Stuck in limbo - trying to seperate

Joons

Of course you and the kids can't leave, ultimately he will have to if he cares a toss about his kids. You sound pretty much 100% sure the marriage is over so now it's up to him to accept it, give it a bit more time. I think you have been brave to face up to what is really going on and not dragging on for more years in a loveless relationship, I wish you all the best.

Joons

WestonDave wrote: »

For what its worth, I'd suggest thinking carefully about what you think you are going to gain in pursuing this course of action, as opposed to "staying just for the kids".

On the face of it you appear to be about to swap limited companionship in evenings etc for none. Splitting up isn't going to give you an instant social life where you will start to meet new people and potentially a new partner - by definition you will be home with a need for a babysitter everytime you want to go out, so it maybe that finding some new interests whilst staying together is better than the lonely slog of a single parent.

You will certainly be short of money compared to now - with two homes to run, two lots of heating, bills etc all coming out of the existing income (plus a bit of benefits), what you have been used to in terms of spending will get tighter, your kids will have less spent on them, and in relation to improving your life experience, you will have less to spend on developing a social life.

You are going to have to swap a dull existence for a period of serious upheaval, kids playing up, and general real unhappiness. Have you mentally played out telling the kids "I can't stand living with your dad anymore so he has to go" (which is the unvarnished truth of it and what they will hear however nicely you dress it up). Suppose the 12 year old decides to feel sorry for Dad and go and live with him - she is probably old enough for any court to take her wishes into account.

I guess what I'm saying is before you push this too far and go beyond the point where counselling etc can potentially put things back together, stop and consider whether being lonely, broke and having the kids hating you for splitting up their family is really better than what you have now. The grass may look greener on the other side right now, but if you get there and find its a swamp, there may be no way back.

Wow, what a warped ideal of being a single parent - I think this lady has been living in a swamp for many years and now has the courage to actually give herself permission to be happy - without him, she does not love him so no matter how many ugly scenario's you paint of singledom, it aint gonna change that.

CH27

purplestarlet wrote: »

Thank you all for your input. I appreciate all comments.
Firstly I realise I am the wicked witch here. I am not out to get everything I can from him, I was 12 when my own parents divorced and my mother screwed my dad for money at every given chance. She bled him dry and used me. I do not intend to do that to my kids.
I have tried for years with OH. This is not a decision I made whilst washing up! after son was born I tried, we went out, I tried talking to him, family days out, holidays walks and trips etc etc all done with bonding in mind. But you get to a point where you can't try anymore. It is dead between us, there is no more. I was surprised he had no idea himself. I am as much to blame as he is for letting things slide, but that is not the main issue here. I am trying to be grown up about it all, I know he is hurting, I do not want to hurt him more or to have things turn nasty. It is sad not bad.
He did suggest me leaving and him keeping the house and kids, but I cant see it working on many levels. I was a stay at home mum, until son was 6. When I got a job I had a couple of issues with picking up after school, I asked OH if he could finish work early once or twice a week to pick up son and help out? you would have thought I asked him to cut off his leg. No support and no help. I had to sort it all out. Now he has suggested changing his work hours and working from home! Again I understand it is desperation on his part. He doesn't want to loose the kids, I am not trying to take them away from him either. But his work is office based, involves him going onto sites and visiting branches, it is not workable round school.
I have no idea about benefits, have read a little here and will look into it. But again, that is not the main issue. I have been trying to think of the kids first, how it will effect them. I figured it was better for them if they stayed in their home with me, with OH coming at weekends to see them and after work some days in the week. I don't want them to think he has abandoned them.
If I was to leave I think it would be more confusing for them. I have always been here. Before school after school, every day.
I understand where some of you coming from. But I am not callous, I am not trying to screw him over. If I could stay here just for the kids alone and plod on it would be easier all round. But I am not sure I can.
I work part time btw school hours. He is the breadwinner and I am the housemaker. We have no family either side to help. Full time work is out of the question for a few years while son is still young.
I feel sorry for him, I feel absolutely wicked to the core. I have dropped a bombshell and shattered his world. I wish I did still love him and things were fine. It would be easy then.

