Alone at a Difficult Time

SlimmingSusan

RAS wrote: »

In which case why are you covering up for her? If she rings them, suggest they sort it out?

That then in turn makes me feel useless, they turn it around on me.

I'm a good mum, I have my children's best interest at heart. This is why I get suicidal thoughts, I'm on the trash heap, my ex husband and mum would love me not being here.

They would have what they want, with the provider out the way

SlimmingSusan

How did you learn to let go RAS?

That's what I need to do

podperson

I know it must be so hard but I really think you need to try and take a step back from your mother. If she calls your children instead then let her. If they come to you asking questions then simply say you're struggling to cope at the moment and if they want to help instead then they're welcome to. Tbh it might be the best thing as if they have to deal with her in more depth then they may come to a much greater appreciatation of what you've been having to put up with!

You might feel like you're being selfish, or useless or whatever but you deserve a life as well and I can't help feeling that if you start getting dragged into caring for your mum full time at this stage then you're going to struggle to get out

vanessav

I really feel for you Susan. Remember, your children won't feel threatened by your mother the way you do (she probably frightened you from a very young age). You do not need to protect them from her, although it is completely understandable that you want to. If she keeps contacting them, they will probably find it a nuisance more than anything else. But you do need to protect yourself more.
You could always tell your mother that you are ill (which is true) and say that your GP has instructed you not to undertake any activities for a while. She may well say that there is nothing wrong with you and criticise you. So what? She does that anyway! You can warn your children and explain that their grandmother needs proper help which she will only accept if you all step back.
And please keep your plans to study more - once you are feeling stronger.
I am sorry I don't know much about ESA. I do know people with mental health issues who have had problems getting help. GPs do offer to present the diagnosis in more 'physical' terms to help their patients get over the line.

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

That then in turn makes me feel useless, they turn it around on me.

They've learned that from your mother!

No wonder you're struggling to cope.

Keep on eye on the future - once you get out from under all this nasty manipulation you'll be amazed at the future that lies ahead of you and what you're capable of doing.

tayforth

Have you considered contacting the Samaritans? They were incredibly helpful to me recently when I needed some support. You can phone, email or go to them in person xx

RAS

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

How did you learn to let go RAS?

That's what I need to do

Susan

I did not try to actively let go.

I did have a lot of psychological help (the day sib and I realised what was happening was the day we admitted to each other that we had both been to see people for help coping with her and both been told that her behaviour was "not normal maternal behaviour").

We had the big advantage over you that when one of us reached the end of the road we could ring the other and agree some space whilst the other took the brunt for a while. That was before we learned to let go.

7_week_wonder

Hi Susan,

I'm so sorry about your dad and the horrible time you're having right now. I haven't got any advice about the benefits side of things, but having read through both threads - I would say, if you think you can, stick with your plan of going to University in September. I started University the year I turned 40 - and my dad died mid-way through my final year. I did seriously contemplate giving up when he was admitted to hospital, but he was determined I should finish. And I have to confess writing up my project was a welcome distraction to all the grief I was feeling. From what you've said - it may well be a great way to assert your independence from your mother and to start a new phase in your life where you get to decide what you want to do.

Take care.

SlimmingSusan

podperson wrote: »

I know it must be so hard but I really think you need to try and take a step back from your mother. If she calls your children instead then let her. If they come to you asking questions then simply say you're struggling to cope at the moment and if they want to help instead then they're welcome to. Tbh it might be the best thing as if they have to deal with her in more depth then they may come to a much greater appreciatation of what you've been having to put up with!

You might feel like you're being selfish, or useless or whatever but you deserve a life as well and I can't help feeling that if you start getting dragged into caring for your mum full time at this stage then you're going to struggle to get out

Am executor of dad's will. My children have expectations of me that am not fulfilling.

They have no understanding that mum may not be coping.

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

My children have expectations of me that am not fulfilling.

Your "children" are adults, aren't they? You aren't responsible for their happiness any more than you are responsible for your mother. At the moment, the most important person in your world should be you.

You need to start doing what is necessary for your well-being.