Stuck in limbo - trying to seperate

marisco_2

Over the last 6 months you have been feeling increasingly down about there being little to no interaction, support, affection, intimacy or fun in your relationship. To the point where you feel that you and your partner have both drifted apart to the stage where you are like strangers. Why did you not communicate all that you were feeling to him, so as it would have given you both a chance to sort things out and get back on track?

His reaction to you saying you didn't love him any more and wanted to split, suggests he hadn't recognised how bad things had become between you both. When you broke that news to him he asked you if there was anything he could do, or if you could try again to make things work, but you told him no. This would suggest to me that he wanted to put some effort in to keeping his family together. It must have been truly devestating for him to realise, that you were not prepared to meet him half way and try to work through your problems and issues.

I think your OH is in a severe state of shock and possibly denial about you wanting to end your relationship at the moment. Most people would be after being with someone for 18 years. He has only had 3 weeks to get his head around the fact that things are over between you. He could also be in a state of panic about how to manage financially and what effect all of this will have on the children. He may not be able to think straight right now and make decisions.

I think you need to sit down with him again and have a frank and open discussion, about where things are at and decide between you what will happen next. Please be prepared to do as much listening as talking. Until you do this I dont think he is going to face up to it all. The more calmly and amicably you can move forward from this point the better for both your sakes and that of your children.

justme111

I am a woman who left my ex because I have not loved or respected him anymore. Similar situation to yours with a difference that me and ex were far closer than you with yours and mine was a bit nastier with negative comments etc. Difference was that I had a good earning potential and knew I will be ok moneywise as long as I have health. It has taken me years to emotionally separate from mine. He was very hard hit by it but he bounced back and I thank gods I chosen a long ago such a resilient man .At the moment you feel your life is in limbo because you neither with nor without him. You do not see that this is just a detail of your life that does not have to define it. Imagine you do not have a h7band and he is a landlord who pays your rent ! You can then build your life according to it .

Joons

purplestarlet wrote: »

Few points worth mentioning....
We are not married.
He is still here, I am not insisting he leaves.
This is not about me leaving to chase a new life.
I do not for one second put my own entertainment over my children's happiness or welfare. Pinkshoes, you are entitled to your opinion, but you don't know me, nor my history nor his. You should not judge so harshly by a few posts in a forum. Your opinion is more a reflection on you than me.

I didn't ask him to leave nor am I insisting him does. We both sat there, wondered what happens next. He said he would sort something out, a trial separation, then he came back saying he couldnt afford to move out. I haven't pushed him out nor am I making it hard on him being here.
I do not expect to keep the house, neither have i ever said I should.
I can't afford it, it has never been an option. He could afford to buy me out though only just.
Me staying here with the kids was purely a suggestion to mean less upheaval for the kids. A time for them to adjust. Not a means to get him out the house.

I really didn't think you'd post again after the character assasinations haha. Of course it would make sense that you and the children stayed in the home, he will know this himself anyway, you both have a duty to ensure the separation is as painless as possible on them but you know this already, you're not being selfish, your posts are all about how worried you are about your kids, I really hope things go as smoothly for you all as is possible.

dancingfairy

Presuably nothing has to happen immeadiately?
Why not have a look online and see what benefits you'd get if you moved out into rented and see what local rentals are like?
Another option is to think about doing more hours or maybe going full time - how much would childcare cost, what sort of breakfast, after school clubs are there?
Can you sell your house?
Can one of you buy the other out?
Clearly there are many different options. You need to sit down and talk with your husband about the best way to go forward for all of you.
It might be worth considering counselling as well though, to give it one last effort.
Best of Luck
df

Red_Elle

The OP sounds to me like she's been trying loads over the years to get them to bond more. To those people criticising and saying she's done nothing and it's her fault that the OH didn't know how bad it was, have you not read this? Just how long should she have carried on trying to 'bond' and improve things? Was 10 years not enough? Should she try for 20? 30?

So he goes out and works to support the family! So what? So do millions of people. That in itself does not MAKE a marriage. You need love and respect as well. Besides, she's supporting the family just as much by looking after the kids!!! Just because his support is financial does that make it more important? Talk about antiquated opinions. So he provides the money and can therefore sit back and provide nothing else?

Cannot believe anyone would tell her she should be grateful that she's not abused. Financial support does not equal emotional support and a kind partner. He sounds like a lazy partner to me who is emotionally shut down. That is probably why he didn't know things were as bad as they are. He's a grown man. It's as much his responsibility to ensure that they are happy together as hers.

Everyone deserves to be happy. You only have one life. It won't be nice for the kids having Parents who separate, but I can't imagine it's nice having an emotionally stunted Dad either who appears to not show their Mum much affection.

I suspect he did know that things were not great, but buried his head in the sand and thought she'd never leave him, so didn't try hard enough. She's given him plenty of opportunity to do so and it takes two people to make a marriage work not one.