So why did your husband have no clue how bad things are?

purplestarlet

Thank you x
JOONS you are spot on. I am saddened beyond beyond words it has come to this. If I could live in a loveless house until the kids left then that would be the answer. But things are getting Me down. I am sad and lonely, it's not fair on the kids to have an unhappy mum.
I have put the kids first since they were born. Gave up my career to raise them, been there for them every time. If I could continue as we are for their sake I would.
But I am beginning to fear for my sanity. Feel could be depressed.

Joons

purplestarlet wrote: »

Thank you x
JOONS you are spot on. I am saddened beyond beyond words it has come to this. If I could live in a loveless house until the kids left then that would be the answer. But things are getting Me down. I am sad and lonely, it's not fair on the kids to have an unhappy mum.
I have put the kids first since they were born. Gave up my career to raise them, been there for them every time. If I could continue as we are for their sake I would.
But I am beginning to fear for my sanity. Feel could be depressed.

You shouldn't live without love and it's not enough to stay for the sake of the kids, they will notice and it would never work anyway, you'd still be in limbo. The best thing to do is separate and I'm afraid he will have to go to not uproot his kids, it's not about you or him. Please don't deny yourself happiness, you clearly have made your decision so now it's about staying as amicable as possible for the kids, I wish you luck. In most cases, it's the woman that instigates separation, probably because the man can't face up to the truth quite as quickly.

You can share custody 50/50 so you will be able to live a life so don't believe some comments on here about you being even more miserable single, what a load of tosh.

purplestarlet

Thank you Joons. I expected to get slated to a degree but did feel some comments were harsh. I have tried to keep things civil, like you said, it is not about me and him, it is about the kids. But people seem to want to paint me as a heartless witch who wants to boot him out of his own home.
If I could leave I would, if it was just me and him I would. But it isn't, and the kids need to come first.
Thank you for your kind words. this is hard enough as it is.

purplestarlet

CH27 - I don't know. He isn't a talker. Never has been. You have to prise opinions out of him on anything.
I found it hard to believe he had no idea how unhappy I am. We have been together 18 years, it is a long time.

CH27

purplestarlet wrote: »

Thank you Joons. I expected to get slated to a degree but did feel some comments were harsh. I have tried to keep things civil, like you said, it is not about me and him, it is about the kids. But people seem to want to paint me as a heartless witch who wants to boot him out of his own home.
If I could leave I would, if it was just me and him I would. But it isn't, and the kids need to come first.
Thank you for your kind words. this is hard enough as it is.

Is it best for the kids that you kick their dad out without giving him chance to work things through?

Joons

purplestarlet wrote: »

Thank you Joons. I expected to get slated to a degree but did feel some comments were harsh. I have tried to keep things civil, like you said, it is not about me and him, it is about the kids. But people seem to want to paint me as a heartless witch who wants to boot him out of his own home.
If I could leave I would, if it was just me and him I would. But it isn't, and the kids need to come first.
Thank you for your kind words. this is hard enough as it is.

You clearly love your children very much and are trying to put them first, I hope he can do the same and make it as painless for them as possible. I hate to say it but there are so many others going through exactly the same thing and guess what, they surivived and are happier and fulfilled, not stuck with no hope so keep your chin up, you will come through the other end. Do you have good friends and family to help support you?

purplestarlet

No and I realise that is how they will see it...and probably many other people on here too. But we have been like this for 9-10 years now. Is that not giving things a chance?
I tried for years to make things work. But he has given me little or no support with the kids. Even Xmas and birthdays there is no real effort from him towards me. His lack of support and care for me has made me shut down.
It is not a light decison to make. I have been hanging on by a thread consumed with this for months. It is hard work telling everybody you are fine, life is great - when it isn't.