Stuck in limbo - trying to seperate

purplestarlet

Ok, some background first. Been with OH for 18 years. Two kids, daughter aged 12 and son aged 9. We have a house with mortgage.
The last few years OH and I have been drifting. We don't do anything together anymore, and in the last year things have been appalling, to the point of me dreading him coming home from work. We don't argue, but then again we don't laugh much either, he is content to watch tv all night every night. he doesn't go out, doesn't keep in touch with any friends or socialize with anyone, he just goes to work and comes home, eats his tea then watches tv. He isn't supportive, has never been really, he does what he wants and never puts kids first. Even if we do all go out as a family he and I have nothing to talk about, we sit in silence and just interact with the kids. We don't talk, we don't laugh, we aren't intimate or affectionate, we are like strangers. There are no other people involved, we have simply drifted apart.
So the last 6 months I have got myself more and more down about the situation, and decided I couldn't take it anymore, I am so unhappy I have lost my ooomph, lost joy in the things that I used to enjoy doing. I was worried I would snap and walk out the door and not return.
So 3 weeks ago I told him I had had enough, I didn't love him anymore and couldn't live this sham of a life anymore. He was gobsmacked. He thought we were ok, he said he knew I was unhappy but not this bad. It took all my strength to start the conversation, it was awful. I explained it all to him, I said I wanted to split but couldn't work out how to. He is the breadwinner, I just work part time and do the kids school run etc. He was visably upset, it was obviously never going to be easy, but he was shocked. He asked if there was anything he could do? could we try again etc? but I said no, too much time had gone, these things should have been addressed years ago. He left it saying he would sort something out.
The next few days we just carried on as normal, kids knew nothing, suspected nothing. But a week later he hadn't mentioned anything, so I had to broach the subject again. He said he couldn't afford to move out, rents too high, he was waiting on a friend who owns some flats to come back from holiday. I understand this is hard, I understand the costs are high. I understand it feels like I am booting him out of his own home. I have not pushed him, I am trying to be patient and calm about it all.
My main concern is the kids. I want things as amicable as possible, I want the kids to be as un-disrupted as possible. The initial plan was he move out for a bit to get kids used to dad being around but not living with us. Then me to apply for housing for me and kids and to sell the house. But he is not moving, nor showing any sign of moving either. He just carries on like nothing has happened.
I am at a loss as to what to do, I know I was the instigator, the baddie in all this, but the situation wont change. It is what it is.
What should I do? should I move out with the kids? Insist he needs to move out first - even if he stays at his mums for a few weeks - to give the kids time to get used to it?
I just don't know what to do.
Any advice is appreciated x

paulineb_2

I think its fair enough if hes struggling to find somewhere else to live, because he's also paying part of the mortgage I assume. Can you buy him out of the property?

Can you put it up for sale? If you are going to apply for housing for you and the kids, Id be doing that now, because with kids, you are going to be more of a priority to be rehoused in council or Housing Association property than he is.

HeadAboveWater

*hug*

Didn't want to read and run.

Mind if I point something out?

You've been getting yourself down about this for 6 months. Your OH has no idea how you're feeling... Until 3 weeks ago when you spoke to him and basically said 'that was it'. He asked if there was anything he could try, or you both could try, but you said no.

If he doesn't know there was something wrong, how were things going to get better?!

peachyprice

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are the one who wants to end the marriage, you are the one who should be thinking about moving out. Not only have you dropped the bombshell that you don't want to be married to him anymore, but you also want to take his home away from him, that is a very unfair thing to do and he has as much right to stay in the house with the children as you do.

Perhaps you should look into private rentals in your area, look at getting more hours at work, look at how much housing benefit you are entitled to. You are the instigator, you should be doing the work of finding yourself a new home.

