When to tell an ex about the new partner's past

Saturnalia

If this guy has only just started rehab, it's way too soon in his recovery journey to begin a relationship with him. If he'd been clean for a good few years and less at risk of relapsing, it would be a different story. But right now is a dangerous time for him.

No reason she can't carry on the casual friendship with him, but forget anything more than that.

hollydays

Average length of time to get off heroin is 12 years.

Get yourself informed.

Also heroin users make extremely convincing liars, many have been through abuse in their lives.They will say " I'm clean" time and time again, in reality, its a very difficult thing to do, so they delude themselves.

I would be concerned she is being sucked into his lifestyle by her willingness to " believe and help" get informed now -seriously.

I could look at someone and likely tell if they are on drugs, can you or she?

I also knew someone who lived with a drug user, he unfastened her gold necklace from round her neck while she slept as he left..

IM NOT PULLING ANY PUNCHES HERE, be very concerned .yes, they are all somebody's sons and daughters, but she's yours.

I do not believe that his counsellors would be advising him to go into a relationship,as him taking responsibility for his own behaviour would be a big part of his therapy I would think,your daughter helping , is likely enabling him to continue to look outside himself rather than look within himself.

paulineb_2

hollydays wrote: »

Average length of time to get off heroin is 12 years.

Get yourself informed.

Also heroin users make extremely convincing liars, many have been through abuse in their lives.They will say " I'm clean" time and time again, in reality, its a very difficult thing to do, so they delude themselves.

I would be concerned she is being sucked into his lifestyle by her willingness to " believe and help" get informed now -seriously.

I could look at someone and likely tell if they are on drugs, can you or she?

I also knew someone who lived with a drug user, he unfastened her gold necklace from round her neck while she slept as he left..

IM NOT PULLING ANY PUNCHES HERE, be very concerned .yes, they are all somebody's sons and daughters, but she's yours.

I do not believe that his counsellors would be advising him to go into a relationship,as him taking responsibility for his own behaviour would be a big part of his therapy I would think,your daughter helping , is likely enabling him to continue to look outside himself rather than look within himself.

Has it been said on the thread that hes a heroin user? If it has I must have missed it.

I worked with someone who tried and yes failed to get clean a number of times, but when he did it, he stopped taking drugs, he didnt use heroin but he used methadone, he used prescription drugs, he got clean and hes still clean 15 years on. And he was in a relationship with someone within a couple of years.

I absolutely appreciate the fact that people can take more than once to get clean and stay clean and I appreciate that relapse is a major issue.

But as I said before, people are individuals. If someone comes through treatment and manages not to use, they arent a risk to anyone.

There are people out there who use all kinds of drugs and are around kids, I see it every day where I live, some of them have numerous kids and social services are involved with the family but the kids havent been removed. And absolutely you want a safe place for your child to grow up in.

But the mention of the word drugs means that people should be written off as "addicts" with no hope of getting into any relationship and be an automatic danger to people? (Im talking about in general, not the above post).

I think thats sad. And as Ive said before Ive worked with people who use drugs long enough to know just how some people lie and manipulate others. But Ive also worked with people who are in recovery and its my view that everyone deserves a second chance.

And I agree, right now its probably better that the daughter and this man are just friends for both their sakes, if he gets clean and stays clean and something develops along the line then fair enough.

And I think its great that you are concerned enough about your daughter to try and support her decision on this and offer practical help.

phill99

Is this thread for real?

hollydays

paulineb wrote: »

Has it been said on the thread that hes a heroin user? If it has I must have missed it.

I worked with someone who tried and yes failed to get clean a number of times, but when he did it, he stopped taking drugs, he didnt use heroin but he used methadone, he used prescription drugs, he got clean and hes still clean 15 years on. And he was in a relationship with someone within a couple of years.

I absolutely appreciate the fact that people can take more than once to get clean and stay clean and I appreciate that relapse is a major issue.

But as I said before, people are individuals. If someone comes through treatment and manages not to use, they arent a risk to anyone.

There are people out there who use all kinds of drugs and are around kids, I see it every day where I live, some of them have numerous kids and social services are involved with the family but the kids havent been removed. And absolutely you want a safe place for your child to grow up in.

