Feel like crying

newleaf

You are most definitely not 'a crap dad'!
My neice has quite severe dyspraxia, she's 16 now. Coincidentally, she's called Lucy too
Sometimes she does blurt odd things out like this, completely out of the blue. And she's also emotionally immature, so often gets weepy about things that she mithers about. These things are just part and parcel of the disorder I'm afraid, and would occur whether or not you were working away, but she has got to a stage where she can now understand a rational explanation, even if you do have to go over it a number of times. Just make the most of each other when you are together that will mean everything to her.
'Our' Lucy wasn't diagnosed until she was much older than your daughter, and for that reason she wasn't given the remedial help she deserved, but once diagnosed and properly supported she has come on in leaps and bounds. Just want to send you a virtual hug and to let you know that things will get easier as she gets older.

moonlightpjs

I had to come back DD after going away and not being able to get your post out of my mind. Not so long ago I started a thread, similar to yours, regarding a conversation I had with my son. Obvioulsy the conversation was not about what you are going through but at the time I thought my life had come to an end, I think the title of that posting was "My heart is broken" - over the following days, weeks and even months I was amazed by the support and kind, wise words other DFW's offered me and it eventually made me see that what I was doing wasn't wrong, I wasn't harming my son in anyway, in fact I was being a good mum.
Of course, I didn't have to make such a big decision as you do but it did make me understand that the difficulties, we as, parents have when trying to do the right thing by our children, we take whatever they say on board and to heart so quickly that sometimes we never see the bigger picture. Children have a mind that, in a good way, feels like the world revolves around them, which of course it does but as parents we hate the fact that our children sometimes feel upset, its only normal.

Well, what I'm trying to say that is that yes, Lucy probably does miss you when you work away, which child wouldn't? Children, like the rest of us, disablities or not, have good days, bad days, feel happy, feel sad etc etc and I do not think you should trouble yourself too much with what she has said today. Of course, its like a knife in your stomach when you hear something like that, but it was only a comment. As long as Lucy knows you love her (which I know you do) and that any time you have free you will spend it with her and lavish her with the love and attention she needs, she will always feel that she comes first. As she grows this will become more apparent to her and she will see just what you have done for her, your daughter.

You have a big decision to make and only you know what will be best for you as a family and you will reach the right solution but please do not think, for an instance that you are not doing all you can for her. You are being a Dad and thats what some Dads have to do, for example (and I hope he won't mind me using him as an example) Lenny. Your love is unconditional and will always be there for Lucy and she will in time know this, she will be able to say "My Daddy puts me first" and that, no matter what route you take, is something to be very, very proud of xxxx

Bunnyinthelights

Dearest DD,
I don't have many words of wisdom but I do know that if you offer unconditional love to Lucy as you are doing she will know that she is loved.
My DH works shifts and often the children say how much they miss him-he's just a lot more fun than boring 'ol me!
I would continue to do what you feel will ultimately help your family the most. We ALL feel guilty about something as parents.
I wish you love and support to you and your wife,
Bunny x

samanthag

hi dd
i am an l.s.a working in a mainstream school on a 2-1 basis of a boy who has severe dyspraxia and i also have a son who has a severe learning difficulties
the boy who i look after in school needs alot of help i sit next to him in every lesson and also with a little girl who has downs syndrome
you might be surprised in the future at how well she may do in a mainstream school i can only go by the experiance i have had with the boy that i work with on a daily basis
he is able to copy of the board independantly
he can answer lots of questions that are asked by the teacher
if he cannot keep up with the work then i will write the work in his school book and he will scribe underneath it
he is immature for his age but he has lots of friends and copes well in a mainstream enviroment
on a personal level with my son who is 11 i chose not to send him to a mainstream school as i felt that he would not cope at all and i am so glad that i took that decision
i decided to send him to a special needs school and he loves it he has been there since he was 3 and he has 2-1 help also
does your daughter attend a mainstream primary school now or a special school?
is she statemented if she isnt yet then she may well be in the future and then any school she does attend has to follow the guidelines set by the educational psycologist
hope this helps a bit
and please dont feel guilty i know its easy for me to say you sound like a lovely daddy
sammy x

tigtag02

Hey you

Big Hugs.

First of all you are NOT a crap dad, are you listening?

Its a really tough one this and I could argue a good case for either side but its a choice that you and Mrs Dither need to make together and everyone else (I'm late as usual ) has voiced a good points either way. Having said that I just KNOW that whatever choice you and Mrs Dither make it will be the RIGHT one for your family because you are a commited mummy and daddy :)

I would also like to second what Snaggles said and not base anything on one comment from Lu - as you know my little legs is the same age and she can not only stick the knife in but give it a good twist

Know that we are thinking of you
Lotsa Luv
tigtag

catewithers

I can't believe how awful the school are being about this. They simply cannot insist that Lucy doesn't wear nappies but not deal with the inevitable consequences because they "don't like it.". That's simply appalling and I think you have every right to make a formal complaint.

You are a great Dad - from what I've seen on these boards you adore your family and everything you do is about making life better for them.

So no more of this "i'm a crap father" talk or I'll come and beat you round the head with a wet trout.

blackangeluk

Hi DD

First of all you most definately are not a crap dad otherwise you wouldn't be feeling guilty! You can only do what you think is right for your family. I have a DD and she can say things when her Dad is away, but she also copes very well and loves spending time with him when he is back.

