Being too generous and how to stop?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

The_Boss wrote: »

Can I just ask you this...have you settled on him as your life partner? Because all logic says get rid and move on, but you seem to not want to and even have future stuff planned?

The times its bad and we are arguing - no, he is a pain in the behind that i could do with out. That said, it isnt always, and hasnt always been like this, Our relationship changed a hell of a lot when i was pregnant - but then both of us did.

It's never got bad enough for me to say "thats it!" though.

Verbatim

Take the suit back, if it's still possible. I can't see the problem with saying "No".
This guy is a dead loss. If you want a full time relationship look elsewhere. If you're happy to carry on with weekend visits fine but sort out in advance what he needs to pay for.

matttye

Does he ask for treats? If so, just say you can't afford it.

If he hints, just don't take the hint... ignore him.

If he wants treats, he can go out and get a job and buy them himself.

Just stick to treating him on his birthday and Christmas, you clearly can't afford to be doing it all the time!

The_Boss

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

The times its bad and we are arguing - no, he is a pain in the behind that i could do with out. That said, it isnt always, and hasnt always been like this, Our relationship changed a hell of a lot when i was pregnant - but then both of us did.

It's never got bad enough for me to say "thats it!" though.

Ok, in that case he definitely needs the ultimatum to be honest about his money and sort his finances out and importantly for you to see evidence of this. You should also agree to some sort of joint contribution as effectively you are a babysitter while he can go out and live the high life, spend all his own money on himself and enjoy the benefits of having a kid. I'd hate for you to be stuck in a rut like this with him for another 5 years, you not live your life (or do so resenting his freedom),him drag you down and then you end up not being able to move on with someone else or find it a lot more difficult to move on.

The_Boss

matttye wrote: »

Does he ask for treats? If so, just say you can't afford it.

If he hints, just don't take the hint... ignore him.

If he wants treats, he can go out and get a job and buy them himself.

Just stick to treating him on his birthday and Christmas, you clearly can't afford to be doing it all the time!

The problem there being that I suspect he has hidden debts and judging by his description would likely go and buy those treats etc anyway, further increase his debt and then default. The OP doesn't want this relationship to end so he needs to be educated about financial responsibilities and take action so that this does not affect the future of their relationship - an ultimatum would appear to be the only way (he certainly doesn't seem to care much about sorting his debt so he can move back in). This could impact the OP if their credit reports are linked, if they want to make joint financial ventures or if they want to buy anywhere in future.

matttye

The_Boss wrote: »

The problem there being that I suspect he has hidden debts and judging by his description would likely go and buy those treats etc anyway, further increase his debt and then default. The OP doesn't want this relationship to end so he needs to be educated about financial responsibilities and take action so that this does not affect the future of their relationship - an ultimatum would appear to be the only way (he certainly doesn't seem to care much about sorting his debt so he can move back in). This could impact the OP if their credit reports are linked, if they want to make joint financial ventures or if they want to buy anywhere in future.

Well based on the initial post he has at least an overdraft debt, but whether he has hidden debts or not, he needs to support himself (or the family unit if/when they finally move in together) and not just burden the OP his whole life.

kwmlondon

notanewuser wrote: »

I did quote the thread in the post. It's not possible to quote a 100+ post thread in its entirety here!!

I have no axe to grind against you personally. However, you are playing your life out on here and it's clear you are manipulating the system in order to maximise your benefits. I could make DH work away all year if I wanted to, abroad or on the moon for all it mattered, but that wouldn't make me a single parent. Your OH/partner/boyfriend is more than a weekend trampoline and you know it.

Mind you, having just read how Amazon manage to actually make more money in grants from the government than they actually pay in tax, while declaring sales in the UK of £4.2billion I can't really get much annoyance up for someone who is getting the most out of the welfare system. I'm not saying it's right, but in that kind of perspective....

Oh, and for the OP, sorry to hear about your issues with partner but you so need to work on your grasp of your finances. If you can't manage to get on top of how you spend your money how can you blame your boyfriend for taking advantage of it, by your own admission if you didn't spend it on what he wants you'd just waste it anyway (your words).

I really think you should start to take responsibility for yourself and your kids, if you need a motivation then try to set your children a good example or they'll repeat your mistakes. BUT if you manage to get some control over your spending then not only will you set them a good example but you'll probably be able to manage your boyf too.

This is just my opinion.

Best of luck.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

notanewuser wrote: »

I did quote the thread in the post. It's not possible to quote a 100+ post thread in its entirety here!!

I have no axe to grind against you personally. However, you are playing your life out on here and it's clear you are manipulating the system in order to maximise your benefits. I could make DH work away all year if I wanted to, abroad or on the moon for all it mattered, but that wouldn't make me a single parent. Your OH/partner/boyfriend is more than a weekend trampoline and you know it.

I meant the post i put about the "in the future" not thread lol sorry!

You have your beliefs about my lifestyle, but you dont know the whole facts. You've sniped bits up that you think are relevant to your posts and ignored the rest - Do you really think i've put everything about me on an internet forum? There are things happening - and that have happened - that you dont know about and neither should you need to know about them.

My OH moved out because I asked him to. Not because of the benefits like you believe but because we was arguing far too much and i didnt want my children around that - have you ever sat at the top of the stairs listening to your mum and dad go at each other? Ever visited a shelter because your mum left your dad and had no where to go and you had to sleep in a corridor because there was no beds and listen to women SCREAMING through the night? Ever had the police at the door because the neighbours are worried about the shouting? no, you probably havent. I had that as a child, why on earth would i put my kids through that? So yes, when we was arguing constantly - he left. Because when it comes down to it, my kids mean so so much more than him and i dont want them to remember "mummy and daddy used to argue all the time" - because thats what i remember. and yes, my mum and dad are still together - probably do still argue the same i just dont see it any more. We are arguing about money/spending (Or rather, I'm arguing about it!) which is why i am trying to do something about it.

Since he has moved out we argued less and less and eventually, yes i would like the arguing to stop completely (Although I am not naive enough to believe no one argues!) and eventually i would like him to move in, and yes we would like to plan a future which, as you already know, doesnt include getting married.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

kwmlondon wrote: »

Mind you, having just read how Amazon manage to actually make more money in grants from the government than they actually pay in tax, while declaring sales in the UK of £4.2billion I can't really get much annoyance up for someone who is getting the most out of the welfare system. I'm not saying it's right, but in that kind of perspective....

Oh, and for the OP, sorry to hear about your issues with partner but you so need to work on your grasp of your finances. If you can't manage to get on top of how you spend your money how can you blame your boyfriend for taking advantage of it, by your own admission if you didn't spend it on what he wants you'd just waste it anyway (your words).

I really think you should start to take responsibility for yourself and your kids, if you need a motivation then try to set your children a good example or they'll repeat your mistakes. BUT if you manage to get some control over your spending then not only will you set them a good example but you'll probably be able to manage your boyf too.

This is just my opinion.

Best of luck.

I am - Have been doing quite well on my shopping since my last SOA was posted and have cut a lot of things down

This is the last thing that I need to stop - Have already posted on another board about the ISA / savings a few weeks back so any spare money is going to go into a savings account but this is where ive noticed a lot is being waste on OH lol

kwmlondon

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I am - Have been doing quite well on my shopping since my last SOA was posted and have cut a lot of things down

This is the last thing that I need to stop - Have already posted on another board about the ISA / savings a few weeks back so any spare money is going to go into a savings account but this is where ive noticed a lot is being waste on OH lol

Well done, good luck!