Joons

Red_Elle wrote: »

The OP sounds to me like she's been trying loads over the years to get them to bond more. To those people criticising and saying she's done nothing and it's her fault that the OH didn't know how bad it was, have you not read this? Just how long should she have carried on trying to 'bond' and improve things? Was 10 years not enough? Should she try for 20? 30?

So he goes out and works to support the family! So what? So do millions of people. That in itself does not MAKE a marriage. You need love and respect as well. Besides, she's supporting the family just as much by looking after the kids!!! Just because his support is financial does that make it more important? Talk about antiquated opinions. So he provides the money and can therefore sit back and provide nothing else?

Cannot believe anyone would tell her she should be grateful that she's not abused. Financial support does not equal emotional support and a kind partner. He sounds like a lazy partner to me who is emotionally shut down. That is probably why he didn't know things were as bad as they are. He's a grown man. It's as much his responsibility to ensure that they are happy together as hers.

Everyone deserves to be happy. You only have one life. It won't be nice for the kids having Parents who separate, but I can't imagine it's nice having an emotionally stunted Dad either who appears to not show their Mum much affection.

I suspect he did know that things were not great, but buried his head in the sand and thought she'd never leave him, so didn't try hard enough. She's given him plenty of opportunity to do so and it takes two people to make a marriage work not one.

Well said, I sometimes wonder if posters on here are from another century. You summed it up perfectly, I hope the OP reads this cos I'm pretty sure you're spot on.

margaretclare

It sounds to me that there has been little communication over the years. It does make me wonder what kind of role models he had while growing up, what kind of parents, what they did? Because there are people who live like this man does and think it's quite normal. The justification goes: 'I go to work every day, work to pay the bills and put food on the table, I'm tired when I come home, all I want to do is to sit down and watch TV all evening, go to bed, repeat the process next day.' I think there are many people, especially in earlier generations, who thought this was quite normal! Some men do not expect to have a conversation with 'er indoors (am avoiding referring to the married/not married state).

I'm reminded of my late daughter who tackled her husband a year or two into their marriage. She told him 'You treat this house like a hotel - go to work, come home, sit and watch TV all evening, I might as well not be here'. She challenged him: 'Do you want a marriage, or just a hotel to stay in?' Difference with the OP, she didn't allow it to go on all those years, it was not what she'd grown up with and she wasn't having it. OP, I'm afraid you let this go on for too long and should have done something about it before. However, you say it came as a surprise to him so, maybe just maybe, it's not too late for him to change his ways? You have to state exactly what you want, what you expect. Be assertive, not aggressive.

HTH

pinkshoes

purplestarlet wrote: »

I do not for one second put my own entertainment over my children's happiness or welfare. Pinkshoes, you are entitled to your opinion, but you don't know me, nor my history nor his. You should not judge so harshly by a few posts in a forum. Your opinion is more a reflection on you than me.

Yes, it is reflection on me - I'm someone who is fully aware (working in schools) the damage divorce/separation does to kids, and strongly believe that when a marriage CAN be saved, it SHOULD.

In your case, given your partner didn't even know there was anything wrong, then it indicates to me that the two of you just need to COMMUNICATE, sort things out, and work out how you are going to fix it, not just run away from the problem.

By running away, you are putting yourself first rather than your children, when it sounds to me your relationship could be fixed with some hard work.

FBaby

It took almost 12 months for my ex to accept that our relationship was over and to finally move out. It was really difficult. I had tried to make it work, but he betrayed me with lies and secrecy to the point that I couldn't trust him any longer and I ran out of love for him. He however still felt strongly for me, we had two very young children. When I told him I wanted to separate, he went into denial mode. I understood that. I wasn't prepared to move out, so I had to be patient. I moved to the dining room making it my bedroom and we lived separate lives, to the point that he finally had to accept the inevitable.

At the beginning, I understood how he felt and that he needed time to come to terms with the end of our relationship, but as the months went by, I found it harder and harder. Still, it happened and the fact that he moved when he had himself accepted the situation made it a lot easier for both of us to remain on friendly terms for the children.

You can't be blamed for how you feel and wanting to move on, it's life, but you do owe him time to come to terms with the situation and if it means having to bear living under the same roof, then that's the sacrifice you will have to make.

saterkey

maybe try counselling, or agree for the moment to live as lodger/just friends maybe get separate beds same room or spare room if you have one. This does not disrupt the kids too much and the finance stays as it is for the moment. Start to find outside hobbies, friends, interests so that you are not relying on your husband so much to provide stimulation etc. Get your finances in order and say to each other we will try and save and in 6 months if we feel the same we will be in a better position we will know our options, housing, benefits situation etc. Maybe if you split up you might be more lonely than you are now and struggling a lot more. You have more freedom now than you would do single with kids. My friends split up and it took over a year for the house to sell and they lived together all that time with it being quite uncomfortable and they had a teenager in the middle. I have been with my partner for 24 years and yes we muddle along, sometimes I would like more (hes a devil for pc games, football, motor racing etc) but have to remember sometimes that hes been at work and only has a couple of hours off so to speak so wants to do something for himself. Its worth talking it out with him properly you just never know. good luck