Scared

LastChanceSaloon_2

Please bear with me as I am not sure quite where to start. I am almost 40, married to a 54 year old man and we have an almost 10 year old son, 2 dogs and 2 cats. We are one of the original internet romances and fell in love when I was 23. I am German and came over here to study and build a life with him. I was very young for my age at the time and extremely insecure. He was fun loving and careless. We got a cat, another cat, bought a house, got a dog, had a baby and got another dog. My husband worked full-time as an electronic engineer earning a good salary. I worked part -time for a tour operator after our son had been born to fit around childminder and now school.
My husband and my relationship deteriorated years ago. He is one of the most kindest and caring man yet he has a nasty temper. He is also very carefree and has an attitude as if the world owes him something. He has a well paid job and will either work from home or visit clients. He will and has always done the absolute minimum no matter if at home or work with one exception. He is a fantastic dad 90% of the time who will go above and beyond in doing anything for our son. I know this has partially to do with the fact that his dad was always "at work" and never there for him. Unfortunately he is also extremely hard on our son and can be very unpredictably and scary. If he raises his voice our son gets so frightened at times he physically starts shaking.
Our relationship deteriorated years ago. I can't deal with his temper and over the years he has slapped me 3 times. The last time was about 2 years ago when I moved out of the bedroom and have been since sleeping in my son's bunk bed. My son meanwhile shares the bed with my husband. We have a 3 bedroom house but my husbands office is a junk room where he keeps bits for his hobby which he also stores in the playroom and kitchen (The kitchen table is his work shop). I have tried for years to change that but he is full of excuses. If, like my friends suggested, I'd set him an ultimatum and bin the stuff he would flip and probably just bu it again since he has absolutely no concept of money (nor does he care). His attitude is that he earns a certain amount and therefore he should be able to have a certain car, holiday, etc
My son is almost 10 and one of the most sensitive, insecure and most loving children one would ever meet with a hint of an explosive temper which can be frightening at times.
I have told my husband years ago that I am only still here because I don't know how to leave. I am close to my family but they live in Germany and I have kept it all in because I don't want them to worry. I suppose I have never been completely honest because I feel ashamed somehow that I can't make it work.
Recently things have come to a head. It all started well, when a friend offered me a much better paying job as an PA based on my language skills although I don't have "PA skills". It's a great opportunity and the additional money would mean we could pay off our debts and take some stress out of our life (I should say my stress since DH doesn't worry about money). At roughly the same time he went through a PIP and several disciplinaries after customer complaints about his behavior. When they last invited him to a meeting he went to the doctors and had himself signed off for depression (he's been on a low dose of medication for a few years after I said I can't deal with his behavior). A few weeks ago they sacked him. He has spent about £2k on 2 solicitors helping him to write an appeal letter. I had suggested he sees the CAB but he said they wouldn't have anyone specialized enough (did I mention he is lazy?). His appeal was heard 2 weeks ago and we have been waiting since. He has been at home 24/7 for about 4 months now. When I originally panicked about him losing his job he reassured me he would look for a job and while he is at home the house would be tidy. I have no idea what he has been doing apart from taking our son to his activities and asking me what's for dinner when I get home. I do all the shopping, paper work and I spent all weekend cleaning and tidying. He sits on his pc all day doing whatever he does. I tried to talk to him but he says he doesn't want to be a "wage slave" for the last 15 years of his working life and wants to find something that fulfills him. When he thought he was sacked he cashed in all of his shares and we used the majority to pay for cc debts. He asked me about 3 months ago if it was ok to purchase a 3D printer. I said it might not the the ideal time since we have no idea about our (financial future). He said "you're probably right" (I'm always the boring one). Last week I found an order confirmation. He'd spent £1500 on a 3D printer which seems part of his dream to fulfill himself.
My job, on the other hand is going well and would finally allow me to take my son and leave while he is getting on with his insanities. We haven't been in love for a long time but our life evolves around our son who is suffering from my husbands mood swings (he's seeing a therapist but we have done this before and as soon as the therapist asked him to do things he didnt want to do, i.e. lose weight, take physical exercise, etc he lost interest quickly). I am usually very good at putting up a happy front but when my mum was here last week I lost it and fell apart. She is more worried than ever now which I had no intention. She said and I know that I have to get out but it isn't easy or potentially impossible with the animals and I am also afraid of how he will react when I really go (I have been saying it for so long and he just ignores me). I feel so broken and alone and afraid. I have no idea if I can do this or even what to do. I can't just run back home to Germany where I have no job or anything. I really know what to do and even if I did if I could do it.
Apologies for having gone on a bit. I'm not even sure I'm coherent. My son is back from a week at PGL tomorrow and I really need to get a grip. For him.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Yes you can do this. Go - do whatever you can to get out.

RAS

Welcome

have put in a few para breaks to make it easier to read.

