Stuck in limbo - trying to seperate

19lottie82

peachyprice wrote: »

In which case, it makes no difference whether it's OP or him who moves out does it.

It does if it means the children stay in their home with a parent who can care for them, when they need it.
Just to make it clear I am trying to imagine what would be best for the kids, NOT the OP here.

peachyprice

19lottie82 wrote: »

It does if it means the children stay in their home with a parent who can care for them, when they need it.
Just to make it clear I am trying to imagine what would be best for the kids, NOT the OP here.

If the children were OP's priority she wouldn't be unilaterally ending the marriage without making any attempt to work things out.

She can't have it both ways, she has chosen to put herself before the whole family so she should be doing the honourable thing.

19lottie82

peachyprice wrote: »

If the children were OP's priority she wouldn't be unilaterally ending the marriage without making any attempt to work things out.

She can't have it both ways, she has chosen to put herself before the whole family so she should be doing the honourable thing.

I pointed out in my post that I don think she should encourage her OH to go to relationship counselling for one last shot at making their marriage work.

Also, I think the kids would be happier having 2 parents that are happy seperately, rather than miserable together. From the sounds of it, the OP and her husband are both miserable, not just her.

irishjohn

Her husband may well be in an awful job and putting up with it to fulfil his financial responsibilities as breadwinner. He may not, in the current circumstances, be the parent readily available to give childcare when needed. However, he may want to pack in his job, find part time work, and be available to give that care when needed, and therefore has just as much right to be allowed to carry on living with his children.

The OP did not suggest leaving without the children, she only suggested he should leave or she should take the children and leave. It is clear from this she has already envisaged writing him out of the family unit - she appears to have taken a very isolated stance to the breakdown of the relationship, almost allowing it to deteriorate to the point where she felt justified in calling it a day and giving him his marching orders.

19lottie82

irishjohn wrote: »

However, he may want to pack in his job, find part time work, and be available to give that care when needed, and therefore has just as much right to be allowed to carry on living with his children.

Fair enough, he should be offered this option, as a possiblilty, if they don't manage to save their marriage.

CH27

What have you done to try to save your marriage OP?

aileth

I have to say I agree with everyone above. He had no idea there was any problems, so when all of a sudden you bundled it on him, you talk about how upset he was and gobsmacked and was asking you what he can do to make things right and to work at it, and you simply told him no and then for him to move out?

Even if as you say it has been this way for a long time, well, it's been that way in -your- eyes for a long time but obviously not in his, so how can he fix what he doesn't see as broken in that time?

I feel really sorry for him, as if my OH suddenly sprang on me that he has been this unhappy for years, doesn't love and wants me to move out, I'd be heartbroken.

And surely if you're so concerned about the children, you'll do anything you can to save you marriage that -you- (not him) think is failing?

Edit: And he's probably carrying on like nothing has happened because he's still shellshocked!!!

purplestarlet

Thank you all for your input. I appreciate all comments.
Firstly I realise I am the wicked witch here. I am not out to get everything I can from him, I was 12 when my own parents divorced and my mother screwed my dad for money at every given chance. She bled him dry and used me. I do not intend to do that to my kids.
I have tried for years with OH. This is not a decision I made whilst washing up! after son was born I tried, we went out, I tried talking to him, family days out, holidays walks and trips etc etc all done with bonding in mind. But you get to a point where you can't try anymore. It is dead between us, there is no more. I was surprised he had no idea himself. I am as much to blame as he is for letting things slide, but that is not the main issue here. I am trying to be grown up about it all, I know he is hurting, I do not want to hurt him more or to have things turn nasty. It is sad not bad.
He did suggest me leaving and him keeping the house and kids, but I cant see it working on many levels. I was a stay at home mum, until son was 6. When I got a job I had a couple of issues with picking up after school, I asked OH if he could finish work early once or twice a week to pick up son and help out? you would have thought I asked him to cut off his leg. No support and no help. I had to sort it all out. Now he has suggested changing his work hours and working from home! Again I understand it is desperation on his part. He doesn't want to loose the kids, I am not trying to take them away from him either. But his work is office based, involves him going onto sites and visiting branches, it is not workable round school.
I have no idea about benefits, have read a little here and will look into it. But again, that is not the main issue. I have been trying to think of the kids first, how it will effect them. I figured it was better for them if they stayed in their home with me, with OH coming at weekends to see them and after work some days in the week. I don't want them to think he has abandoned them.
If I was to leave I think it would be more confusing for them. I have always been here. Before school after school, every day.
I understand where some of you coming from. But I am not callous, I am not trying to screw him over. If I could stay here just for the kids alone and plod on it would be easier all round. But I am not sure I can.
I work part time btw school hours. He is the breadwinner and I am the housemaker. We have no family either side to help. Full time work is out of the question for a few years while son is still young.
I feel sorry for him, I feel absolutely wicked to the core. I have dropped a bombshell and shattered his world. I wish I did still love him and things were fine. It would be easy then.

WestonDave

For what its worth, I'd suggest thinking carefully about what you think you are going to gain in pursuing this course of action, as opposed to "staying just for the kids".

On the face of it you appear to be about to swap limited companionship in evenings etc for none. Splitting up isn't going to give you an instant social life where you will start to meet new people and potentially a new partner - by definition you will be home with a need for a babysitter everytime you want to go out, so it maybe that finding some new interests whilst staying together is better than the lonely slog of a single parent.

You will certainly be short of money compared to now - with two homes to run, two lots of heating, bills etc all coming out of the existing income (plus a bit of benefits), what you have been used to in terms of spending will get tighter, your kids will have less spent on them, and in relation to improving your life experience, you will have less to spend on developing a social life.

You are going to have to swap a dull existence for a period of serious upheaval, kids playing up, and general real unhappiness. Have you mentally played out telling the kids "I can't stand living with your dad anymore so he has to go" (which is the unvarnished truth of it and what they will hear however nicely you dress it up). Suppose the 12 year old decides to feel sorry for Dad and go and live with him - she is probably old enough for any court to take her wishes into account.

I guess what I'm saying is before you push this too far and go beyond the point where counselling etc can potentially put things back together, stop and consider whether being lonely, broke and having the kids hating you for splitting up their family is really better than what you have now. The grass may look greener on the other side right now, but if you get there and find its a swamp, there may be no way back.

Wickedkitten

Not to mention

I work part time btw school hours. He is the breadwinner and I am the housemaker. We have no family either side to help. Full time work is out of the question for a few years while son is still young.

If he is having to run his own household, being able to put off work because of 9 year old son becomes a luxury.