Feel like crying

Dithering_Dad

As some of you might know, I started my own company and have been working abroad to try and initially get rid of my debts and then to clear our mortgage. I was doing this because my daughter (Lucy) has a learning difficulty called Dyspraxia and will struggle with her education. I wanted to be in the financial position to be able to pay for private school or after school tution and to help her in any way I could throughout her life.

Prior to working abroad and starting my own company I was working on a project for my former employer, where I worked at a different office from mine and was away all the time. I was paid extra for being away. All in all I have now been away for over a year, with just holidays and weekends at home.

I've just had the following MSN message with my missus:

Mrs Dither says:
did you sleep okay last night
Dithering Dad says:
yep, went to sleep at about 8:30 or 9 and slept through pretty much until 7am. I did wake up a couple of times, but only for 10 mins or so. Still feel crap though, hate having to work with a cold (well, let be honest pneumonia).
Mrs Dither says:
well you'll be home on friday... lu was crying again because she doesn't 'see (her) daddy very much...' Ahhhh
Dithering Dad says:
awwww
Mrs Dither says:
right... got to go and unpack the shopping... didn't go on monday as felt too ill... taking lu swimming tonight
Dithering Dad says:
why did lu suddenly say that?
Mrs Dither says:
i was brushing her teeth, and she suddenly said 'I don't see my daddy very much' and started crying
Dithering Dad says:
geeze , how bad does that make me feel?
Mrs Dither says:
she's getting older and noticing stuff more. i told her you'd be around more soon and that cheered her up...
Mrs Dither says:
got to go and unpack the shopping ... i have to pick up lu soon.
Mrs Dither says:
bye
Mrs Dither says:
love you
Mrs Dither says:
xxxx
Dithering Dad says:
love you
Dithering Dad says:
xx


That's knocked me for 6, I can tell you. So what do I do - carry on working away for the next 3/4 years and be able to pay off our mortgage and help lu in the future or get a local job on a (LOT) less money, not be able to do much of anything to help lu financially but be there every day?

To put this in perspective, I earn about 10k a month working away. Due to the nature of the work I do, most of my contracts will be either in London or other European capitals. We are relient on my income because my wife can only manage part-time work because of caring for Lu and soon that may end because the council won't provide a full time teaching assistant for Lu, so my wife will have to go into school to help.

If I give up this lark, we'll be struggling for a few years until Lu progresses to the point that my wife can start working again. We'll get by and have a good enough life, but will be pretty much living from pay check to pay check and won't be able to pay for any additional tuition or a private school.

God, you think you're doing the best by your kids and then it turns out you're a crap dad.

Seaxwyn

Could your wife and daughter move to London, or travel with you?

ZTD

What are you like when you are there? Tired? Or do you make loads of time for her?

It's the perennial working parents' problem - time vs money. And GUILT is right through the middle of that like a stake through the heart...

Do what you're doing, but when you do spend time - spend time.

misspoppy

Hi

I'm sorry this has pulled at your heart strings and made you feel bad but i can see your logic in working away. Have you sat down and explained why you work away to your daughter? You don't need to give her all the details but some of them. Have you thought about getting a webcam so you can see her every day? I think the best thing is to concentrate on the positives of working away but look at may be reducing the number of years you are planning on doing it for.

I don't have kids but i bet they say things that tug at their parents heart strings all the time, its not like you've abandoned her is it?

Dithering_Dad

Seaxwyn wrote: »

Could your wife and daughter move to London, or travel with you?

She's in school now and doing OK so we can't move her. My contracts are generally 3/6 months and all over Europe so I couldn't drag them with me.

ZTD wrote: »

What are you like when you are there? Tired? Or do you make loads of time for her?

It's the perennial working parents' problem - time vs money. And GUILT is right through the middle of that like a stake through the heart...

Do what you're doing, but when you do spend time - spend time.

This is so true (time v money). I am tired a lot when I get back home. I usually get back at 10pm on Firday night and then I'm off again at 3:45 Monday morning. When I'm home there always seems to be a load of rushing about trying to get stuf done before I go away again.

misspoppy wrote: »

Have you sat down and explained why you work away to your daughter?

She's only 5 and has learning difficulties so won't understand. She must think that "work" is a swear word though. I speak to her on Skype, but she gets upset because she can't play with her Daddy. I think a webcam might make things worse, but its an option for the future.

atypicalblonde

Hi DD, not much practical advice but virtual support coming your way from me. How old is your daughter? Please don't feel too down xx

Debt_Free_Chick

Dithering_Dad wrote: »

I wanted to be in the financial position to be able to pay for private school or after school tution and to help her in any way I could throughout her life.

Is this your only option? Doesn't the Local (Education) Authority have a duty to provide special assistance for special needs children?

quantumleap

You clearly aren't a crap Dad! There is a choice to be made that only you and your wife can make.

I've a 3 year old son and a 6 month old daughter and work in I.T. I could make quite a bit more money by taking up contracts but that would mean spending much less time with my wife and kids.

I choose not to do that. However, I live by the philosophy that "yesterday's history, tomorrows a mystery but today is a gift" and I want to enjoy my children when they are children. However, I'm in the fortunate position of having a low mortgage and no debt. Whilst I recall you posting previously, I don't recall your financial position.

It is for you and your wife to sit down and discuss what is best for the family and make a decision. I don't think anyone on here can really help you with that decision to be honest.

I wish you well.

Rout

My dad worked away for years when I was younger, I didn't appreciate why at the time, but realise now that everything he did was for my sister and I. I know now that he hated being away from his wife and kids, and we both know now that he selflessly worked in another country for years so our life would be better. He still has the manky old photograph of us that he kept in his briefcase and woke up to every morning.

This may not help right now, but in time your daughter will know that all you have done is for her. Thats certainly doesnt make you a bad dad. If they were all like you the world would be a much better place I reckon.

Michael.

Lucy1982_2

Hi Dad (hope you don't mind being called that!)

I'm 24 and haven't seen my father since I was 12 (my choice). One day she will understand what you have done for her. Plus so long as you make the time for her and do special Daughter/Dad stuff she'll be fine.

Also try to remember that while you may not be there you are always at the end of the phone/email/postcard. My Dad was in the Army and I would collect the postcard's he sent me. Try not to worry about it, everything will be fine and also think about why you are doing this. You want to give you daughter the best chance in life. There is nothing wrong with this. You love your daughter that much if obvious.

Is there anyway that your wife and daughter can come out and visit you? I'm sure she would love that. At least she can tell her friends she saw Dad in whichever city. Try to make this as enjoyable for her as it is important for you. Because while your not there as much as you would like, you are doing what is best for everyone.

Keep smiling one day she will thank you for this and love you all the more.

elantan

could you maybe compromise and work away maybe just 2 years instead of the 4 you will still have some debt (possibly i dont know) but if you are wise in the two years and pull out all the stops it might make life a wee bit easier on you when you do decide to come back full time ...sorry if this doesnt make any sense written down it did in my head