LastChanceSaloon wrote: »

Please bear with me as I am not sure quite where to start. I am almost 40, married to a 54 year old man and we have an almost 10 year old son, 2 dogs and 2 cats. We are one of the original internet romances and fell in love when I was 23. I am German and came over here to study and build a life with him. I was very young for my age at the time and extremely insecure. He was fun loving and careless. We got a cat, another cat, bought a house, got a dog, had a baby and got another dog. My husband worked full-time as an electronic engineer earning a good salary. I worked part -time for a tour operator after our son had been born to fit around childminder and now school.

My husband and my relationship deteriorated years ago. He is one of the most kindest and caring man yet he has a nasty temper. He is also very carefree and has an attitude as if the world owes him something. He has a well paid job and will either work from home or visit clients. He will and has always done the absolute minimum no matter if at home or work with one exception. He is a fantastic dad 90% of the time who will go above and beyond in doing anything for our son. I know this has partially to do with the fact that his dad was always "at work" and never there for him. Unfortunately he is also extremely hard on our son and can be very unpredictably and scary. If he raises his voice our son gets so frightened at times he physically starts shaking.

Our relationship deteriorated years ago. I can't deal with his temper and over the years he has slapped me 3 times. The last time was about 2 years ago when I moved out of the bedroom and have been since sleeping in my son's bunk bed. My son meanwhile shares the bed with my husband. We have a 3 bedroom house but my husbands office is a junk room where he keeps bits for his hobby which he also stores in the playroom and kitchen (The kitchen table is his work shop). I have tried for years to change that but he is full of excuses. If, like my friends suggested, I'd set him an ultimatum and bin the stuff he would flip and probably just bu it again since he has absolutely no concept of money (nor does he care). His attitude is that he earns a certain amount and therefore he should be able to have a certain car, holiday, etc

My son is almost 10 and one of the most sensitive, insecure and most loving children one would ever meet with a hint of an explosive temper which can be frightening at times.
I have told my husband years ago that I am only still here because I don't know how to leave. I am close to my family but they live in Germany and I have kept it all in because I don't want them to worry. I suppose I have never been completely honest because I feel ashamed somehow that I can't make it work.

Recently things have come to a head. It all started well, when a friend offered me a much better paying job as an PA based on my language skills although I don't have "PA skills". It's a great opportunity and the additional money would mean we could pay off our debts and take some stress out of our life (I should say my stress since DH doesn't worry about money).

At roughly the same time he went through a PIP and several disciplinaries after customer complaints about his behavior. When they last invited him to a meeting he went to the doctors and had himself signed off for depression (he's been on a low dose of medication for a few years after I said I can't deal with his behavior). A few weeks ago they sacked him. He has spent about £2k on 2 solicitors helping him to write an appeal letter. I had suggested he sees the CAB but he said they wouldn't have anyone specialized enough (did I mention he is lazy?). His appeal was heard 2 weeks ago and we have been waiting since. He has been at home 24/7 for about 4 months now.

When I originally panicked about him losing his job he reassured me he would look for a job and while he is at home the house would be tidy. I have no idea what he has been doing apart from taking our son to his activities and asking me what's for dinner when I get home. I do all the shopping, paper work and I spent all weekend cleaning and tidying. He sits on his pc all day doing whatever he does. I tried to talk to him but he says he doesn't want to be a "wage slave" for the last 15 years of his working life and wants to find something that fulfills him.

When he thought he was sacked he cashed in all of his shares and we used the majority to pay for cc debts. He asked me about 3 months ago if it was ok to purchase a 3D printer. I said it might not the the ideal time since we have no idea about our (financial future). He said "you're probably right" (I'm always the boring one). Last week I found an order confirmation. He'd spent £1500 on a 3D printer which seems part of his dream to fulfill himself.

My job, on the other hand is going well and would finally allow me to take my son and leave while he is getting on with his insanities. We haven't been in love for a long time but our life evolves around our son who is suffering from my husbands mood swings (he's seeing a therapist but we have done this before and as soon as the therapist asked him to do things he didnt want to do, i.e. lose weight, take physical exercise, etc he lost interest quickly).

am usually very good at putting up a happy front but when my mum was here last week I lost it and fell apart. She is more worried than ever now which I had no intention. She said and I know that I have to get out but it isn't easy or potentially impossible with the animals and I am also afraid of how he will react when I really go (I have been saying it for so long and he just ignores me). I feel so broken and alone and afraid. I have no idea if I can do this or even what to do. I can't just run back home to Germany where I have no job or anything. I really know what to do and even if I did if I could do it.
Apologies for having gone on a bit. I'm not even sure I'm coherent. My son is back from a week at PGL tomorrow and I really need to get a grip. For him.

With respect to the pets, please contact the Cinnamon Trust; they arrange temporary foster homes for pets who are at risk when families break up. They do this because thhey recognise that a lot of bullies threatend pets to keep control of partners and children.

Do you want to stay in the UK, keep your job and re-house your son and yourself?

Or to return to Germany, with the risk of no job?

