Parents favouring my sister

Dinosaur_Train

SuzieSue wrote: »

Also, OP, I know that you have said that you don't begrudge your sister and that it isn't her fault, but there is nothing stopping her from asking your parents to treat you and your family equally. You don't say if she has done that, and if she has, then fine, but if she hasn't then it says a lot about her as well.

That is a very good point.

I think in a way she likes being the golden child. We do get on but she does still buy into my parents' opinion of me at times, and all is fine between us as long as I tread carefully.

Dinosaur_Train

paulineb wrote: »

Im going to stick my neck out and say, does it really matter? Im sorry for what you went through with your parents feeling like you werent treated equally, but you cant force them to spend money on you and your sister equally, nor can you force them to spend the same on the sets of kids.

What matters is how you treat your children. I know what its like to have nil contact with a family member (my father), his choice. He has a second family and a son and I am almost positive his second wife nor his son know anything about me, that I existed, that he was married to my mum. I got nothing from my father financially all my life apart from a very small amount of child maintenance, the minimum, a couple of quid a week, that was in the 70s and 80s and my mum had to go to court to get him to pay that. Not a birthday card, not a Christmas card, nothing.

And yes I get the occasional feeling of, theres someone out there who doesnt want to know me. But its his loss. It hasnt stopped me getting on with my life, didnt stop me knowing who mattered to me.
My brothers dad was exactly the same, has had nil input into his life.
You make the most of the life you have. If it is hurting you, have a conversation to the effect that its not about money, its about how you feel and its about how your kids are being treated differently.

And if you want to, you can decide whether your kids and yourself see less of your family.

And its natural to feel upset. But people can be selfish, self centered and downright thoughtless. But if they wont change, at least you are under no illusions about them, chalk it up and get on with making the best of the life you have with the people who do care about you.

I do know what you're saying but it does matter, to me. It's not that I want the material things but rejection does really hurt and I think as I've had it all my life from my parents although I should really expect it it doesn't get any less hurtful.

Dinosaur_Train

picklekin wrote: »

The same is true for my sister and I. I have struggled with anger over it for years, however.. there ARE upsides. My mother is.. mentally unstable and has "episodes" which I don't really have to deal with, and as they get older and older they will have more and more medical issues, and I wont have to deal with them. This might sound horribly callous of me, as it isn't really my sisters fault, but she has benefited from the situation, emotionally and financially.

My DH says the same to me, that my sister can take all the responsibility for my parents in their old age. I have a funny feeling they will expect me to though. If they want a favour or something doing they always ask DH and I, never my sister as she's far too 'busy'

Dinosaur_Train

dukeboxx wrote: »

Is it possible that your antagonise to them creates a barrier, would being nicer to them help do you think?

I don't think so dukeboxx.

I was always nice to them and tried so, so very hard until a year or two ago when I just thought 'stuff it'. I think they are actually a bit nicer to me now than they used to be now they realise that I am not so keen on pleasing them anymore.

There was always a barrier, even when I was a child. My sister would be getting kisses and cuddles and told how lovely she was and I got, well, nothing really. My mum and dad created the barrier.

Dinosaur_Train

pops5588 wrote: »

OP, I don't think that you will ever find peace with this until you accept that it is not YOU. It is THEM. There is nothing wrong with you, it is their issue. You will never get closure on the situation if you always seek to find reasons why this has happened, because they clearly can't be reasoned with.

I would be interested to know whether you are the older sibling? I am the oldest of two, and my sister was favoured hugely by my father. I do not speak to him now. People underestimate how damaging this type of behaviour can be, but it sounds like you persevered despite it and have a wonderful family that you support 100% yourself. You can hold your head up about that.

Before cutting them out I would deliberate slightly about whether this would have a negative impact on your kids? Would it be a decision you would make just for yourself or for the entire family?

