Parents favouring my sister

Dinosaur_Train

My parents always favoured my sister when I was growing up. They would never admit to it and my mother always vehemently insists that we were/are treated equally but that's not the case. I was always the black sheep, always told off and told how awful I was, and my sister was the golden child. I don't harbour bad feeling towards my sister, and we are close, but obviously it does upset me, and now it's got to the stage where I feel like cutting my parents off about it all. They are very defensive and are not the kind of people that take any kind of criticism well. If I spoke to them about how I feel they would just say that I am jealous and an evil person. It wouldn't occur to them that yes, I may actually have a point.

I will try to keep it brief but basically my sister's children are favoured and my children are second class citizens. My sister is lucky to have a wonderful MIL that looks after her children a lot, buys them a lot, and dotes on them, and my parents compete with this. They have my sister's children a lot and buy them lots of things. My children are just left with the crumbs, and I think my mum thinks that they will be grateful with any attention, so turns up once every 10 days or so for half an hour with a packet of sweets for each of them and that's it. They will occasionally have one of my children for a day or overnight, but always on my mum and dad's terms, never so that there is any benefit for DH and I. They have my sister's children overnight most weeks, and for a whole day each week, and always totally kit out my sister's children. Last winter they got them brand new winter coats, and nothing for mine. If we all meet up, my parents fuss over my sister's children and mine are ignored.

The other thing that has hurt me very much, is that I have found out in the last week that firstly my parents have given my sister and her DH a large amount of money. My parents are well off financially so they can afford this very easily. They have also bought my sister and her DH an expensive piece of furniture, which cost a lot of money. We have had nothing, and nothing about this was mentioned to me by my parents. I didn't know until my sister told me.

I don't begrudge my sister having the money or the furniture, and it's not even about the money really, but the principle of things, and surely it's just really unfair. I am usually quite an easygoing person, but I don't feel like I can just roll over and let this happen and be all passive about it and act like it is fine. My sister and her DH have a similar household income to DH and I, and the money was given to her to buy something specific that she and her DH want. I am happy with my life, but I would have liked the thing that my sister and her DH were given the money for too. It's not like my sister lives in poverty and I live in luxury. Our lifestyles are similar

As I said, I am so upset about this, but I don't think my parents would take it well if I told them, and they would say I was jealous and horrible, as they always automatically think the worst of me. What do I do? I have already in a way emotionally detached from them as they were so awful to me growing up, but it's so hurtful, and it's confirmation in a way that I am definitely not the favourite and that they don't like me.

snozberry

Mine are exactly the same: my sister is the favoured one and I am pretty much shunned. I did spend a lot of time upset and deep in thought about it until, one day, I thought 'stuff it' and turned it into a positive. I now see their behaviour choices as a response of me being seen as being the capable one, the stronger one, the more indendent one ... Yes, it hurts from time to time but life is too short to be worrying about the behaviour choices of others. Focus on you and your family and ensuring that your children feel equally loved, cherished and valued.

marisco_2

The hardest thing to do is the easiest thing for me to say. What you do is accept that there is a failing in your parents and dont let them bring you down. For some unfathomable reason they have chosen to favour your sister all through your childhood and into your adult lives. They are now taking this behaviour to a whole new low level and are doing the same with their grandchildren.

You hold your head high and acknowledge that you are doing really well in life. You have a loving dh, two healthy wonderful children together and are more than capable of raising them both equally and to the best of your abilities. You dont need financial assistance from your parents, the two of you are more than capable of providing all that you need for your family. You can be proud of standing on your own two feet and not needing others to support you.

It is up to you to choose whether you continue to have a relationship with your parents or not. A decision that I think you should give a lot of considered thought to. You come across as a daughter to be proud of to me. It is such a shame that your parents fail to recognise that. More fool them.

Threebabes

Its similar to my husband and his parents and siblings. We have next to no contact with them now. Theyve not seen us since 1st September last year, DH does not return their phone calls. My Dh got a card for his 40th, his sister got a weeks cruise with them, her husband and her kids!

summerof0763

I know exactly how you feel and symapathise.
my mum never hid fact I was bottom of the pile, but I decided to cut all contact with mine, and its the best decision I made, no more trying to please etc with mine, I feel happier within myself now.
so good luck op on what you decide x

SmallL

I agree with the others, im currently in a situation where my OH's parents had paid for houses (well the deposit) for all three children with the aim that they then pay the interest on the morgage until they could afford to buy it off them.
I recently discovered that me and my OH had been subsidizing the other two houses, to the tune of £1.6k over 3 years. That is a lot of money for two students (luckily my OH got a placement year with a decent wage) but we will never see that amount again and it does sting and feel unfair.

I have to tell myself that we are very lucky in our situation and us being good with money management is only going to make our future even better.

All the best x

SuzieSue

summerof0763 wrote: »

I know exactly how you feel and symapathise.
my mum never hid fact I was bottom of the pile, but I decided to cut all contact with mine, and its the best decision I made, no more trying to please etc with mine, I feel happier within myself now.
so good luck op on what you decide x

I could have written this. It did upset me in the past, but now that I am no longer in contact with them, it doesn't affect me at all. All I know is that I am in a very happy relationship and that my sister is in a miserable relationship, so I know who is the winner.

tessie_bear

my dh has had similar all his life, he has cut all contact with his parents and we have never looked back. I think it is a hard decision to make but well worth considering if it might be right for you.

We last saw his revolting family at a wedding 5 years ago and we are in no rush to see them again
good luck

SuzieSue

Also, OP, I know that you have said that you don't begrudge your sister and that it isn't her fault, but there is nothing stopping her from asking your parents to treat you and your family equally. You don't say if she has done that, and if she has, then fine, but if she hasn't then it says a lot about her as well.

hollys_house

i also have the same problem - my pare nts have favoured my brother and his children, while virtually ignoring my children. i have now not had any contact with my mother for a while, after being told my position is lower than her dogs:mad:

paulineb_2

Im going to stick my neck out and say, does it really matter? Im sorry for what you went through with your parents feeling like you werent treated equally, but you cant force them to spend money on you and your sister equally, nor can you force them to spend the same on the sets of kids.

What matters is how you treat your children. I know what its like to have nil contact with a family member (my father), his choice. He has a second family and a son and I am almost positive his second wife nor his son know anything about me, that I existed, that he was married to my mum. I got nothing from my father financially all my life apart from a very small amount of child maintenance, the minimum, a couple of quid a week, that was in the 70s and 80s and my mum had to go to court to get him to pay that. Not a birthday card, not a Christmas card, nothing.

And yes I get the occasional feeling of, theres someone out there who doesnt want to know me. But its his loss. It hasnt stopped me getting on with my life, didnt stop me knowing who mattered to me.
My brothers dad was exactly the same, has had nil input into his life.
You make the most of the life you have. If it is hurting you, have a conversation to the effect that its not about money, its about how you feel and its about how your kids are being treated differently.

And if you want to, you can decide whether your kids and yourself see less of your family.

And its natural to feel upset. But people can be selfish, self centered and downright thoughtless. But if they wont change, at least you are under no illusions about them, chalk it up and get on with making the best of the life you have with the people who do care about you.