Feel like crying

Toto

DD, I've had to work away a lot over the years and my kids at times have cried and suffered because of it. Having 2 working musicians for parents isn't as much fun as it sounds. They spent much of their pre-school life on tour busses and post school being cared for by nannies. It broke my heart to leave them but we had to eat, pay the bills and give them a decent lifestyle. So if a gig came in, we had to take it.

Then, we decided to start our business, with the goal that at least one of us would be home on a regular basis. However, during the first year and a bit we worked like dogs, we would regularly work 72 hours straight through, we still went away on tours and to top it all we were skint. This is when our debt grew and grew. We saw the potential in our business so kept slogging away but the kids were getting quite unhappy. Not only did they have parents who were always working but we had no money either. For a while there it seemed we had made a mistake, instead of improving things for the kids we had doubled their misery.

Slowly though, last year things started to turn around. Yes we had to sell our house to get rid of the debt, but the business was doing great and we were finance free. We had managed over that couple of years to build a business which had £400,000 in equipment bought and paid for. Suddenly we had no interest payments at all and something fab happened. For the first time in years we had choices.

So, I chose to stop working away, to be more of a mum to the kids. We might be selling the business, still not 100% on that yet. We have a great lifestyle and we are all so much happier. My youngest has multiple learning difficulties so time for her is important.

The point to this book is, sometimes we need to do things that wrench our heartstrings, we have to be places we don't want to be and mop up the tears of the ones who hate that we are away. But, there is a goal, and that goal is providing a great life for our kids, to be able to choose to spend time with them and not have the restrictions of no money. Kids soon forget the times when you were away, mine hardly mention it now, and certainly haven't suffered long term because of it. They love that I now can choose to stay home and bake a cake, but understand what needed to be done to get there. I would still be on the road all of the time if we hadn't put ourselves through all the suffering of the last 3 years.

So, stick to your plan. Make sure when you are home you do something that is just dad and lu, take her to a football match, roller skating, I don't know, anything. Find a hobby which is just you and her. That precious time you give her will provide her with lovely thoughts while you are away and give her something to really look forward to when you are home.

We all know how much you love your wife and lu and so do they. You're a great dad who is making the biggest sacrifice a parent can make for their child. As much as it hurts keep going forward, because one day you will have all the time in the world for your family.

Dithering_Dad

Thanks Toto. You're so reasonable and kind. I wish I'd married you instead if that baying hellhound, Mrs Dither (sorry private-ish Snaggles joke).

Seriously, I am feeling better and do know that we all have to make sacrifices in life that we hope will prove worthwhile. Just a shame we don't all have crystal balls and then we'd know we were doing the right thing.

Isn't life hard when you're a grown up? I which I was 5 again and charging about the playground without a worry in the world!

sammy115

Hi DD

Not been around much lately (eye problems - self inflicted) and just caught up with your post.

Not read all the replies but hope I have the general gist of stuff.

My twopennorth. My parents both musicians who worked away a lot and then when they were at home slept a lot, then split up and I saw little of my father after that. I haven't seen my dad for 15 years and that is my choice. I can tell you that if he had shown the slightest bit of interest in me over the years it would be a different story now.

There is no answer to your question. As long as you love your daughter and she knows it then I can't really see a problem. She may miss you when you are away but spend quality time with her when you are together and those memories will stay with her for the rest of her life.

My OH spent a couple of years travelling and it was hard for me and the kids but now he is at home all the time and money is a struggle - its still hard!!

Your working to give your daughter a choice. That is admirable. Make hay whilst the sun shines. I think a web cam would be great.

dreams_R_free

I'm so glad you seem happier now DD. A big hug for Mrs D as she is one in a million.

I had to laugh about your 'decision making' driving Mrs Dither crazy. DH drove me to distraction when he had the option of early retirement. We spent ages talking about it and weighing up the financial implications and the opportunity was just too good to pass up. I was 100% in favour of it. But was he happpy with that? No chance. He drove me so crazy with his 'should I have applied?', 'do I really want to do it?', 'can we really afford it?', 'what have I done...?' etc etc that he was lucky he lived long enough to get his retirement:rotfl:

tiff

I think you should do what is right for you and your family. In my own situation we decided to strike a balance between my husbands work and home life. He has a well paid job but could go higher, but doing that means more commitment to the company and more time away from home. My husband didnt want to be away from them while they were young so he is staying put for now. You seem to have worked things out in your mind, so stick with it, £10k a month is one hell of a salary!

PigginSkint

Hi DD

Worrying comes with the territory for parents, I am afraid! We just have to do our best to do what we feel is right for our families. (and s*d the rest of them!)

I have a 12 year old son who has autism (high functioning) and is also hypermobile which means he has loose joints. This has given him some difficulties in the past and still does really – when he was smaller and all the children used to sit on the carpet for whole class teaching he would find it very difficult to sit still. He also had difficulties holding a pen or pencil and even now his handwriting is an issue!

We were lucky that DS got a statement early – in his 2nd term at school, when he was 5. I remember when he started school they (and we) questioned whether he should be in mainstream at all. I was very keen that he should stay in mainstream until such time as we felt that there was no other option – luckily, the fact that he did get a statement so early meant that he got the support that he needed which meant that he was able to cope with it. He struggled through Reception and Year 1 but when he got into Year 2 he was in a class with a teacher who was very experienced at dealing with children with special needs and he came on in leaps and bounds! Now he is still in mainstream, in his first year at secondary school and doing very well. He is in a slightly unique position of having special needs but no learning disability - in fact he is very bright and in the top sets for English and Maths etc. Special needs support in his school tends to be focussed on the lower sets because that’s where most of the special needs children are.

I could ramble on but what I wanted to say is that the fact that your daughter is only 4 and already has a statement is good – that is half the battle. However, I have learnt that parent power is very effective (if the LEA weren’t giving us what we wanted the SENCO at DS’s school would ask me to contact them to give them a push because it would more effective than if the school did it) therefore if you feel that your daughter isn’t getting the support that she needs, contact the LEA to insist on it.

The other thing I wanted to say is that it does get better – honest! When I think back to how DS was at the age of 4 and compare that with how he is now, we would never have thought that he would come so far!

Oh and one final thing...:grouphug:

halia

I havn't any answers but wanted to share some thoughts and support

we have a 2yr old with suspected LD and we are thinking about schooling - possibly private. Thankfulyl because of variuos choices we've made so far we are unlikely to face the working away from home thing that you do - however we have had a few decisions about amount of time at work v family over the past few years.
The balance is always up to you as a family, but in your shoes I'd stay working away for a bit longer.
Other thoughts - SOME state schools are great, some NHS services are great but from our experience I'd prefer to go private. It took 18 months for the NHS to figure out what was wrong with my son - 30 mintues with a private consultant who ran a simple test and he was diagnosed - the NHS could have run that test at any time but decided to ignore him and let him suffer instead!

You do have more choice if you pay for education or health, I'd support anyone wanting to give their kids that opportunity.

£10k/month isn't alot of money by ANYONE's standards. its alot of money if you and your friends earn the average wage.
We dont' earn anything near that but I know people who are in the 80-150 bracket, if you are the sole wage earner and unlucky enough to live in an area of britian with high housing costs it can soon dissapear.
Just ignore anyone who seems to imply you must be wasting your cash on stuff to need to keep earning that amount!

Have you checked out the actual cost of private school and also the options for savings to pay for it? what about scholarships and burseries? it migh tbe less than you think.
We're looking ahead to secondary school (state primary) and there's one in our area which would cost £7k/yr for 7 years (£49k).
So we save about £300 a month and interest at 5% bumps it up so we have enough to pay for each year.

So look at schools - contact them early and talk about fee saving schemes, burseries, additional help for students with disabilities etc etc

and good LUCK

System

Hey up DD, speaking as a sailor, I sympathise with your feelings as I and many others are away a lot and I hope what I say now will not sound unsympathetic and condescending. I and other sailors and indeed other members of the Armed Forces deal with this kind of problem all the time. I know of people that have been away and missed the birth, I know of one lad on our submarine a couple of years ago missed the death of his son (entire submarine was devastated for him and I mean genuine devastation) and in one case last year one of the lads returned to the news that his wife had been buried for 6 weeks (the nature of our job means that people dont find out bad news until they get back) (outrageous I know but read on) - but what I am trying to say is that kids are made of tough stuff and in fact its the parents that suffer more because they are acutely aware of their own absence and how it affects the children. I'm a submariner for the money so I can pay the debt off quicker and I suppose like you is a necessary evil. I am preparing to disappear for 12 weeks shortly and mi son wont see me for those 3 months he's only 5 months old. Will he remember me when I get back, will he still smile at me? Is it gonna affect him, no I dont think so because he is too young. You have to ensure that your daughter sees you online, photos, videos, emails as much as she can and accompanied by explanations from her mother I think would probably serve to increase her joy when she sees you and lessen it whilst you are away. Whatever you decide you must do what you think is right, whatever that might be. Personally, I think you should stick with what you are doing and ensure that whenever you see her, make the time the most joyous time of all. Good luck, Lenny

Toto

That's a lovely post lenny, we're all great parents and our kids know this. Your son, DDs daughter and all of the MSE kids are one day going to realise how proud and lucky they are to have parents who have made these sacrifices to make their worlds a great place to be.

Dithering_Dad

Thanks Lenny, you really put everything in perspective. What is really great about MSE is that when you're down, just one post can get you in touch with people who are struggling through the same issues.

Suddenly you don't feel so alone with your problems.