so he wouldn't miss school.
You need to talk openly and honestly with your parents as to what you want and need help with. See if they can help with rental deposits to stay in the UK, or see if they'd take your son for a holiday to give you and your husband time to sort things out.

You don't have to go back to Germany if you don't want to, Your option is also to carry on working with a decent job, find somewhere to live with your son, because I wouldn't be leaving him with his dad as primary carer, and go through divorce proceedings and split the marital proceeds.

But you need to stop thinking it's stupid, or wrong, or not natural for things to go t1ts up at any age. It happens, but it's the start of a new life for you now, just don't wear the blinkers, open your eyes as anything is now possible, you decide now.

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

Are you scared to use paragraphs? Don't be!

All you have to do is hit the 'return' key at the end of every couple of sentences. Go on, give it a try.

aridjis

LastChanceSaloon wrote: »

He is desperate for our son to do better than he did. He dropped out of school early, didn't have much parental support or encouragement (although his dad has a PhD and was a local councillor) but went back in his late twenties and did a degree.

The "I'll make you what I never was" approach will lead to mental health problems in the child in future.

You and your son could build yourselves a good life in Germany, if that's what you want.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide.