Alone at a Difficult Time

SlimmingSusan

Am copying a post I made on the deaths board on the advice of a very supportive and helpful poster, who suggested I come here for appropriate advice. There is a whole thread on that board, but this is the copied post-

There is something I need to ask, but probably belongs on the benefits board, am not ok, so hope the questions will be directed in the right direction.

I was on carers allowance till dad went into the nursing home where he died. I duly informed as requested. I then went onto Esa with depresson and anxiety- genuine. I saw dad going downhill, could not cope with mum. After dad died thought was having a heart attack at 6.30 in morning. Turned out to be a panic attack. Ambulance has been round here 4 times over last month as had suicidal tendencies. No excuse, just the truth. I have my ESA medical on Tuesday. Letter arrived on day of funeral.

Mum is on AA, having eye operation on 13th June, then her second knee replacement on 20th (last one was 18 years ago).

I pushed my mother in her wheelchair behind my dad in church, Mother is difficult- it is obvious that she could not have been caring like she thinks she was. I'm in counselling for that, am under mental health services. What do I do re ESA medical, descriptors printed off but I am a coper, always have been as the only child.

GP has said she willl support me to end of the earth.

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

Am copying a post I made on the deaths board on the advice of a very supportive and helpful poster, who suggested I come here for appropriate advice. There is a whole thread on that board, but this is the copied post-

This - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4617747 - is Susan's other post.

Her posts remind of Rose's battle to gain her independence from a demanding mother.

podperson

*hugs* sounds like you are having a horrible time at the moment, so sorry to hear about your dad x

Regarding the ESA medical do you mean should you attend or not? I think it would probably be a good idea, if your GP is being so supportive could she possibly provide a letter or something for you to take with you? I know what you mean about being a coper, I'm the exact same way, but there's nothing wrong with needing a bit of help and support yourself sometimes so please don't feel bad in any way about that.

Does your mum have her own carers in, or would she agree to get some? It sounds like you're doing a lot for her at the moment and you don't want to get to the point where you reach your limit and make yourself ill as well. I hope the counselling helps a little, hang in there x

Florence22

I am so sorry for your loss Susan, it's so hard to lose a much-loved parent, your Dad would be proud of you as others have said on your other thread.
You won't be thinking at all clearly for a long time yet and need to be kind to yourself if you can - not easy with a difficult mother I daresay. You have a lot on your plate and are probably finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other just yet.

I have no experience personally of ESA so would suggest that you also post on the Benefits Board - so sorry I cannot be more helful with that.

I would just say that I am a carer for my Mum - full-time, live in her house with her, and would not be able to do it were it not for the fact that she is a lovely lady, (she has her moments but don't we all!!), who never complains despite the pain she's in and the fact that she misses my Dad so much.
Your mother is different and it sounds as though your life would be hell, it's possible that caring full time for her would drive you over the edge completely and that is a waste of your life and chance of happiness to which you are fully entitled.

In your position I think I would have to step away. The thought of dealing with the DWP is scary but it would perhaps give you a chance to have some time to mourn your Dad properly and rebuild your life without your mother's attitude chipping away at you.

You DON'T have to care for her, if you want to you can run away and meditate on that mountain - you just need to plan the path to it and to do that you need time to yourself, not looking after someone who will further reduce your self esteem and subject you to emotional abuse. No need to suffer any guilt, especially as she's able to pay for care.

You have your GP's support, perhaps you would find talking to the Samaritans helpful too, I know some on this board have done.
Please take time for yourself and take each day as it comes... good day, bad day - i promise you that the good ones will become more frequent.

I so wish I could offer more practical help but I really wish you well and hope you can find your path through this difficult and sad time.

Mojisola

Are there any local support groups you could join - it can be very helpful to share the load with people who really understand what you're feeling.

Be aware that there are some groups full of people who only want to wallow in misery and will drag you down - be prepared to walk away if a group doesn't feel right for you.

SlimmingSusan

podperson wrote: »

*hugs* sounds like you are having a horrible time at the moment, so sorry to hear about your dad x

Regarding the ESA medical do you mean should you attend or not? I think it would probably be a good idea, if your GP is being so supportive could she possibly provide a letter or something for you to take with you? I know what you mean about being a coper, I'm the exact same way, but there's nothing wrong with needing a bit of help and support yourself sometimes so please don't feel bad in any way about that.

Does your mum have her own carers in, or would she agree to get some? It sounds like you're doing a lot for her at the moment and you don't want to get to the point where you reach your limit and make yourself ill as well. I hope the counselling helps a little, hang in there x

Mum would never agree to carers, not in a million years. When Dad had his stroke, I was doing all the lifting and personal care. He had a stroke, was in hospital 5 months, she insisted on going every single day to two visiting times, and me taking her. I think I had a breakdown at this point.

Dad got instant (vascular) dementia as a result of the stroke, and lost all the use of his left side. When he was discharged from hospital, nhs provided carers, and she threw them out the house, the hoist was pushed out the door, and she made me do it all, though she still denies any of it.

The amount of times I've been in touch with social services, who could not get away from my mother quick enough!!

SlimmingSusan

Mojisola wrote: »

Are there any local support groups you could join - it can be very helpful to share the load with people who really understand what you're feeling.

Be aware that there are some groups full of people who only want to wallow in misery and will drag you down - be prepared to walk away if a group doesn't feel right for you.

That's exactly the kind of thing I'm after. Have been referred by mh services to 'inclusion' as just want a life. I think distraction will bode me well at this time. My mother is a person who talks about and moans about people behind their backs all the time, yet my dad didn't have a bad word to say about anyone, this was said at his funeral(by my ex husband who paid the family tribute).

I don't want to be around negativity anymore, it has pulled me down too much.

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

Mum would never agree to carers, not in a million years. When Dad had his stroke, I was doing all the lifting and personal care. He had a stroke, was in hospital 5 months, she insisted on going every single day to two visiting times, and me taking her. I think I had a breakdown at this point.

You are not the first to think this! What would happen if you were to be taken into hospital this afternoon? She'd either manage on her own or accept carers.

I can't find Rose's thread - she went through what you're dealing with and has managed to start withdrawing from being at her Mum's beck and call 24/7.

Social services will withdraw if they see there's a relative available to do the caring. You have reached the stage where you cannot carry on without becoming ill. Persevere with the ESA claim - it will be detrimental to go down the CA route.

RAS

Susan

This https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175 is fairly heavy going but I suspect that you will find it useful; you may get more understanding of what your mother is up to?

SlimmingSusan

No, what she does M, is ignore me and start ringing my son and daughter, who have lives of their own. It's not fair.

Even Social Services said the same thing, but it just doesn't work with her. I need to protect my children and let them lead their lives. I don't want them feeling a duty like I have. The word 'duty' has been used so many times when she has shouted at me.

I have done what I've done out of love not duty.

SlimmingSusan

RAS wrote: »

Susan

This https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175 is fairly heavy going but I suspect that you will find it useful; you may get more understanding of what your mother is up to?

Thanks for this RAS, here goes, will have a read.