If you don't think you can get a better home based salary, then all you can do is know you are doing what is right and make the most of the time at home.

Have a good holiday and stop beating yourself up!

katepnlo

I just had to chime in here too. My daughter.....who is also Lucie lol has a genetic disorder, she has many areas that are very similar to dyspraxia.
I just wanted to say i was a nervous wreck just a few years ago the whole school thing REALLY worried me. (Lucie is 7 now..so it was when she was 4 i was in bits)
i have an older daughter who was already in school, but i knew that school was not the place for Lucie, it just wasn't right. I visited every school in a 10 mile radius, before i was looking i had my heart set on one, but when we visited it just didn't click, we ended up looking at one which was in fact just down the road from us, i came out knowing it was the right place!
she started school, very bad speech delay, struggled with mobility (my girly could fall over thin air!)
But i liked how they looked at the bigger picture. I can say when she was in nursery, the lea wanted her in a special school, i wasn't keen.i thought she could cope in mainstream. She has/is. She is on school action plus, no statement. But they have been MOSTLY brilliant with her, i have had occasions where i have gone in to say i am not happy about something but it has been looked into.
For a child who was expected to be very behind................she is average in most stuff, slightly behind in some and now EXCELLING in other areas.
We still have allot of 'lucie-izems' as we call them but what i am trying to say is when we found the right place for her it all fitted in given time. Things improve, the first 5 years of lucies life...was....hard...sad..stressfull but it started to improve and now it is better than it ever has been (still hard sometimes but bliss compared to when she was little)

I would not be happy with how the school is dealing with things. someone needs to go in or complain to the LEA. We were lucky and managed to get LucieismsLucie's out of nappies before she started school (dry now in day sometimes at night) but in a nursery where nappies were not allowed they made allowances for LucieLucie.

As for work......sigh..its a tough one. firstly do you claim DLA / careers allowance...this can help hugely.
if you have a disabled child tax credits go up.
10k a month would be bliss!!!!! you know i love the thought of all that money but from a mums point of view when times were really tough, i would have given anything for hubby to be able to be at home more...
If you have no debts could you not do it for say another year and pay off/towards your mortgage and then get a job with fewer hours,less pay. At that point if your mortgage was minimal and budgeted you could get away without needing to earn huge amounts and like i say DLA etc can be a huge help.

How does your wife cope with it all does she have a support network while you are away?
kate

Dithering_Dad

Thanks everyone for your really nice comments. I feel much better about things today - because Mrs DD was rushing about with shopping and swimming and picking up Lucy after we chatted on MSN messenger, I didn't have a chance to talk over how I felt with her so you all helped by being my Mrs DD substitutes!

We chatted for ages last last (the MSE way via a free Skype connection!) and we'll carry on with me working within my own company on a contract, by contract basis until we've either got enough money or we have totally had enough. I'll also try my best to find contracts that are more easily accessible - where I am now takes 8 hrs to get to and needs two flights - so that I'm not as tired at the weekends. We'll also make sure that I am home every weekend from now on.

As far as the Dyspraxia is concerned, (which I think is what causes me a lot of the pain I have about being away all of the time) Mrs Dither will write to the LEA to push for extra support, and if we have to threaten court action to do it then so be it (might as well put this contract money to use and give it all away to a solicitor!).

We'll also pay for speech therapy and physio ourselves. Lucy used to get this when she was in nursery but it stopped when she went into reception because the school had to take it over. Lots of form filling and delays later we're still waiting. This isn't necessarily the schools fault and I think I may have misrepresented them in my posts. They have been very supportive, but unless they get funding from the LEA, they can't do a great deal. The LEA will be pleased that we are stumping up the cash for Lu because I'm sure this is their game. They (rightly) assume that people who are slightly better off will simply pay for all this out of their own pockets, so they can target their money at the kids of people who are on the breadline. I didn't realise that basic services that are supposed to be supplied to all children were means tested in such an underhand way. How naive of me. :rolleyes:

Anyway, as some of my contract money will go directly towards helping Lu now and in the future (with additional tuition and anything else she needs) I feel better for being away and I'll just try to take more holidays. This is a real bugbear actually because everytime I take a week off, I lose almost £3000 in billing and then have to also pay for the holiday itself, you can imagine how much physical pain that causes to a dedicated MSEer!!

Thanks also for the nice comments about my parenting, though I doubt I'm any different from any other Dad - we all go a bit doo-lally when our daughters start crying. However, Mrs Dither deserves all of the praise, she fights like a tiger against the LEA and to get Lu the support she needs from specialists, the school, etc. She is the one who spends ages writing the letters, taking Lu to and from the appointments and provides tuition to her every evening for her reading and counting. She does all this with patience and kindness and is just about the most incredible person I have ever met. Blimmin' heck, why do I always start "filling up" whenever I start writing about my special girls on MSE???

Oh, we're also looking at maybe getting a "nanny" to help out with lu so that my missus gets a bit of a break while I'm away. We struggle for baby sitters because of the way Lu is, usually it all falls onto my Mum to do (Mrs DD's parents died when she was a kid and she is an only child, so my family is all she has - god help her!) but Mum's getting on and Lucy is pretty exhausting. We'll have a look for a special needs Nanny (if such a beast exists) and this will take the weight of everyone!

Snaggles

DD I'm so glad to hear you sounding happier and more positive today, Mrs Dither sounds as though she deserves a medal too....what a star!! Your daughter is lucky to have such fab parents.