Feel like crying

hypno06

Hi there DD, tough one this isn't it! Of course there is no right or wrong, and I don't have the answers, but I have sort of done this from both sides:

I had a good job and earnt the money (not as much as you, but pretty ok) giving us the security of cash in the bank. However, to work, my kids had nannies, childcare and holiday care and I wasn't able to take time off when they were sick etc. Then I had what my mum called my mid life crisis although at 35 I thought it was a bit premature, and gave up "proper" work, to become self employed, working at home. A lot less money but I am there after school, holidays etc. Ok we are skint but at the moment we are happy. And I don't get those "I'm such a bad Mother" moments!

What do the kids think? Well, they love the fact that I am around more. But., and it is a fairly big But, they were not unhappy the way things were. They are well grounded children who know that money doesn't grow on trees, and it needs to be earnt. They know that I didn't go to work to get away from them (well, sometimes I may have done ) but they know they are and always were loved unconditionally, even if I wasn't there all the time.

OH worked away during this time too, so they really had to adjust, but they did it and they did it really well and it has done no one any harm whatsoever.

So that is it from one side.

On the other side, as a child, my dad worked in the middle east. He worked 5 months on, 3 weeks off!!!

This was in the 80s and early to mid 90s. In those days there were no such things as e-mails, mobiles with texting, phone calls were restricted to "happy birthday" "I passed my o levels" "I'm getting married" and "I'm having a baby" because they were so expensive (the phone calls, not the babies!).

The only way to communicate was by letter - each one taking 2 weeks to arrive, so a reply took 4 weeks from your original letter!!!

Of course I missed my Dad. But those phone calls and letters were so special. I knew what he was doing and why. I got sent bits and pieces from the Middle East that were fab (still trying to tame the camel though), and I knew that whatever happened, he cared and he loved me, and that if anything happened, he would have been on the first plane home.

All that would have been so so much easier if we had the technology available to us now, but even without it, I survived. I am sane sometimes (ok, matter of opinion) and I still believe he did the right thing. My sister is disabled, had to go away to board at a special school so saw him even less. She also knows that he did what he had to do, and is fine with that.

Sadly the only negative thing I have to say now is that he died at 55. Now I wish for all the tea in china that he was still working away.

Basically, what I am saying is that whichever way you play it, it will be right. You will make a good decision. It will be your decision that is right for you and for your family. There will be sacrifices to make one way or the other, but whichever way, they will be compensated for in other areas.

Good luck, and don't feel bad about it. Feel good that you have a child that loves you, and make the most of the technology available to you. Webcam would be good I reckon x

Amarillo

Dithering_Dad wrote: »

Hi Weller, Lucy has just been statemented but the council will only provide 1/2 a day for her. Other LEAs provide full time support for kids with less difficulties in her school, but ours won't because of the reasons I've mentioned before.

Lucy also has physical difficulties and so we have to buy special shoes, etc that cost way more than mine do (and you know how often you have to buy shoes for kids). Lu is also still in nappies as she can't feel or doesn't care that she needs to go to the toilet, so they're costing money (though we have just found out that we can get 4 a day for fee as she counts as incontinent now - I think due to her age).

The school is insisting that Lucy wears knickers instead of nappies because she will never get toilet trained otherwise (even though on of the specialists thinks there may be a physical reason). This means that my wife will have to go to the school to change her everytime she has an accident - can you imagine. We tried this a while ago and Lucy was left sitting in her own crap for ages because the teacher didn't know. It was al dried on and she ends up with infections. I mean, can you just imagine how upsetting that is?

It makes you just want to sack it all in and just bloody well give up working. That way, maybe she'll get the help she needs.

Sorry for ranting, it's been building up for a while

That really is appalling, the school sound very unsupportive with all this. I can totally imagine how upsetting this must be. Have you thought about claiming Disability Living Allowance ? If she gets awarded this I think your wife would be eligible to claim carers allowance. I could be wrong but I think this is irrespective of your income. With your DD statemented I would be really suprised if she wasn't eligible for this, though the form is hideously long.

I really am unsure that they can insist on her wearing nappies. Can I suggest that if you haven't you think about posting on a special needs section of a parenting board, if you would like to PM me I can recommend one where there are a lot of people with children who have various conditions and have been through this sort of thing and they might be able to help a little. If nothing else it is a fantastic place for ranting to other people going through the same thing !

moonlightpjs

Dithering_Dad wrote: »

Hi Weller, Lucy has just been statemented but the council will only provide 1/2 a day for her. Other LEAs provide full time support for kids with less difficulties in her school, but ours won't because of the reasons I've mentioned before.

Lucy also has physical difficulties and so we have to buy special shoes, etc that cost way more than mine do (and you know how often you have to buy shoes for kids). Lu is also still in nappies as she can't feel or doesn't care that she needs to go to the toilet, so they're costing money (though we have just found out that we can get 4 a day for fee as she counts as incontinent now - I think due to her age).

