Stuck in limbo - trying to seperate

justme111

Op, you either buy him out and pay.mortgage yourself (with whatever benefits , child support and wages you have) and so your husband moves out once you sorted it or you put house for sale and you both move out once it is sold. I do kot see why he has to move out and continue paying. Your words about no full time job are indeed out of touch with reality , plenty of parents fo work full time as money don't grow on trees. Children will be worse off because you will spend less time with them ?well , you can mot have your cake and eat it - family house , time with kids paid for by your ex. Unfortunately you can , if you bleed him dry ... I do not mean to be nasty , I for one agree with you about not living together just because he does not hit you but your words "full time work not an option" and your insistence for him to move out show me that you have all that common entitlement syndrome when someone else is meant to pay for your choices.

elisebutt65

Wow! All I can see when I read your posts is me me me. Your poor husband!!
You do realise hoe impoverished your household is about to become? All he has to pay is 20% - 1/7 for every night he has the kids. He might even choose to stop paying the mortgage, which means you'll be responsible for all of it. They don't care if he's a boring husband, they just want money.

He is even willing to turn his work life around and work from home, but no, all you can see is your blinkered view.

You won't be able to get much in benefits either, with a mortgage. They'll pay the interest on your half for a few months. Income support is no longer available to single mums if their kids are over 5.

I was on my own for a good few years with littlies and it really is no fun! Living from hand to mouth. Ex OH refusing to pay support. He managed to string that out for a good few years. What if yours turns nasty? What if he applies for residency and gets the court to get you out? The days if courts awarding custody automatically to mum are gone.

I really can't believe you won't even give the poor bloke at a chance through counselling.

paulineb_2

Well whatever you do, I hope you consider your husbands financial situation in all of this, because at the moment it seems like you'll be the one with the house and the kids and he cant afford to move anywhere else as you said in the first post

And if he cant, you shouldnt be insisting that he leaves, how would you like it if he was trying to put you out of your home and you couldnt afford somewhere else to live

I think you might feel a bit terrified at the prospect of being homeless.

purplestarlet

Few points worth mentioning....
We are not married.
He is still here, I am not insisting he leaves.
This is not about me leaving to chase a new life.
I do not for one second put my own entertainment over my children's happiness or welfare. Pinkshoes, you are entitled to your opinion, but you don't know me, nor my history nor his. You should not judge so harshly by a few posts in a forum. Your opinion is more a reflection on you than me.

I didn't ask him to leave nor am I insisting him does. We both sat there, wondered what happens next. He said he would sort something out, a trial separation, then he came back saying he couldnt afford to move out. I haven't pushed him out nor am I making it hard on him being here.
I do not expect to keep the house, neither have i ever said I should.
I can't afford it, it has never been an option. He could afford to buy me out though only just.
Me staying here with the kids was purely a suggestion to mean less upheaval for the kids. A time for them to adjust. Not a means to get him out the house.

Person_one

Are you definitely ruling out counselling?

Even if it doesn't help you stay together it can make the separation process easier on both of you and on the children. Relate do family as well as couples counselling.

purplestarlet

Will consider counselling. I didn't rule it out, other posters did that for me.
I do think things have gone on for too long, but will try if he wants to. At least can say we tried.

Person_one

purplestarlet wrote: »

Will consider counselling. I didn't rule it out, other posters did that for me.
I do think things have gone on for too long, but will try if he wants to. At least can say we tried.

I do think that with a relationship of this length and children involved, you owe it to all of you to do everything you can before giving up completely.

It may work, it may not, but it will almost definitely help one way or the other.

purplestarlet

Yes. 18 years is a long time. Will bring it up in next day or two.

justme111

well done about not saying no to counselling
just a thought - why not to redirect your energy into trying to get earning money that would allow you mortgage and buying him out? I presume his share will be less than 50% . You do not need to split tomorrow, give yourself and him time to adjust to a new reality. you may well live as housemates for another year while preparing the softest landing for both of you after you go separate ways. if you have to move the kids - well thats unavoidable then and not that big a deal, as long as mother and father seem calm kids will deal with whatever and moving house is a minor thing.

purplestarlet

Thank you Justme111, good positive suggestion.
I have never said I expect to live off him. Money is not my thing.
I will look into possibility of more hours. Indeed there is no rush, it just feels like stuck in limbo at the moment.