Feel like crying

Dithering_Dad

Dead_Eye_Jones wrote: »

10k a month! Thats a lot of cash by anyone's standards! How much money do you really need? Presumably you could buy a small house outright with that income and be less reliant on future large earnings. Lets face it, most of us get by on a lot less money, a guy at my work has two severely disabled kids and seems to be able to provide for them on a fraction of that income - but I guess everyone's story is different. Ijust wonder if you are wasting cash elsewhere or if you expectations are out of line. Other people cope..?!

Maybe some lifestyle changes can save you some cash. If I were you Id be tempted to do 1-2 years and ensure that every penny is saved, Id then buy a modest house mortgage free. Alternativly, are you able to do one or two contracts a year and spend some time at home. Sounds like you'll still be earning more than most of us!


Best of luck, being away from family is not fun

I know what you mean, 10k is a lot but I haven't been earning that for long and have been paying off my debts and then creating an emergency fund, so we haven't really seen any benefit from the money (apart from not having any debts to worry about).

We live pretty frugally and certainly don't splash out, we only have 1 car, our TV is about 10 years old, and our computer was 5 years old until it finally gave up the ghost and forced us to get a new one.

The "other people cope" comment is really putting your finger on my dilemma.. Do we just want to "cope"? What torments me with this job is that I have an opportunity to really put some major cash away that could set up our family for good, but the cost is that my family won't see much of me.

The alternative is that I could put a bit away over the next year and then get a "normal" job. But what if I get made redundant in 10 years time and then struggle to get a job, would I kick myself for not "making hay while the sun shone"? Maybe I think too much!

rayday2

Having a child with a disability or any child really is not all about the education they receive.

You sound like a really loving Dad and if it is tearing you up being away from them and tearing your child up then you will all benefit more being together.

As for education you can get just as good education in state schools you just have to invest yourself in them. Becoming a governer certainly shows your dedication and that in turn will make sure your views get heard and problems addressed.

I am not over looking the fact your child has a problem I work with all kinds of disabled young people from mild dyslexia through to autism and cerebal palsy and definately parents have to learn to bang tables and demand a lot. I hope you are both getting as much support from the school, even social servies they are not just there for taking children away! They can ensure you get all the help you are entitled too as well as specialist charities specific to your daughters needs.

But a good dad like you with a fantastic daughter should be together! I am sure with all the great advice you have had money saving you would find a way to combine all your goals anyway!

catewithers

Dithering_Dad wrote: »

But what if I get made redundant in 10 years time and then struggle to get a job, would I kick myself for not "making hay while the sun shone"? Maybe I think too much!

I think too much too!!! I know what you mean!! And then you just end up getting choice paralysis and being unable to make a decision! Blimey, I get like that just with menu's!!! :rotfl:

I think all you can do is do what feels right now. If you start thinking about all the what if's then you're !!!!!!ed (scuse my french!) cos there's no way of telling what's going to happen in 10 years. Yes you might get made redundant, but then again you might not! Sit down with Mrs DD and go through all the pros and cons of the different choices and make a decision. When you've made that decision, rest easy knowing that you're doing what you think is best for your family and don't beat yourself up in the future if something happens that you couldn't possibly have seen coming and it puts a spanner in the works.

Amarillo

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low DD. I am a little further down the line from you with the dyspraxia thing and have thought long and hard about the whole education thing. Have thought about going down the private school route but I've been cautioned about it by a number of people. In the state sector you get much better access to the NHS resources that are available. For example our local hospital has a co-ordination clinic where the children get excellent sessions with paediatric Occupational Therapists and Physiotherapists. From what I have heard it is harder to get referrals when you are out of the state sector. Your daughter is young which is great as it means that time is on your side. I bet you will be amazed at how much progress she makes in a few short years.

I do think that at this age it is tough, it's hard on you all as a family dealing with a diagnosis that I'm guessing you haven't had for too long. It throws everything up in the air and does take some time to settle. As a family we found the first couple of years post diagnosis really tough and my DH was working horrendously long hours at the time. My personal feeling is that the years between about 4 and 9 are really important and huge improvements in all areas of motor skills etc can happen during this time. The exercises that you get from physio / OT are quite time consuming and I think it will be quite a lot for your wife to do on her own, I found dealing with the whole thing mentally and physically exhausting. It is so much easier now DH is around more to help out.

10k a month is a lot of money by anyone's standards but I wonder whether it would be an idea of changing strategy a bit for now ? One thing that makes a difference I think is where you are in the country, your point about the resources available where you are is a really good one. I think there is a huge post code lottery on the help you get available. Would it be worth while having a think of moving somewhere where there is more help available and you take a permanant job with less salary and maybe a smaller house, so you can be around for more of the time ?

I absolutely promise that this will become easier in a few years and I fully understand why you are doing what you are doing, but I suspect that you are having a reaction to your DD's diagnosis (which we all get in some shape or form) Sorry if I am way off target. This is very long and waffly but I hope there's something in it which might help a little, even if that it's you're not alone with this.

ZTD

Dithering_Dad wrote: »

The alternative is that I could put a bit away over the next year and then get a "normal" job. But what if I get made redundant in 10 years time and then struggle to get a job, would I kick myself for not "making hay while the sun shone"? Maybe I think too much!

