When to tell an ex about the new partner's past

hollydays

HurdyGurdy wrote: »

Thank you all

I take on board all your replies and views. That's why I posted before I gave any opinions to my daughter. I freely admit I am woefully uninformed about drugs, and probably very naive about prospects of complete rehabilitation.

I do have respect for anyone who can admit they have a problem and seek help, and I really do hope that this man is successful in this. And I know that being a drugs user or ex user, doesn't per se make someone a danger to children, and therefore my grand-daughter is safe.

But all my instincts are screaming "tell her to run like the wind". I didn't want my own ignorance and prejudice to prevent her from developing a relationship, if I was just overreacting, which is why I asked the question here.

However, my OP wasn't about whether or not my daughter should enter into this relationship, but rather when or if she should tell her ex about the new man.

The majority view seems to be that she shouldn't have to. At least not until any relationship has developed and looks to be becoming a more serious one.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply, and I am grateful for the information that has been provided.

The phrase" ex drug user" is a problem to me.It seems all you know is he's in rehab, he wants apparently to give up drugs, but he's not completed the rehab, and I suspect the rehab is just the start
Of a journey. If she says " I'm seeing an ex drug addict, what if he says" how do you know he isn't using drugs now? And how do you?
Because someone she barely knows says so? I would like to stick my neck out here and also say while a drug taker may not be a danger to children, but a person who may be using stimulants and or depressants, or opiates or a cocktail of stuff is not either a person who's going to remember what he's doing or has done.what if he had drugs and left them lying around and the child got them.

Pechow

I believe in rehab they very strongly recommend that you don't even think about relationships for a while after completing, could be even a year or more. Talking about potentially starting one before he's even completed rehab is madness. It's a potential sign he isn't taking it all seriously. From this alone, and that he won't say what drug it is (unless the daughter knows and isn't telling), I'd be running a mile.

hollydays

Pechow wrote: »

I believe in rehab they very strongly recommend that you don't even think about relationships for a while after completing, could be even a year or more. Talking about potentially starting one before he's even completed rehab is madness. It's a potential sign he isn't taking it all seriously. From this alone, and that he won't say what drug it is (unless the daughter knows and isn't telling), I'd be running a mile.

Yes exactly . To the op , try googling something like, rehab- don't have relationships to read exactly what Pechow is saying, you could then ask your daughter " why is he considering a relationship when its usually discouraged at this stage. If he's numbed his mind with drugs, he probably doesn't really know who he is at the moment, and needs to focus solely on his recovery.

Loz01

What if the OP's daughters ex got into a relationship with someone who was a current/ex drug taker who was in rehab? She would probably be upset if he didnt reveal this and she found out some other way. So I'd say if it does lead into a relationship or something more then I would sit him down and tell him, be truthful that he has had problems and is seeking help (a good thing) and that they are (hopefully) taking it slow. I dont think thats spilling the beans too much about her new love life.

unschooler

I think the issue is thinking about this as the new boyfriend's past. It isn't his past. It's his present. He's still in rehab.