Being too generous and how to stop?

dktreesea

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Yes now I have little debt. Previously I've had a joint debt with ex for £25k - so I HAVE been there counting pennies to buy bread etc. So because I've put all my flexi cash into my debts and nearly paid it off im not allowed back on the DFW board? and yes, if he moved in my benefit for Tax credit would drop by £50 a week. His income is nearly £300 a week so we would be better off by £250 a week if he moved in, not worse.

That could go a different way. Your income would drop by £50 a week. His income would be just what he has now. What if he wanted to keep that spending money for himself? What if he didn't want to be putting it into bills like gas and electricity?

I can see the pay off for him moving back in. He wouldn't have a flat to maintain and it frees up all his income for himself. But if you seriously think his income will be added to "the household income for the benefit of all family members", I think you may be in for a shock.

Think about it. He doesn't tell you what he does with his money. That's a person who wants to keep their finances separate. Definition of separate? For himself. You think he is going to allow you any control over his money? In your dreams. The first bill that comes along, you tell him you want his half. See what he says. He'll say something like he doesn't have it. His reasoning will be you paid it on your own up to now, so you don't actually need his money to pay it. It's your house, your bill. You should be able to afford it on your own. Keep in mind this is a guy who lives in his overdraft, so strictly speaking he never has any money, or only very briefly when his pay goes in, if it is sufficient to cover his overdraft.

Maybe his own bills will just be left unpaid as well. This could impact you, not because they are your debts but because they are being incurred and not paid at your address. I've lived at our present address for getting on for a decade. Every few months a bill collector comes around. We even have the occasional bailiff come around, one of whom put his foot in the front door to try to force his way in. I called the police. Who actually attended. Quickly, to my surprise. In time to give that same bailiff a formal caution. They are always looking for the same bloke. I wouldn't care about this; it's a hazard of renting. But it has had a slight impact on us, because it's not just you who counts for getting credit; it can also be your address.

The_Boss

Idiophreak wrote: »

He's the father of one of them, so why doesn't he?

Good point. Another sign that he is a waste of space loser more interested in paying for his high life.

glasgowsaver2011

does he pay CSA

notanewuser

Idiophreak wrote: »

He's the father of one of them, so why doesn't he?

And he's 'raised' the other as his own too, she even thinks of him as 'dad'.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

OH has raised dd1 from a young age so he is her 'dad' - this won't ever change even if we break up.

And the OP wants to change everybody's name to the partner she's not in a relationship with legally!


https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4492605

notanewuser

glasgowsaver2011 wrote: »

does he pay CSA

He pays a whopping £100 a month according to previous posts. That's about 7% of his net pay.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

dktreesea wrote: »

That could go a different way. Your income would drop by £50 a week. His income would be just what he has now. What if he wanted to keep that spending money for himself? What if he didn't want to be putting it into bills like gas and electricity? .

Which is the exact reason he doesnt live with me at the moment. The agreement is that he sorts his finances out before he moved back in - inc being debt free

notanewuser wrote: »

And he's 'raised' the other as his own too, she even thinks of him as 'dad'.

And the OP wants to change everybody's name to the partner she's not in a relationship with legally!

Could you also please also quote the rest of that thread where it says IN THE FUTURE / YEARS TO COME this is something we want to do (eventually) so are looking into it now because we know there are complications ... your quite good at quoting the sections you want to use in your arguement but not so much the rest of the thread...

So, im not allowed to work and (legally) claim tax credits, im not allowed holidays, and now not allowed to make future plans? Am i allowed to breathe or should i run that past you first?

Yes DD1 calls him "dad" seeing as her biological father has wiped his hands of her and ignores her when she walks towards him in the street and yes my PH/BF/Partner HAS been there for her - You dont physically need to be in the same room as someone to "be there" for them. He rings DD1 every night to talk to her about her day and how she is getting on. He's the one that has been there to the numerous hospital appointments shes had to have where he biological dad couldnt be arsed to turn up to. OH/BF/Partner doesnt do the daily stuff - ya know, the get up, feed them, clothe them, get them to school on time etc because he isnt there to - but as far as that little 5 year old is concerned - he is her dad. Whats your problem with that?

what about me is it that you dont like exactly? because you seem to be hell bent on a personal attack rather than the system? If you dont like my life style - tough. nothing I am doing is legally wrong despite what you believe. Theres an ignore button if i really upset you so much

The_Boss

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Could you also please also quote the rest of that thread where it says IN THE FUTURE / YEARS TO COME this is something we want to do (eventually) so are looking into it now because we know there are complications ... your quite good at quoting the sections you want to use in your arguement but not so much the rest of the thread...

Can I just ask you this...have you settled on him as your life partner? Because all logic says get rid and move on, but you seem to not want to and even have future stuff planned?

dktreesea

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Which is the exact reason he doesnt live with me at the moment. The agreement is that he sorts his finances out before he moved back in - inc being debt free

But at what point will you be able to satisfy yourself that is the case? He doesn't tell you what he spends his money on. Does he want to move back in with you? You'll know because if he did he would have had his finances well and truly sorted by now. Moving out will have been the incentive needed. If he still hasn't then he's a guy who prefers the single life to settling down with a family.

Tixy

Focusing on the original question - So you do want to be in a relationship with him, but want him to stop taking you for a ride with over finances.

I'd think about 2 options
- you tell him how you feel and that you won't be doing it anymore, you probably argue, and then when the dust settles you stick to your guns and he either starts paying his way or ends the relationship.

- you try the softer approach, almost weaning him off expecting you to pay for things. As someone suggested starting to tell him you can't afford to do things. If he currently knows your financial situation then you could stop sharing that info with him to start with. When he next 'needs' something new like a suit tell him you can't afford to buy it but you could probably help contribute maybe £20 if he can find the bulk of the money (don't hand him the cash over though until he is actually making the purchase).

Please can people remember that this board in particular is for support not judgement.

notanewuser

I did quote the thread in the post. It's not possible to quote a 100+ post thread in its entirety here!!

I have no axe to grind against you personally. However, you are playing your life out on here and it's clear you are manipulating the system in order to maximise your benefits. I could make DH work away all year if I wanted to, abroad or on the moon for all it mattered, but that wouldn't make me a single parent. Your OH/partner/boyfriend is more than a weekend trampoline and you know it.