Or you could put little gaps between your contracts, so you do get a bit of time with your daughter. Let her know that it is her time - but it won't last forever. Then she can "make hay while the sun shines" during those periods.

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

Hi dithering dad
Thought I'd share this with you because you offered me support and sound advice during my "epic", when my husband had a near fatal heart attack at 39 he had to give up his job (HGV mechanic) which was local but involved shift work. He found a job as a part time school caretaker and one day soon after ds no2 (then aged 7) was talking in the car with ds no1 (aged 12) and ds no3 (aged 5) and said "I'm sorta glad dad had the heart attack" his brothers asked "why" and he replied "cause we see more of him now and spend time together". We had never thought how little they saw of their dad before this and it really did make us think.
I really understand and admire your commitment to your family, my feelings now (and please remember these are purely my feelings I'm not judging you!), time with my boys now aged 19, 14, 13 and dd 5 is priceless. In my own way I refuse to "worship the great god that is money", we don't go abroad, no designer clothes, new cars etc etc but we share time and build memories. We both work for for relatively low wages and our income is well below the national average but we're not "poor" and I know the children appreciate all we have. However most of our family and friends enjoy the success of their hard work and wealth and I appreciate why they chose to do it. We must all live as we see fit and occasionaly (as you are doing now) take stock and make sure what we're doing is what we really want and if it is great and if not see what changes can be reasonably made to make things better. Take care.
love and hugs
IDA
xx

Dithering_Dad

weller711 wrote: »

Hi DD
I'm sorry to hear that you're so upset. My son, Samuel who is 7 also has Dyspraxia, he didn't speak until he was nearly 5 and has really bad co-ordination, he also has had learning difficulties and I must say that going to school full time has brought him on in leaps and bounds, he still stuggles a bit but is doing so much better. We appplied for Learning Assistance when he was statemended (sp?), has Lucy had this? and whilst we were not given full days, he now has half a day 3 times a week one to one with a Teaching Assitant who is a saint. (Originally this was 5 days a week in Reception). Is it all possible to move Lucy to a different school where the teaching assitants are not too stretched IYKWIM?

Also, just an idea but we tried giving Sam EYE Q liquid - he has about three spoonfuls a day and this has helped him no end, in fact I would go as far to say that I don't think he would be where he is now without it. His reading and writing have improved dramatically and his speech, whilst not always understandable to other people when he talks quickly, is fantastic. I cannot recommed it enough.


Big Hugs to you xxx

Hi Weller, Lucy has just been statemented but the council will only provide 1/2 a day for her. Other LEAs provide full time support for kids with less difficulties in her school, but ours won't because of the reasons I've mentioned before.

Lucy also has physical difficulties and so we have to buy special shoes, etc that cost way more than mine do (and you know how often you have to buy shoes for kids). Lu is also still in nappies as she can't feel or doesn't care that she needs to go to the toilet, so they're costing money (though we have just found out that we can get 4 a day for fee as she counts as incontinent now - I think due to her age).

The school is insisting that Lucy wears knickers instead of nappies because she will never get toilet trained otherwise (even though on of the specialists thinks there may be a physical reason). This means that my wife will have to go to the school to change her everytime she has an accident - can you imagine. We tried this a while ago and Lucy was left sitting in her own crap for ages because the teacher didn't know. It was al dried on and she ends up with infections. I mean, can you just imagine how upsetting that is?

It makes you just want to sack it all in and just bloody well give up working. That way, maybe she'll get the help she needs.

Sorry for ranting, it's been building up for a while

dreams_R_free

You say your daughter is in school now and you don't want to uproot her. But if they are not willing to provide a teaching assistant for her I wouldn't worry too much about relocating your family. Maybe the LEAs in the London area are more sympathetic to Dyspraxia and are willing to fund the help which is much needed for this condition.

I've had plenty of experience teaching children with special needs both in special schools/units and mainstream schools. In my experience, for what it's worth:rotfl:, it was always a bad idea for the parent to be the child's classroom assistant, not from the school's point of view of course, but for both parent and child in the long run.

Whatever you decide, Good Luck:beer: . It must be a heartbreaking situation for a caring Dad.

Dithering_Dad

Amarillo wrote: »

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low DD. I am a little further down the line from you with the dyspraxia thing and have thought long and hard about the whole education thing.

Hi Amarillo, would it be OK to PM you - half the problem is that we don't know anyone else going through this, so just speaking to someone who has been through it will help massively, especially my wife as she shoulders all of the responsibility while I'm away.

I just have no idea what her future will be like so a lot of my fears is that I'll need to support her for much longer than I would normally have thought (18 and they're thrown out the door and have to fend for themselves ).

I have this daft idea (or maybe not so) that not only do I need to provide for my home, pension, etc. but will also have to provide for hers??

rayday2

When I worked for an estate agent several people moved from Nottinghamshire to Derbyshire to get more support for children with difficulties - its not right but thats life!

I would rather change a school than have her sit in poo! Surely she has an individual education and support plan and on there toileting should be a point that she needs help with. It could be more of a case that the TAs don't want to do it. At the school we work with only one TA at the whole team will help with toileting.