The school is insisting that Lucy wears knickers instead of nappies because she will never get toilet trained otherwise (even though on of the specialists thinks there may be a physical reason). This means that my wife will have to go to the school to change her everytime she has an accident - can you imagine. We tried this a while ago and Lucy was left sitting in her own crap for ages because the teacher didn't know. It was al dried on and she ends up with infections. I mean, can you just imagine how upsetting that is?

It makes you just want to sack it all in and just bloody well give up working. That way, maybe she'll get the help she needs.

Sorry for ranting, it's been building up for a while

Bl00dy hell, I just can't believe it - what are they thinking of??? (sorry for swearing), I really do feel for you and can't begin to imagine how you feel and please don't apologise for ranting - I'd be doing more than ranting if I were in your shoes :mad:

Surely somebody out there must be able to help you, its seems they are doing so little, Lucy obviously needs more help and I can't understand why they won't offer that help. Oh, I know about "limited resorces" etc but this is really stupid.

You can't really win can you DD, if you don't do the work then Lucy doesn't get the proper care at a school that will cater to her needs and look after her properly and if you do carry on working like you are, then you see less of her and she is missing her Daddy. This country make my blood boil, it really does and I can't really say why I feel like this on a public forum but, oh, how I want to!!!!

Shineyhappy

I really am sorry that she is treated so appalingly. Have you complained? I would try and kick up as much fuss as possible and take in doctors notes.

I think you should definatly try and get your wife to join some sort of support group as this must be very hard for her to cope with whilst you are away.

I can definatly see why you want the money, so that whatever happens to her, you will be able to help her and that is very admirable.

rayday2

Had another thought with the issues regarding your child not being allowed to wear her nappies it could actually be inflicting some of her rights I am pretty sure it goes against the "every child matters" which all child professionals have to follow you should look into it and see if your wife feels up to standing up to the school maybe even contact OFSTED about it there is always something you can do! Its just not fair that we have to think that way.

Dithering_Dad

I do feel better having got all that out of my system. I'm a bit embarrassed too because I'm a pretty private person and feel I've let you all into my most secret fears and feelings. I'm glad I did though as I think it's helped.

I also feel a bit daft about moaning about earning 10k a month, when so many are struggling by on much less. In my defence though, I was also struggling along only a couple of months ago and much of my time away from home has been while employed by my former company, earning not a great deal. I think it's all just caught up with me because of my Lucy's comment. I think I'll see out the year and see how she gets along and then make my decision about my future.

I feel purged though, so thanks everyone for listening to me rant!

Amarillo

Sorry DitheringDad, I didn't see your bit about PMing me further up the thread. Please do, I do know exactly what you mean about not knowing what might happen in the future, I was very upset when DD first got diagnosed. But I do now firmly believe that with good help and support now, there is no reason that they can't do whatever they want in the future. Dyspraxia is a pretty new diagnosis that didn't exist when my DH was at school, if it had I am 100% sure he would have been diagnosed. It hasn't stopped him doing things he wants to do, his life would have been easier with more support when he was younger - my Mother in Law's comment when I tried to explain what dyspraxia is, was that she would have been too busy to notice, well I think she definitely was in DH's case.

Please PM me and we can have a chat about it all

rayday2

Don't apologise at all!

We all live on what we do and thats the way the cookie crumbles!

You are talking to a lass who burst into tears going into the doctors to get a second opinion on her daughters ears! Children attack our weak points and they are our future so we do want the very best. Trouble is sometimes I think we caught up with what is "the best" and loose track of what the children consider is "the best". But thats not a bad fault just a sign of our love!

Mozette

DD you sound like a fab Dad, little kids are really adaptable, but perhaps the suggestion a few posts up - would it be possible to have a few gaps in your contracts to spend a bit more time at home? But if you care what a complete stranger thinks, I think you sound to be doing a great job for your family, and I hope they appreciate that. I bet it's not easy on you either. It's only a few years, not a lifetime, and if the educational system is anything like I remember (a long long time ago) anyone who isn't average Joe/Josephine neeeds all the help they can get.
All the best.

Snaggles

Hi DD, poor you, you must feel horrible.

Can I ask though, has she just said it once or does she seem to be upset about it on a regular basis? Children do know (especially at that age) exactly what to say to inflict the most pain and guilt .....I have a six and a half year old and WOW he can stick the knife in when he wants to!

I suppose what I'm trying to say is don't rush into anything on the strength on one comment - she could have just been feeling a bit lonely because of something that happened at school and it manifested itself as suddenly missing her Daddy.

Keep giving her quality time and attention when you ARE at home with her, and maybe review the situation again on a regular basis to see if things are improving or getting worse.

You sound like a great Dad, I'm sure you will work this out.