Being too generous and how to stop?

comeandgo

What is it he has or does that you love about him or is he just a habit and the father of one of your children? I'm sorry but he sounds rather childish and not someone who is treating you correctly. No person should expect another person to pay for all the expenses.
It reminds me of my an experience with my first husband, he said he would take me out anytime as long as I arranged baby sitter, paid said baby sitter, booked venue, paid venue and taxi if needed. Somehow the sparkle of a night out vanished.

tonycottee

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

My BF/Partner/OH what ever you want to call him LIVES an hour away - in his own house, with his own bills and see's us once a week.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Since he has moved out we argued less and less and eventually, yes i would like the arguing to stop completely (Although I am not naive enough to believe no one argues!) and eventually i would like him to move in, and yes we would like to plan a future which, as you already know, doesnt include getting married.

The thing is, if arguing is still an issue when you see each other just once a week, things aren't going to get better.

As others have said, he's got the best of both worlds, and I don't see why he would want to move in with you.

Sorry if that sounds a little harsh.

The_Boss

comeandgo wrote: »

What is it he has or does that you love about him or is he just a habit and the father of one of your children? I'm sorry but he sounds rather childish and not someone who is treating you correctly. No person should expect another person to pay for all the expenses.
It reminds me of my an experience with my first husband, he said he would take me out anytime as long as I arranged baby sitter, paid said baby sitter, booked venue, paid venue and taxi if needed. Somehow the sparkle of a night out vanished.

With two kids with two different dads I suspect the OP is worried about breaking up and not meeting someone else due to stigma in having to tell a new man about this situation.

lindsloo

The_Boss wrote: »

With two kids with two different dads I suspect the OP is worried about breaking up and not meeting someone else due to stigma in having to tell a new man about this situation.

You've hit the nail on the head I think. Been in exactly the same situation as op, battered the relationship to bits, put up with more rubbish than I would from anyone else just because I didn't want the humiliation of being on my own with two kids from different dads. There's something very vulnerable about being in this position, I've turned into someone I vowed I'd never become.

OP, only you know your OH. Put your hand on your heart, do you think he will really change? I don't think he will, he's living a single life and when the money runs out he can run back to you and you will pick up the bill.

You will be amazed at how good you feel when you kick him into touch, and in this day and age people don't really care about kids with different partners unless you have 6 with all different dads. I have the most amazing partner who doesn't care about my history, he's a breath of fresh air and now I wonder why I stuck with my ex for as long as I did.

Good luck and ignore that batty stalker, single white female springs to mind :rotfl:.

The_Boss

lindsloo wrote: »

You've hit the nail on the head I think. Been in exactly the same situation as op, battered the relationship to bits, put up with more rubbish than I would from anyone else just because I didn't want the humiliation of being on my own with two kids from different dads. There's something very vulnerable about being in this position, I've turned into someone I vowed I'd never become.

OP, only you know your OH. Put your hand on your heart, do you think he will really change? I don't think he will, he's living a single life and when the money runs out he can run back to you and you will pick up the bill.

You will be amazed at how good you feel when you kick him into touch, and in this day and age people don't really care about kids with different partners unless you have 6 with all different dads. I have the most amazing partner who doesn't care about my history, he's a breath of fresh air and now I wonder why I stuck with my ex for as long as I did.

Good luck and ignore that batty stalker, single white female springs to mind :rotfl:.

Exactly. The sooner she ditches, the more of a happy life she will have left to live.

angelpye

Oh my life! How depressing is it that when people ask for advice judgemental idiots come along to try to get you more down!!!

Yes, read my back posts I am a single working mum with debt and I claim the benefits I am entitled to and I don't care if you don't like it! Who are you to make anyone feel shame? No-one.

Mimi, if you are the main carer of the children and he does not live at your address ie he has a home elsewhere where he pays his way and stays for the majority of the time then you are a single mum. Judgemental frustrated morons who just want to pick apart details and not answer your query are not what these forums are about - shame on them. And as for constant 'cut and paste' of back posts it is childish and only comes from a negative place trying to undermine you and put others off from giving advice! People's circumstances change and sometimes depending on how you feel your perception of events do too! Levels are debt are truely relative to the person as is level of income. As for incorrect SOA...get a grip! Grow up!!! If you haven't got any real advice or words of encouragement then move on!! Don't read! And don't comment! Did your mothers never say "if you haven't got anything nice to say..."