19lottie82

Hi OP, sorry to hear what a sad situation you’re in. Basic facts here are,

- You can’t insist your husband moves out. You can ask him to, but you can’t make him. If he wants to stay in the family home, he can.
- Based on CSA rates for 2 children, you will be entitled to a 20% of his income as child support, but this will be reduced by 1/7 for every night per week he has the kids when / if he gets his own place (if applicable). He can provide more than this, but this is the legal minimum, should you choose to enforce it.
- You will be entitled to tax credits, as you work part time. Enter your details in to this benefits calculator to see how much you will get.
http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

BitterAndTwisted

purplestarlet wrote: »

He asked if there was anything he could do? could we try again etc? but I said no, too much time had gone, these things should have been addressed years ago.

Well, if they should have been addressed years ago, why didn't you attempt to address them yourself? People aren't bloody mind-readers!


I understand it feels like I am booting him out of his own home.

No, it doesn't "feel like" you are booting him out of his own home, you are actually trying to do that to him.

Personally, I think the poor sap deserves better from you. If you're not happy and feeling like the relationship isn't going anywhere and won't, the least he deserves is some kindness and respect from you and the opportunity to try and fix what's got broken.

Do you have any idea of the absolute penury which can result from trying to run two homes on one full-time and one part-time salary? Before you toss him out like some used hanky I suggest you find yourself a decently-paying full-time job first.

19lottie82

peachyprice wrote: »

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are the one who wants to end the marriage, you are the one who should be thinking about moving out. Not only have you dropped the bombshell that you don't want to be married to him anymore, but you also want to take his home away from him, that is a very unfair thing to do and he has as much right to stay in the house with the children as you do.

Perhaps you should look into private rentals in your area, look at getting more hours at work, look at how much housing benefit you are entitled to. You are the instigator, you should be doing the work of finding yourself a new home.

I think you ARE being a bit harsh here PP. From the sounds of it the OP’s Husband has been making no effort with the marriage for years, and also things will be better for everyone, in the long run (inc the kids) if they separate.

If the OP works P/T chances are she is the childrens main care giver, so surely it would be less disruptive for them for him to move out rather than her to either leave them with him, or move them out to a rented flat.

BUT I do think mayeb the OP should consider relationship councelling to give it one last try before mainking the final decision.

irishjohn

I feel for the guy - he has been out there being the breadwinner - and as there were no arguments etc he didn't realise you were drifting apart. He was settling into middle age thinking he had a nice little family unit - and maybe you were more into the children and paying him less attention and he just got on with it.

How about you thinking about leaving and let him and children stay in the house - you have the chance to be independent and rediscover your oomph. Its an equal world - it does not have to be him who loses his home.

Or perhaps you could re-think the idea of sitting down and talking and telling him whats wrong and give him a chance - he is still the man you met, married and had kids with, just as you are still the woman he met - if there was something there then you could have another go instead of just throwing in the towel and giving up.

If you are not willing then - let him go as gently as possible and by that I mean don't see him as the main source of income for the family when you will not permit him to be part of the family. Time to fend for yourself and not impose a life of financial struggle on him just because you are on a downer and not prepared to put some effort into reconciliation.

If it was really too late you would not have been able to hide the situation from him for 6 months without being a great actress.

19lottie82

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Do you have any idea of the absolute penury which can result from trying to run two homes on one full-time and one part-time salary? Before you toss him out like some used hanky I suggest you find yourself a decently-paying full-time job first.

He doesn't have to pay to run the home, he has to provide 20% of his salary to support his children.

peachyprice

19lottie82 wrote: »

He doesn't have to pay to run the home, he has to provide 20% of his salary to support his children.

In which case, it makes no difference whether it's OP or him who moves out does it.

BitterAndTwisted

Personally, I think Peachy is right: if the OP is so very unhappy and wants the marriage to end with no absolutely no opportunity for her husband to try and make things right then she should be the one to eff off!

I don't suppose it's going to be easy to rent and flat or house somewhere and support two kids on a part-time wage and 20% of her husband's pay, so obviously it must be her poor OH who should be the one to sling his hook and go quietly.