Affair, can't forget

waccoe_2

Oh June, that is so sweet that you have been thinking of me.
I am really sad to say that things have gone from bad to worse.
I stopped seeing the counseller as I was hoping she would identify a fault in me that I could work on so as to improve the relationship but it never happened. The sessions just confirmed what I already thought, and that was my wife had a lot of issues with life and took them out on me. Not to say I am perfect but I acknowledge my shortcomings, she doesn't, and it is usually my fault!
We have both been trying really hard but I think deep down we don't really like each other anymore.
We had a massive argument 4 days ago, I left the house with the intention of moving out. I spent the day looking for somewhere to live. I found this so depressing that my life had come to this.
We eventually spoke, she said she didn't want to be left alone and I said I didn't want to leave and be alone. I know this sounds very shallow but I know lots of men who have left, set up in a bachelor pad, they don't appear very happy to me. I am a proper old fashioned family man, I was born to be a Dad, I don't want a single life. We have agreed to stay together, it is not ideal but it still feels better than the alternative.
I am sorry that I have nothing more positive to report back on, but so is life, onward and upward.

kelpie35

waccoe wrote: »

Oh June, that is so sweet that you have been thinking of me.
I am really sad to say that things have gone from bad to worse.
I stopped seeing the counseller as I was hoping she would identify a fault in me that I could work on so as to improve the relationship but it never happened. The sessions just confirmed what I already thought, and that was my wife had a lot of issues with life and took them out on me. Not to say I am perfect but I acknowledge my shortcomings, she doesn't, and it is usually my fault!
We have both been trying really hard but I think deep down we don't really like each other anymore.
We had a massive argument 4 days ago, I left the house with the intention of moving out. I spent the day looking for somewhere to live. I found this so depressing that my life had come to this.
We eventually spoke, she said she didn't want to be left alone and I said I didn't want to leave and be alone. I know this sounds very shallow but I know lots of men who have left, set up in a bachelor pad, they don't appear very happy to me. I am a proper old fashioned family man, I was born to be a Dad, I don't want a single life. We have agreed to stay together, it is not ideal but it still feels better than the alternative.
I am sorry that I have nothing more positive to report back on, but so is life, onward and upward.

Oh Waccoe I am so sorry to hear your news :sad:

I do understand where you are coming from and there are many people who would not be happy whatsoever living on their own.

You have to do what you feel is right for yourself.

You sound like such a caring person and you deserve to have happiness wherever that may be.

Please take care of yourself :A:A

Alikay

waccoe wrote: »

I am sorry that I have nothing more positive to report back on, but so is life, onward and upward.

I think your acceptance of the situation IS pretty positive - you've tried to make changes but that's not been possible without your wife's cooperation. You're happy with your family life and OK with the domestic set-up and have decided it is preferable to the alternative. Maybe the fact that you've talked and thought it through will help you to deal with your wife's behaviour.

seven-day-weekend

I think if both of you have acknowledged that you have no wish to be alone, then there is still room to make the marriage work.

Ask your wife if she would treat any of her other friends the way she treats you. If she says no, then if you are going to be living together as friends, then she needs to afford you the same respect that she does to her other friends.

June_Cambridge

I am so sorry to hear that despite your best efforts things are no better between you and your wife. I do understand what you mean about living alone though, I found it difficult, especially the first year. It's such a pity that your wife wouldn't consider counselling, then perhaps you could have started to like each other and become friends again. It must be awful waiting for the next big argument or fall out. How do you feel now about her affair now? Have you managed to come to terms with it? Does she still compare you with him? You seem such a kind considerate man and deserve so much better. I'm sure there are lots of women out there that would be very happy to be with you and life's too short to live under a cloud for very long. I still hope that your actions over the last few months might kick start a reaction from your wife and that you both manage to find peace and contentment. Hope you keep posting, if only to let off steam, take care and good luck for now

marisco_2

I am so sad to hear your update Waccoe. I was hoping that the reason we hadn't heard much from you on here recently, was because things had greatly improved and life was going really well for both yourself and your wife now.

Forgive me for saying this if you consider it to be out of turn, but I cant help but feel that you are bravely trying to forgive, ignore and overlook, hoping things will improve, while trying to stave off the effects of your wife's hostility and treatment of you, despite having feelings of disconnection and despair. With the best will in the world it is incredibly difficult to do this on a long term basis. I wish you all the very best though.

waccoe_2

All your comments are spot on. Just to answer a couple.
June Cambridge "How do you feel now about her affair now? Have you managed to come to terms with it? Does she still compare you with him?"
I will never get over the fact she had an affair, I try to forget but I just can't forgive. Yes, I think she does compare me with him. If you look back at one of my previous postings, when I wrote that her cousin (her best friend) told her "****(me) will never be ****(him)". This kills me every time I think about that statement.
In reply to you , marisco, "Forgive me for saying this if you consider it to be out of turn, but I cant help but feel that you are bravely trying to forgive, ignore and overlook, hoping things will improve, while trying to stave off the effects of your wife's hostility and treatment of you,"
Yes to all this but I am 56 years old, never looked at another woman and have no interest in doing so. We have 5 children together, 2 live in their own houses totally independant but we like to help them out, next one still lives at home, good lad, no trouble, low wage, help him as well, next 2 at uni who need a lot of helping out. As our family is the most important thing in me and my wife's lives we would never do anything to upset the very comfortable position we have found ourselves in.
I know our children should be standing on their own feet but it gives us great joy and my wife came from a very tough up bringing up so we want our children to have everything she didn't.
I am starting to ramble now, so will stop now, lol.

poet123

Waccoe, this may seem strange coming from someone with counselling training but imo all the counsellors/counselling in the world cannot replicate good old fashioned face to face communication or even confrontation.

You have a window of opportunity here. You both reached the edge of the abyss and both pulled back, neither of you want to live alone or split up your family unit. So, you have a real opportunity to move it forward but only if you use the knowledge that both of you see your future together. You can either have that future as a dignified truce where you go through the motions and are a couple in name only or you can try to resurrect what you clearly once had together. If you want the latter it starts here.

Sit down, across a table, doing that focuses the mind, shows it is important and that there are issues which need resolution. Then you open up and tell her what you have told us in this thread; of your hurt, your inability to get past the comparisons, you ask why and you listen. You tell her that this is a non negotiable exercise if you are to live together in the future, if you are to parent your kids as a united team. You are 56, life should not end here. It is laudable to want to preserve family life but you are due more, you should expect more. I think that you have both seen the future without each other in it and neither liked the view, so build on that, get all the issues out in the open and put them to bed once and for all. And then you will have to find the strength to leave the past behind and stop dwelling on what is done.

Your wife is not responsible for the statement which haunts you, she may not even agree with it, but you dwell on it every day, and attribute it to her. Let it go. Blame the cousin, dismiss it as irrelevant, do whatever you have to do to get past it. The alternative is a possible 30 years of misery/disaffection together, or that solo bedsit........or, a new life, new women and a different family dynamic. Your choice.

Good luck, and be kind to yourself.

justme111

The best you can give your children is not money but living a happy life yourself.

justme111

Ps. I wonder what your opinion would be of one of your kids was in a similar situation.