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? And do you know how to clear your interet history before you log off?

dancingfairy

Awww. Hugs. Things will get better. First off you deserve better than this for you and for your son (which you know already).
Firstly the problem to do with you staying in the country. I would hope given that you have lived here for well over 10 years and have a child that you would be allowed to stay in the country but not too sure where you would stand in being able to claim benefits or not.
There are several places that will be able to give you information and support in real life. I would try contacting Womens Aid - they are used to deal with women that are scared to leave their partner and facing the threat of violence. Another place that should be able to help regarding benefits etc is your local Citizens Advice Beaureau.
Given what you have said I have no doubt that you can build a new life for you and your son. It will no doubt take a while for you to get you head around things and sort things out but you will get there.
Best of Luck
df

RAS

dancingfairy wrote: »

Firstly the problem to do with you staying in the country. I would hope given that you have lived here for well over 10 years and have a child that you would be allowed to stay in the country but not too sure where you would stand in being able to claim benefits or not.

The OP is an EU citizen and has been resident for a long-time and is working. So she would pass the Habitual residence test and be eligible for the same benefits as everyone else. www.turn2us.org.uk would explain the situation.

OP, is the house rented or mortgaged/purchased?

Who is on the tenancy/deeds?

Pixiechic

If you stay in the UK you could keep your job, your pets and your own home.

Or do you want to go back to Germany?

Whatever you do, you need to leave him, if not for your sake but your sons. As RAS suggested, contact Womens Aid.

Can I ask why your son sleeps in the bed with his Dad when he could sleep in the other bunk with you? Given that you say:

'Unfortunately he is also extremely hard on our son and can be very unpredictably and scary. If he raises his voice our son gets so frightened at times he physically starts shaking.'

LastChanceSaloon_2

Thanks for your replies. It took me most of the day to write this and I just keep bursting into tears. Argh!
I have been to the CAB this morning and they made an appointment for me to see a family solicitor. The earliest appointment is Wednesday after next.
The house is mortgage owned. The mortgage is about £160k and the house should be worth just over £300k but there are debts in the region of about £40k (credit cards. About £3k in my name and the rest in his).
I love the animals and my mum had offered to have them all which is a big deal cos they don't have animals. I have friends who know the dogs and I know they would have a great life with them. I hate having to give them up but I have been looking for rental accommodation here but the pets are a major downfall. Especially the dogs.
Don't get me wrong. My husband has been really nasty to me saying things like "I had an easy ride in an easy part-time job and now that things are getting difficult I want to leave, etc". I swear I never had an easy ride and everyone who knows me will confirm that and yet it hits me right in the stomach. Nevertheless he is a great dad more often than not. He lives for our son and nothing is too much and my son generally adores him.
There is only one bunk since it has a desk underneath.
I just feel so pathetic cos this fear is paralising me.

RAS

Do you want to continue living in the UK, or to move back to Germany?

LastChanceSaloon_2

Pixiechic wrote: »

If you stay in the UK you could keep your job, your pets and your own home.

Or do you want to go back to Germany?

Whatever you do, you need to leave him, if not for your sake but your sons. As RAS suggested, contact Womens Aid.

Can I ask why your son sleeps in the bed with his Dad when he could sleep in the other bunk with you? Given that you say:

'Unfortunately he is also extremely hard on our son and can be very unpredictably and scary. If he raises his voice our son gets so frightened at times he physically starts shaking.'

He is desperate for our son to do better than he did. He dropped out of school early, didn't have much parental support or encouragement (although his dad has a PhD and was a local councillor) but went back in his late twenties and did a degree.

RAS

OK

Very quickly. It is not OK for your husband to live his life by proxy through your son. It is extremely unfair.

The child is allowed to fail everything and achieve nothing and still be loved.

marisco_2

LastChanceSaloon wrote: »

He is a fantastic dad 90% of the time who will go above and beyond in doing anything for our son.

I beg to differ that your husband is a good dad to your son. Being a good parent isn't about giving 90% effort, more it requires being selfless and dedicating your all to a child 24/7. That is not to say people wont make mistakes along the way, no one is perfect or gets it right all the time. Most people have a natural desire to do the very best they can by their children though. Conducting themselves in a way that enables this young life they are responsible for to feel loved, valued and secure.

If your sons welfare and wellbeing were at the forefront of your husbands mind then he wouldn't; be extremely hard on him behaving in an unpredictable and intimidating manner, reduce your son to being so frightened by his raised voice that he physically shakes, slap his mother, have him sharing his bed when he could have his own bedroom if your husband would just clear the study, be irresponsible with money nor carry on in the ways he does.

All the while you stay in this destructive relationship your impressionable young son will be learning what he lives. More and more he will see your existence as the norm in relationships. It is what he will settle for himself in years to come. If that thought isn't enough to make you consider whether you should make positive changes to your life, then I don't know what is. If you stay in this relationship yourself and your son will get dragged further and further down.