Being too generous and how to stop?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

simeyb wrote: »

To the OP - you have with the benefits you are "entitled to", plenty of money - more than most people on here and you have very little debt, unlike most people on here. Can I suggest you stop moaning about your b/f or whatever he is and either consolidate assets (or would that mean you get less benefits maybe?) or kick him into touch - one or the other - you have plenty of money to go it alone if this bloke is such a waste of space, so please could you have a think about the real and deeply worrying problems that most people on here have and think yourself lucky that at least you have choices - most of us don't.

Yes now I have little debt. Previously I've had a joint debt with ex for £25k - so I HAVE been there counting pennies to buy bread etc. So because I've put all my flexi cash into my debts and nearly paid it off im not allowed back on the DFW board? and yes, if he moved in my benefit for Tax credit would drop by £50 a week. His income is nearly £300 a week so we would be better off by £250 a week if he moved in, not worse.

GreenNinja

SlopingBird wrote: »

Oh dear, this sounds so much like my relationship with my second husband. We met at university as mature students and he was soon living with me in my house due to his money problems. We argued non-stop about money throughout our entire (short) marriage and I later found out he gambled and spent a fortune on Lottery tickets. My older daughter actually saw him coming out of a betting shop once and he had the gall to deny it was him. I even took out a student loan to buy him a £2k computer (this was back in the early 1990s) because he had to have a top quality one for his maths degree - he dropped out soon after. I paid for our housing, household bills and holidays. I paid £100s for him to resit various exams so he could remain at university. He wasn't grateful but boy was he angry if I ever refused him anything. I lost everything through him - we bought a house together using my equity as a deposit but I moved out after six months (he was violent too!) and he refused to pay the mortgage. I'm not saying you should split up, just be very careful about letting him move in and getting into a position where you have joint finances. My ex pushed for a joint bank account for five years and when I finally gave in, he went on a spending spree which resulted in us being £1.5k OD. You sound sensible but some men do have a way of making us feel we are being unreasonable when actually it's them!

Your ex sounds similar to mine... a piece of scum! bet you are glad you ended it?

somethingcorporate

Time to man up and kick him into touch - ultimatum time I would guess, otherwise this will just bumble and rumble on until you get totally sick of it.

The_Boss

somethingcorporate wrote: »

Time to man up and kick him into touch - ultimatum time I would guess, otherwise this will just bumble and rumble on until you get totally sick of it.

Sick of it and having wasted a great number of years/amount of her life.

The_Boss

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Nope - 2 children (I meant only one is his) sorry!

Ahh, ok. I think I'm starting to understand why you're so keen on giving him all these chances when you probably know yourself that you need to get rid.

moohound

You don't have 2 kids, you have 3, two are lovely, and one is big and selfish.

emmaglet

Flippin' heck. I love these forums but people seem to be reading into whether your relationship will work instead of answering your actual question! I'm only going to respond to your original post, not all the follow ups.

This is me! Or it could have been about a year to 18 months ago. My bf is currently unemployed and things are tight, so we have him 'earning' his keep by tidying the house and cooking meals for me, as well as ensuring he's up as I'm getting up for work. I still begrudge him because after the bills are paid my new job with a great pay rise means there's not much left for me as 'fun money'.

So...over time I taught him to eBay. He collects (or collected) Warhammer models. For months he assured me that he knew exactly what he had and that he wanted all of them. Then when he didn't have money he was able to sell some off! He's still selling them now - he lists every fortnight on free eBay listing weekends, then splits the money he gets between the joint account, his ISA (we've got a holiday booked at the end of the year) and his own fun money. Plus we do boot sales together - like we needed to take our kittens to the vets for £220, so we did a few boot sales the weeks beforehand to have the money available.

Anyway, my point is that from extras like eBay and bootsales, he can have his own money - whether its £20 this time or £100 this time. The joint account covers food and bills and he doesn't run a car, so that money is all his. Because we work together to make extra money, I do still treat him, but it is to much smaller things and I'm not afraid of saying 'actually I can't afford a Chinese take away, but if we can get a take away for £10 or less then we can do it'. I also do surveys for vouchers and exchange clubcard vouchers for things like Prezzo vouchers, to keep costs down.

Now he's full on board with the whole money making/money saving thing, and a few weeks ago HE was able to treat me to a meal out because he'd made enough on eBay/saved up for it. It isn't easy though - I would kill to be in his position - him out working and me at home. I'm really good at eBay/making money online so I would love for him to be bringing in my wage whilst I've got the days free to scour charity shops, list on eBay and work on my website which earns me money. So I do resent him and we do have arguments sometimes. But we're getting there.

The_Boss

emmaglet wrote: »

Flippin' heck. I love these forums but people seem to be reading into whether your relationship will work instead of answering your actual question! I'm only going to respond to your original post, not all the follow ups waffle waffle waffle waffle

The question was "I KNOW he is taking me for a ride. But how do i stop it?" - most of the responses are answering the question or were seeking clarification in order to answer the question.

simeyb

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Yes now I have little debt. Previously I've had a joint debt with ex for £25k - so I HAVE been there counting pennies to buy bread etc. So because I've put all my flexi cash into my debts and nearly paid it off im not allowed back on the DFW board? and yes, if he moved in my benefit for Tax credit would drop by £50 a week. His income is nearly £300 a week so we would be better off by £250 a week if he moved in, not worse.

Then either dump him - he sounds like a waste of space, but I'm not to judge the state of your relationship - wastes of space are still loveable I guess, or tell him to sort himself out once and for all - set an ultimatum to be met, stick to it and move on. Of course you can come on here, but the issues you have aren't around debt, they are around a sponging boyfriend.

Idiophreak

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

He does not contribute to my bills, childcare, or infact any daily up brining of my children.

He's the father of one of them, so why doesn't he?