Parents favouring my sister

Person_one

Dinosaur_Train wrote: »

I do know what you're saying but it does matter, to me. It's not that I want the material things but rejection does really hurt and I think as I've had it all my life from my parents although I should really expect it it doesn't get any less hurtful.

Of course it matters! Your relationship with your parents is the very first one and the most fundamental and formative one we ever have. If anybody in the world is supposed to love us and treat us kindly its our parents, and we are basically programmed to crave their attention and affection because its what keeps us alive and what drives our development as children.


Have you ever had any counselling? You'll never change your parents, and you can't swap them for better ones, all you can do is try to find a way to stop it hurting so much, and there's no shame in getting a bit of help with that.

pops5588

Dinosaur_Train wrote: »

Yep I am the oldest. I'm really sorry to hear you've had similar issues with your family too

I think if I do cut them out I'll really think it through and look at the pros and cons and how it will affect the kids. In all honesty the two eldest are starting to realise how sidelined they are, and that nanny does and gives far more to the other grandchildren. My mum has cancelled the two eldest going over before because my sister phoned up and wanted my mum to go into town with her shoe shopping with her kids to 'help push the pram'

I do sympathise with you. I feel very fortunate that I only had to make this decision for myself. I'm only 23 and have no kids so I have no idea if this is a good suggestion or not so forgive me if it's bad/pointless, but I guess the good thing is that you are able to redress the balance with your eldest children by reiterating how valued and loved they are.

It really is a shame. but like I said it's them, not you.

SuzieSue

Dinosaur_Train wrote: »

My DH says the same to me, that my sister can take all the responsibility for my parents in their old age. I have a funny feeling they will expect me to though.

Well, I have a funny feeling that they are going to be very disappointed if that is what they expect.

pops5588

paulineb wrote: »

But if this is affecting you on an ongoing basis, if it affects your self esteem and how you view yourself, Id say think about going and getting some counselling or some CBT, because this doesnt need to impact on all your adult life.

Completely agree that this could be a good option for you. I am currently having CBT for these types of issues and although its ongoing I feel that it is a really positive form of therapy if you are ready to let the past go and want to move forward in a proactive way.

Dinosaur_Train

I've been fortunate enough to have been having counselling from a fantastic counsellor for about 2 years now. I think it's through her really that I've realised that my childhood was not normal, and was abusive really, and that I don't have to tolerate that kind of treatment. It was through CBT that I made the decision to put down some boundaries with my parents and see them less.

I meant to say too, and probably should have said earlier, that the ironic thing here is that both my parents have/had very little to do with their parents as they felt their siblings were treated more favourably than them. My dad is the oldest of 6 and cut off contact with his mother about 25 years ago (she has since died) as she was treating his siblings differently, and my mum is one of two, and has very little to do with her mum (who is absolutely wonderful) as her sister got given a piece of family jewellery and my mum didn't.

paulineb_2

Person_one wrote: »

Of course it matters! Your relationship with your parents is the very first one and the most fundamental and formative one we ever have. If anybody in the world is supposed to love us and treat us kindly its our parents, and we are basically programmed to crave their attention and affection because its what keeps us alive and what drives our development as children.


Have you ever had any counselling? You'll never change your parents, and you can't swap them for better ones, all you can do is try to find a way to stop it hurting so much, and there's no shame in getting a bit of help with that.

Well, perhaps I should have said, does it matter that much? And that doesnt mean that your feelings dont matter, but you have built a life with someone who loves you, husband, kids, probably other people in your life who care about you very much. You know exactly how your parents are, how they have behaved, you wont change them, you cant change the past, all you can change is the future.
And if people read my postings they will see that Ive a father who has had nothing to do with me for 40 years, who simply didnt turn up on an access visit one day and who has a son, I found this out by reading a national newspaper, because my father is quite a senior figure at one of the leading scottish universities.

Because the bottom line is, you cannot go back and change anything. You cant rewrite history. You cant make people care about you in the way that you want them to.

All you can do is live your life the way you see fit and get on with it. And not let someones rejection dent your confidence to such an extent that many years after, with a partner and kids who obviously love you, that its causing you pain and heartache.

My father has had no interest in me my entire life. He has seen no significant event I ever went though. He wasnt there when I was ill, he didnt see me pass exams, he didnt see me graduate. Hes probably seen all these things with his son and yes sometimes I wonder how someone can cut their first born child out of their life and see another one grow up and care for them, but thats what people can do, he did.

And I cant change him and who he is. All I can do personally is get on with my life for me and do the best I can for me, without allowing the way he feels about me which is nothing, to spoil any of my adult life.

The parents in this situation cant make anything right, they cant undo whats been done even if they started behaving totally differently tomorrow and for the rest of their lives.

All you can do is make decisions about how they and the way they behave isnt going to affect any more significant time of your own life.

Treevo

Dinosaur_Train wrote: »

I've been fortunate enough to have been having counselling from a fantastic counsellor for about 2 years now. I think it's through her really that I've realised that my childhood was not normal, and was abusive really, and that I don't have to tolerate that kind of treatment. It was through CBT that I made the decision to put down some boundaries with my parents and see them less.

I meant to say too, and probably should have said earlier, that the ironic thing here is that both my parents have/had very little to do with their parents as they felt their siblings were treated more favourably than them. My dad is the oldest of 6 and cut off contact with his mother about 25 years ago (she has since died) as she was treating his siblings differently, and my mum is one of two, and has very little to do with her mum (who is absolutely wonderful) as her sister got given a piece of family jewellery and my mum didn't.

Keep contact with your grandmother but you really need to stop this behaviour from your parents. Your children are already aware of it - you need to protect them. If that means you cut off nearly all contact then that's what you need to do. But don't take forever about it or your kids will be the ones in therapy in twenty five years' time.

Ginger_Poodle

Dinosaur_Train wrote: »

There was always a barrier, even when I was a child. My sister would be getting kisses and cuddles and told how lovely she was and I got, well, nothing really. My mum and dad created the barrier.

Blinkity heck! That is so, so sad. The fact that you have managed to form loving, positive relationships with your husband and children is an absolute credit to you. Nothing constructive to add. I wish you well x

Calien27

I know how you feel OP, my parents always favored my brother (my dad still does).

Back when our mum was alive she did everything for him.

My dad sold the family home seven years ago, out of the money my brother got a flat, two cars (separate times) and God knows how much for other things he "needed" out of the money from the house, I got £200 pounds (which I was grateful for). My dad recently got him a new car again, and paid off my brothers massive phone bill.

My birthday was last week, I got a handbag and some perfume. My brothers birthday is this week, he's got a top of the line hair trimmer, aftershave, clothes and other bits and bobs.

Now the money issue does annoy me but not as much as the fact that in my parents eyes my brother can do no wrong, even when he got arrested, me on the other hand, I can never seem to do anything right, if I make one mistake it's thrown in my face time and time again. One thing I am grateful for though is that I know how to stand on my own two feet, I can look after myself...my brother on the other hand has been so wrapped in cotton wool that he can't even use a washing machine.

Ooh that was long, sorry :rotfl:

thatlemming

I've been the grandchild in this situation, my auntie was the favoured one, and my mum was always ignored, still is now. If you're worried about cutting contact because your kids won't see their grandma, then I'd say don't worry about it. Me and my brother were treated in the same way your kids were, gran didn't want to know anything about us, we were ignored in favour of my cousins, and tbh now, me and my brother don't care that we don't see my gran because we've seen how horrid she was to our amazing incredible mum.