These individuals are really putting me off the forum and they do it to so many people genuinely seeking advice. Pathetic!

Mimi, if you can't afford it and with debt and 2 kids (whatever size debt) then you can make the choice not to pay it. He is taking you for a ride and ok you have a higher income but two children are not cheap. But I think you know the answers and just needed some encouragement. Good luck, don't let him take advantage of your good nature and ignore the trolls

angelpye

The_Boss wrote: »

Blimey...£1,400 in benefits is not far short of my monthly take home pay...

It's not real money as they pay part of it for child care ie the child care bill is £1000 and they pay £750 towards it. It's not money to spend on whatever you want and they check.

The_Boss

angelpye wrote: »

Oh my life! How depressing is it that when people ask for advice judgemental idiots come along to try to get you more down!!!

Yes, read my back posts I am a single working mum with debt and I claim the benefits I am entitled to and I don't care if you don't like it! Who are you to make anyone feel shame? No-one.

Mimi, if you are the main carer of the children and he does not live at your address ie he has a home elsewhere where he pays his way and stays for the majority of the time then you are a single mum. Judgemental frustrated morons who just want to pick apart details and not answer your query are not what these forums are about - shame on them. And as for constant 'cut and paste' of back posts it is childish and only comes from a negative place trying to undermine you and put others off from giving advice! People's circumstances change and sometimes depending on how you feel your perception of events do too! Levels are debt are truely relative to the person as is level of income. As for incorrect SOA...get a grip! Grow up!!! If you haven't got any real advice or words of encouragement then move on!! Don't read! And don't comment! Did your mothers never say "if you haven't got anything nice to say..."

These individuals are really putting me off the forum and they do it to so many people genuinely seeking advice. Pathetic!

Mimi, if you can't afford it and with debt and 2 kids (whatever size debt) then you can make the choice not to pay it. He is taking you for a ride and ok you have a higher income but two children are not cheap. But I think you know the answers and just needed some encouragement. Good luck, don't let him take advantage of your good nature and ignore the trolls

Why are you having a hissy fit? One or two made the point that she is still in a relationship with the father of one of her children, who lives elsewhere by her choice, and questioning how she qualifies as a single mother under those circumstances.

Take the chip off your shoulder. People are not trolls just because you have a different opinion to them.

angelpye

The_Boss wrote: »

Why are you having a hissy fit? One or two made the point that she is still in a relationship with the father of one of her children, who lives elsewhere by her choice, and questioning how she qualifies as a single mother under those circumstances.

Take the chip off your shoulder. People are not trolls just because you have a different opinion to them.

A difference of opinion is not my problem, no chip either - why would I? My problem is unhelpful criticism and undermining some amounting to harassing behaviour in my opinion - probably different to your opinion!

As said before it seems others have issues with the system in this case but taking it out on OP. if she says she is not living with him and she is a single mum then why question that?

Like I said the cut and pasting and over eager questioning of facts is starting to become a regular occurrence and tiresome. It's just not supportive and within MSE ethos in my opinion.

Anyway don't want to hijack the thread so PM if you feel the need

The_Boss

angelpye wrote: »

A difference of opinion is not my problem, no chip either - why would I? My problem is unhelpful criticism and undermining some amounting to harassing behaviour in my opinion - probably different to your opinion!

As said before it seems others have issues with the system in this case but taking it out on OP. if she says she is not living with him and she is a single mum then why question that?

Like I said the cut and pasting and over eager questioning of facts is starting to become a regular occurrence and tiresome. It's just not supportive and within MSE ethos in my opinion.

Anyway don't want to hijack the thread so PM if you feel the need

It's your tone throughout that makes it seem you have a chip. A user noticed discrepencies between what was reported here and elsewhere - quite big ones - and that is why they were raised.

There has been lots of very good advice here, but you're focussing on a couple of points. The only person who can take steps to improve the situation once and for all is the OP, but there's also plenty of evidence that they are unlikely to take the appropriate action to resolve it and therefore the unhappy situation is only likely to worsen in future.