Yep I am the oldest. I'm really sorry to hear you've had similar issues with your family too

I think if I do cut them out I'll really think it through and look at the pros and cons and how it will affect the kids. In all honesty the two eldest are starting to realise how sidelined they are, and that nanny does and gives far more to the other grandchildren. My mum has cancelled the two eldest going over before because my sister phoned up and wanted my mum to go into town with her shoe shopping with her kids to 'help push the pram'

pops5588

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

You're not six years old anymore. Let them get on with it - and if you don't like having a grandparent that bothers to come and see you then cut her off and your children can make do without grandparents, and uncle and auntie or cousins on your side.


Seriously, so your sister and, by extension, her family, is liked more. Big deal. It's what crap parents do. No point stomping your feet and complaining to everybody about how unfair it is. We know.

Just work out if you want your kids to think 'we love nanny because she comes round to see us with sweeties' or 'we don't have a nanny anymore'.

With all due respect, this sounds like the opinion of someone who has not been through this kind of experience. And if that is the case then i'm glad for you that you haven't, because it is actually a very big deal.

Everything we experience in terms of behaviour and treatment during our younger years (whether it be by our parents/teachers/carers etc.) forms our core beliefs about ourselves as well as other people, and we carry those core beliefs with us for the rest of our lives. They affect your self-esteem, self-worth, capacity to love and trust just to name a few.

I agree with your point that the OP needs to also consider her children and what impact the removal of the g/parents would have on them.

Person_one

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Just work out if you want your kids to think 'we love nanny because she comes round to see us with sweeties' or 'we don't have a nanny anymore'.

I picked 'Who needs a crap nana? I'm not bothering with her anymore' over visits to a nana who called me fat when I was a teenager, gave birthday presents that were opened, used and rewrapped and, most importantly, treated my lovely mother like something she'd trodden in.

Its definitely not true that any grandparent is better than none!

1sttimer_2

This resonates with me to - although our parents are now dead, and sis and I get on fine, I always felt that she was the wanted one, and me the mistake! She was set up with furniture for a flat when she left home (she was a single mum) and I got nothing when I left home to get married. There were lots more things that led me to believe that she was the favoured one but I'm not listing them all here. You just know if it is happening to you.

I now realise that as she was the older one, and was a early baby, she most probably was thought of as a more 'fragile' child and so spoilt, and with me coming along 5 years later, was a 'roughty toughty' so coped with things more readily.

I think I am more capable than my sis, most probably because I had to do things for myself, and at the end of the day, I look to the good things I have now, rather than the bad things that were then.

paulineb_2

Dinosaur_Train wrote: »

My DH says the same to me, that my sister can take all the responsibility for my parents in their old age. I have a funny feeling they will expect me to though. If they want a favour or something doing they always ask DH and I, never my sister as she's far too 'busy'

You need to take a bit of control back. I wouldnt be sitting thinking about responsibility for parents in their old age, but if your sister is too busy to do favours, then why are you being asked?

And do you do these favours? I do know what its like to be rejected by a parent, I dont have kids so it doesnt affect my life in that way. But I wont let it affect my entire adult life, life is hard enough as it is as Im sure more people than me know.

But if this is affecting you on an ongoing basis, if it affects your self esteem and how you view yourself, Id say think about going and getting some counselling or some CBT, because this doesnt need to impact on all your adult life.

And if your sister isnt supportive of you and you have to tread carefully around her because she buys into how your parents have treated you, then Id be limiting the time I spend in her company quite frankly.

marisco_2

paulineb wrote: »

Im going to stick my neck out and say, does it really matter?

I think the OP is justified in feeling saddened and let down by her parents because they have favoured her sister since childhood. All children deserve to feel loved and valued and to be treated equally within their family unit as they grow up. It is a painful experience to come to the realisation, that through no fault of your own you are treated differently from your siblings by your parents. This treatment has the potential to cause long lasting problems, with many people struggling to go on and form positive relationships of their own, such is the damage done to their confidence and self esteem. So I think it does matter that this has gone on.

The OP has shown huge strength of character, because despite the way the she has been raised, this has not had an averse effect on her relationship with her sister. She has also gone on to have her own family and to want the very best for them. So it is understandable that now she sees this destructive pattern being repeated with her children by her parents, that she is re-evaluating and questioning whether maintaining contact is a good idea or not.