Stuck in limbo - trying to seperate

purplestarlet

No family really. Only father who rarely see.
Told two friends, they have been great and helped me through the mad rambles in my mind over the last two months or so.

Joons

purplestarlet wrote: »

No family really. Only father who rarely see.
Told two friends, they have been great and helped me through the mad rambles in my mind over the last two months or so.

Good, you'll be needing them both to get through this, don't mean to write and run but I have to go, all the best x

irishjohn

purplestarlet wrote: »

No and I realise that is how they will see it...and probably many other people on here too. But we have been like this for 9-10 years now. Is that not giving things a chance?
I tried for years to make things work. But he has given me little or no support with the kids. Even Xmas and birthdays there is no real effort from him towards me. His lack of support and care for me has made me shut down.
It is not a light decison to make. I have been hanging on by a thread consumed with this for months. It is hard work telling everybody you are fine, life is great - when it isn't.

In those 9 - 10 years have you ever sat down and explained how you were feeling? Or asked him to make an effort to show he still cares? What is really sad is that the man you describe sounds like most men - especially the ones who feel excluded from the childcare - it sounds like your relationship worked best when there were just the two of you with all the time in the world to concentrate on each other, but started to fail when you started adding offspring - I would guess the presence of children changed the way you interacted with your husband too.

I have no doubt you will separate and go your separate ways and maybe both of you will find new partners where at first there will be passion but which will quickly change to just rubbing along together.

Relationships need constant working at to keep them current - but maybe its too easy today to give up and start again.

Gavin83

Can you afford to pay the mortgage + bills on your part time income along with 20% of his? You may have to look into working full time or alternatively sell the house.

He doesn't have to move out as it is as much his property as yours. You can apply to the courts to have him removed but this takes time and money. You may be better off giving him a few weeks to come to terms with it and find a place to stay rather than insisting he moves out ASAP. While it is your choice to end the marriage and your entitled to, I think you should give him enough time to find somewhere to live. If you've been in this situation for 9 years another few months won't hurt.

tayforth

OP - would you be willing to try marriage counselling? I do think that you would feel less guilty if you could say that you at least gave it a chance.

Also, why is FT working 'not an option' when your youngest is 9? Plenty of parents work FT.


Good luck to you both and your kids.

Treevo

purplestarlet wrote: »

No and I realise that is how they will see it...and probably many other people on here too. But we have been like this for 9-10 years now. Is that not giving things a chance?
I tried for years to make things work. But he has given me little or no support with the kids. Even Xmas and birthdays there is no real effort from him towards me. His lack of support and care for me has made me shut down.
It is not a light decison to make. I have been hanging on by a thread consumed with this for months. It is hard work telling everybody you are fine, life is great - when it isn't.

You claim he's given you no support - who was paying for everything? Who was funding you to stay at home through choice?

Just how do you expect to support yourself and your children when you've thrown the breadwinner out? You refuse to work part time, so benefits?

vanessav

There must be a lot of people who have been together for many years and thought at some point that the marriage was dead in the water. I know I have in the past, but it is amazing how relationships can come back to life. Bringing up children is hard! If your life has no joy in it, splitting up may seem like an answer but your husband sounds willing to bring more to the marriage. If he is willing to take more responsibility for the children, you will get some breathing space to think about what you want and how you can find more fulfilment without necessarily breaking up.

Springbean

I can't see how you are 'doing this for the kids'. You are the one who is unhappy.

After 18 years of marriage and two children, you have seem to be showing him very little respect.

You dropped the bomb shell and now you seem to be trying to find ways to stay in the house and not work much as full time is 'not an option' apparently. Basically, have all the trappings of him being there but without him there. No real care or consideration to his new circumstances that you have instigated as you seem to have no interest in trying to improve the marriage.

I feel sorry for him.

Joons

pinkshoes wrote: »

To me it reads as you are making a conscious decision to screw up your kids life just because you cannot be arsed to work at your marriage.

Pathetic!!

Your poor husband has been working hard all day, comes home, watches some TV, and has no idea there's nothing wrong with his marriage.

And here's you, who has been living in this fantasy world of "OMG, poor me, my marriage is so dull...", the poor guy didn't have a clue, yet you're not even willing to TRY and sort your marriage out.

Sorry, but you are PATHETIC!

Actually, I'm NOT sorry. You have a hard working husband who might not be the most exciting man in the world, but he works hard to provide a nice house for you and the kids, he doesn't hit you, give you verbal abuse... You could do FAR FAR worse.

And yet you're willing to f*ck up your kids lives just because your marriage is BORING and you can't be bothered to try.

There IS no making it easy on the kids. It WILL affect them, regardless of what you do.


If you want something else, then YOU should leave, and let the kids stay with their dad, who is clearly trying to do the best for them.

ps - your husband sounds just like my OH, and yes, it IS annoying that they have no interests and are content to watch TV all night, but it's up to YOU to sort your marriage out and MAKE it exciting.

If you do NOT give your marriage another try, then it is you, and YOU alone who is responsible for the damage the divorce will do to your kids.

My post may be harsh, but it is true.

You have made me feel angry reading this. I would always put my son over excitement in my life!

True to you, sounds like a complete load of tosh to me, no doubt we won't hear from the OP again.

He's such a great husband he hasn't lifted a finger to help her raise their kids the whole time, yeah, she should stick with him, he's better than most.

How can you be so angry over someone you don't know and have read very little about them - you need to go in a dark room and really lie down and try and chill the !!!! oot.

Brighton_belle

pinkshoes wrote: »

he doesn't hit you, give you verbal abuse... You could do FAR FAR worse.

Am I the only one to spit my coffee over my keyboard at this line? I don't think any woman should feel 'lucky' because her husband 'doesn't hit her or give her verbal abuse'.

OP, I think people are being a little harsh on you, failing to recognise you are worn down by lack of demonstrative interest or love. I don't think life sounds much fun for you and something definitely needs to change.
I do think, given he asked if there is anything he can do, it would be worth suggesting marriage counselling - sometimes the counselling can help you split up 'well'.
There is also the idea of building your own life and taking responsibility for finding your own fun, while having their father around in the evenings enabling you to go out and join things etc.
I do think you need to give your husband more time to adjust to the shock he's had - you've had 6 months to get used to the idea, he needs time and space to do the same.