When to tell an ex about the new partner's past

paulineb_2

Just because someone is an ex user, doesnt mean they are not safe to be around a child. Or people who used to have addictions would never meet anyone and have families of their own.

HurdyGurdy

meritaten wrote: »

your DD has met someone who is trying to kick his habit? he expects to be there until July?
she is worried about telling her ex?
isn't she worried about herself or her child? if he is JUST a friend then why would she be telling anyone? either you are very naïve or you aren't telling all.

I don't quite understand what you mean about being naive.

She doesn't worry about herself or the child - why should she? She is only seeing him as friends at the moment. Not moving him in.

She just doesn't want to give her ex any "ammunition" to go for custody of the baby, and doesn't know if not telling him is tantamount to lying about it, and is being underhand.

Scrapaholic

If it was my daughter I think I'd advise her not to rush into anything . They may just remain friends . Why rush into telling the ex all the details . Is the ex likely to find out about the new friends past from someone else ? Are you worried about the new friends' past ? It's a difficult one . How would your daughter feel if her ex had a new partner who had been involved with drugs and was in contact with her baby ? You say your daughter doesn't know what kind of drugs her new friend was involved , hasn't she asked him ? If this was my daughter I do think I'd be worried and hope she wouldn't be rushing into anything too quickly . No offence intended , hope it all works out .

HurdyGurdy

justme111 wrote: »

It does not make sense.
Why does she have to talk with ex at all. Why does she have to tell him anything about her love life. Why does she think about it now when there is even no love life ?

She doesn't have to tell her ex about her love life. But as the child's father, I am sure he'd want to know what kind of person is in her (the baby's) life.

She is just very aware of how her ex can be awkward about things in general concerning the baby, and she doesn't want him to have anything to use against her. And maybe by concealing the new man's past, this could be something he ex could use?

HurdyGurdy

paulineb wrote: »

Its not common for rehabs to allow people outside to stay over with friends, unless its not a residential rehab. I would say tread very carefully, particularly if someone is just in the process of getting clean.

However, its none of the exes business as long as the child is safe, people can and do get over alcohol and drug issues.

Thank you. He is allowed one overnight "stop out" every three weeks, so he's not going to be spending nights at my daughter's home.

HurdyGurdy

Mojisola wrote: »

If you were the child's father and this friend became a fixture in your child's life, wouldn't you want to know that he had been a drug user to the extent that he needed to go into rehab?

This is why my daughter feels her ex *should* know. My daughter would want to know something about any partners her ex has who will be spending a reasonable amount of time with her daughter.

As I have said, she just doesn't know how he will take it, and is worried that he will use it as a reason to try to gain custody of the baby.

paulineb_2

HurdyGurdy wrote: »

She doesn't have to tell her ex about her love life. But as the child's father, I am sure he'd want to know what kind of person is in her (the baby's) life.

She is just very aware of how her ex can be awkward about things in general concerning the baby, and she doesn't want him to have anything to use against her. And maybe by concealing the new man's past, this could be something he ex could use?

He might use it more if she tells him shes seeing someone who used to use drugs. Seriously, until hes finished treatment and is clean and until your daughter and him actually decide whether or not to get together, I think shes worrying herself unnecessarily.

Ive worked with and also worked as colleagues beside people who used to heavily use drugs and who dont anymore and who have had relationships with people, people can get clean and stay clean, if they are willing to do it, get support and are ready.

Treevo

So your daughter is allowing her young child to spend time with a drug addict? No wonder she's terrified of telling her ex. I can't imagine a single thing that would make me knowingly put one of mine near a drug addict.

HurdyGurdy

PasturesNew wrote: »

It's none of the ex' business .... and there's nothing to tell.

I'd be worried that the new fella's seeing an easy nest to slide into.... as a single man his choice is some grim shared houses with ne'er do wells, or he can walk into a proper house with all the facilities laid on, meals cooked and washing done.

Sounds like a lot of "rushing" is going on here.

Sorry to sound flippant, but you clearly don't know my daughter!

No, he will definitely not be leaving rehab and walking into my daughter's home. He said there is a second stage to this rehab programme that he is hoping to be accepted on to, but if he is not successful then he is either moving in with his mother, or his grandparents.

paulineb_2

Treevo wrote: »

So your daughter is allowing her young child to spend time with a drug addict? No wonder she's terrified of telling her ex. I can't imagine a single thing that would make me knowingly put one of mine near a drug addict.

Theres a massive difference between someone who is a drug addict and someone who is in treatment for an addiction.

Id have an issue if this thread was entitled my daughter wants to go into a relationship with someone who uses drugs and who has no interest in getting clean

But thats not the situation here.