Being too generous and how to stop?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I know this is probably the wrong board but:

Both me and my bf have debts (Mine is a £700 CC 0% until dec 2013 and have a budget plan - CC will be paid off within 5 weeks) bf lives in his OD, no budget, no money.

I ALWAYS seem to end up paying for everything and im getting fed up of it. I always feel bad that he has no money and "treat" him - I just cant seem to say no.

Besides giving my bank cards to my mum for safe keeping (and at 30 i shouldnt have to!) is there any way i can "train" my mind into thinking "stuff him"

CC would be paid off a hell of a lot quicker if i stopped treating him (For example - I've just spent £80 on a suit for him because he "needed" one, We're going to see his parents but it will be me who buys the petrol and spending money, We're going out for a meal which again, im expected to pay for because its me who wants to go)

I KNOW he is taking me for a ride. But how do i stop it. This is causing some serious arguments but its always me who ends up backing down.

Sorry - more of a rant than anything wasnt it!

The_Boss

Think more of yourself. Also confront him directly. What is the root of him not having money? Too many luxuries? Nights out etc? How long have you been together and do you have plans for a future together?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

The_Boss wrote: »

Think more of yourself. Also confront him directly. What is the root of him not having money? Too many luxuries? Nights out etc? How long have you been together and do you have plans for a future together?

thanks for the reply.

We've been together for a while now (Years) and have a 2 year old daughter. Initially he lived with me but because of the arguing I asked him to leave and he moved out when I was pregnant. In the long run I'd like him to move back in but he has been told he MUST sort his finances out before this happens.

No money - he doesnt tell me what he spends it on. He does drink, but i dont know how much / how often exactly - i know he goes out roughly once a week with the lads, and he does smoke.

Other than that I really dont know and he wont tell me.

When i confront him directly we end up arguing. He seems to expect me to pay for everything because i earn more - but i dont think thats really fair.

The_Boss

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

thanks for the reply.

We've been together for a while now (Years) and have a 2 year old daughter. Initially he lived with me but because of the arguing I asked him to leave and he moved out when I was pregnant. In the long run I'd like him to move back in but he has been told he MUST sort his finances out before this happens.

No money - he doesnt tell me what he spends it on. He does drink, but i dont know how much / how often exactly - i know he goes out roughly once a week with the lads, and he does smoke.

Other than that I really dont know and he wont tell me.

When i confront him directly we end up arguing. He seems to expect me to pay for everything because i earn more - but i dont think thats really fair.

Sorry to say this but it doesn't sound too promising. He needs to sort his priorities out. You can't rule out the possibility of hidden debts either. The fact there is arguing is a huge red warning light. Also, you may just be a convenience to him because you pay for him rather than a life partner.

I had an ex who earned over double what I did at the time (£50k plus) but who routinely missed card payments, had CCJs, wasted heaps and heaps of money unnecessarily and just frittered her salary away. Goes to show that financial responsibility is something that is not affected by how much you earn.

SlopingBird

Oh dear, this sounds so much like my relationship with my second husband. We met at university as mature students and he was soon living with me in my house due to his money problems. We argued non-stop about money throughout our entire (short) marriage and I later found out he gambled and spent a fortune on Lottery tickets. My older daughter actually saw him coming out of a betting shop once and he had the gall to deny it was him. I even took out a student loan to buy him a £2k computer (this was back in the early 1990s) because he had to have a top quality one for his maths degree - he dropped out soon after. I paid for our housing, household bills and holidays. I paid £100s for him to resit various exams so he could remain at university. He wasn't grateful but boy was he angry if I ever refused him anything. I lost everything through him - we bought a house together using my equity as a deposit but I moved out after six months (he was violent too!) and he refused to pay the mortgage. I'm not saying you should split up, just be very careful about letting him move in and getting into a position where you have joint finances. My ex pushed for a joint bank account for five years and when I finally gave in, he went on a spending spree which resulted in us being £1.5k OD. You sound sensible but some men do have a way of making us feel we are being unreasonable when actually it's them!

notanewuser

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

thanks for the reply.

We've been together for a while now (Years) and have a 2 year old daughter. Initially he lived with me but because of the arguing I asked him to leave and he moved out when I was pregnant. In the long run I'd like him to move back in but he has been told he MUST sort his finances out before this happens.

No money - he doesnt tell me what he spends it on. He does drink, but i dont know how much / how often exactly - i know he goes out roughly once a week with the lads, and he does smoke.

Other than that I really dont know and he wont tell me.

When i confront him directly we end up arguing. He seems to expect me to pay for everything because i earn more - but i dont think thats really fair.

If you're earning more because you're claiming as a single parent when you so obviously aren't (from memory you're earning £700 a month wages and £1400 a month in benefits) then expect the tables to be turned when HMRC investigate you.

zzzLazyDaisy

Is it worth asking yourself why you want a long term relationship with this man? He doesn't seem willing or able to support you and your child, and you don't seem to be top of his list of priorities. In fact it seems as if he is looking to you to mother and provide for him so he can focus on enjoying himself. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life doing this? Because you can never change another person, you can only change how your respond to them. So you either accept him as he is, or you focus on improving your own life.

Practice saying 'no'. Don't make excuses, don't apologise, don't defend yourself. You say 'no'. If that is too hard, say 'I'd love to but can't afford it'. If he asks you out 'I'd love to but can't afford it', if he wants to go somewhere in the car with you 'I'd love to but I can't afford it'. If he really wants to be with you, he will find way to pay his way. Or he might lose interest, but at least you'd know where you stand.

If you do go out with him, tell him that the car needs petrol and you can't afford it, so if he wants to go he will have to put petrol in the car before you set off. Leave your cards at home (if the only way you can pay is by putting it on the card, then you can't afford it, and that's the truth). Take only the cash you are genuinely able to afford to spend, and show him that is all you have. But keep a secret £20 in a separate compartment of your purse in case of emergencies.

He will either step up to the plate, or not.

Find_The_Real

Hi Mimi

I can totally understand where you are coming from as I was in the same situation, slogging my guts out with 2 jobs to pay for most of the stuff as he was quick frankly one of the meanest people I have ever known, he would not splash the cash even if he did have some - which was rare as he sounds like your ex with no money management and happy to spend on himself only.

I'm going to be brutal in that although I know you have a child together he is not going to change and so you really have to decide whether or not you want to live with this situation in the long term.

I know it is a very difficult choice but sometimes you need a LBM that they are just not worth it and to move on in your life, mine took 10 years!

Other than that you just really have to be tough and not offer to pay which is probably very difficult as well as I also did that a lot as it was a lot easier than the arguments it generated if I mentioned the ex should pay for something. However it did leave me with a very big resentment of his attitude to the point where eventually I had enough.

Good luck with it all and I hope it all goes well whatever you decide and well done for what you have managed on your own so far - perhaps you should also consider that in it all!

The_Boss

notanewuser wrote: »

If you're earning more because you're claiming as a single parent when you so obviously aren't (from memory you're earning £700 a month wages and £1400 a month in benefits) then expect the tables to be turned when HMRC investigate you.

Blimey...£1,400 in benefits is not far short of my monthly take home pay...

heartbreak_star

And way more than mine

Mimi, if it's you that wants to go out and treat him, then you're making a rod for your own back.

However, if he's asking, then practise saying no in the mirror...and after the first time you say it to him, it will get easier

HBS x

The_Boss

I'd go as far as giving him an ultimatum for sorting himself out or you will move on. It's your life too.