But the mention of the word drugs means that people should be written off as "addicts" with no hope of getting into any relationship and be an automatic danger to people? (Im talking about in general, not the above post).

I think thats sad. And as Ive said before Ive worked with people who use drugs long enough to know just how some people lie and manipulate others. But Ive also worked with people who are in recovery and its my view that everyone deserves a second chance.

And I agree, right now its probably better that the daughter and this man are just friends for both their sakes, if he gets clean and stays clean and something develops along the line then fair enough.

And I think its great that you are concerned enough about your daughter to try and support her decision on this and offer practical help.

It hasn't been said what his drug of choice is , that's the point , she doesn't know.Lets not pretend its all roses round the door. I wish him well, I wish her safety.Iwonder how knowledgeable she is about addiction, I hope she goes in with her eyes open. She should very soon be told what drugs he has been using.

lostinrates

paulineb wrote: »

Has it been said on the thread that hes a heroin user? If it has I must have missed it.

I worked with someone who tried and yes failed to get clean a number of times, but when he did it, he stopped taking drugs, he didnt use heroin but he used methadone, he used prescription drugs, he got clean and hes still clean 15 years on. And he was in a relationship with someone within a couple of years.
two years on is very different to 'while still in the very early stage of recovery'. In two years of singledom one hopes time has been there to help start becoming strong within oneself and getting wise to the signs of dependancy on people as well as substances
I absolutely appreciate the fact that people can take more than once to get clean and stay clean and I appreciate that relapse is a major issue.

But as I said before, people are individuals. If someone comes through treatment and manages not to use, they arent a risk to anyone.true, I am a huge believer in this. But if I had a child I would want to see someone come through treatment and manage not to use and not be a risk to themselves or others before they became involved in my child's life, as my friend or my partner

There are people out there who use all kinds of drugs and are around kids, I see it every day where I live, some of them have numerous kids and social services are involved with the family but the kids havent been removed. And absolutely you want a safe place for your child to grow up in.this is true too. Many children live with addicts. Just as they live with people of shortcomings of all kinds. Al of us have shortcomings but some can be avoided,
This seems one that can be avoided in the medium term , as the OP's daughter can maintain her friendship with this chap while her ex has the child for example.

But the mention of the word drugs means that people should be written off as "addicts" with no hope of getting into any relationship and be an automatic danger to people? (Im talking about in general, not the above post).

I think thats sad. And as Ive said before Ive worked with people who use drugs long enough to know just how some people lie and manipulate others. But Ive also worked with people who are in recovery and its my view that everyone deserves a second chance.thankfully, second chances are available. But to make them most effective people have to be able to take them, and a period of that time is putting their emotional strength first, and this is most possible when single and not owning anything to a child because putting yourself first a Nd working through some things is not easy and dealing with the wants and needs of others can simply be too much at the same time initially. Later of course, people who have successfully achieved this might even make BETTER partners if they have developed tools they never would have otherwise,

And I agree, right now its probably better that the daughter and this man are just friends for both their sakes, if he gets clean and stays clean and something develops along the line then fair enough.i think that's absolutely right. But it's concerning that so very soon 'something developing' is being mentioned as even being on the cards, Its not ideal for any of the parties involved

And I think its great that you are concerned enough about your daughter to try and support her decision on this and offer practical help.

Being concerned about someone in recovery is not the same as damnation of all ex addicts or users of any kind.

paulineb_2

lostinrates wrote: »

Being concerned about someone in recovery is not the same as damnation of all ex addicts or users of any kind.

Of course its not. Its not my view. But Im sure some people do have that view about people who have previously used drugs or any substance.

I worked with addicts for a long time. I have a post grad in alcohol and drug studies. Im absolutely not an expert in the field, but Ive seen the worst issues where people dont recover and either die or end up in jail due to committing crimes relating to their habit.

And Ive seen people get clean and stay clean. As Ive said already, people are individuals and people need to want to recover and have the will to stay clean. And for numerous reasons, that can be tough.

But, as I said before, I think it is good that a family member is concerned enough to want to ask for opinions/help/support. In the end, her daughters choices are her own and only she can decide how to go forward with this one and whether to tell her ex or not.

cte1111

I think there are 2 fairly separate issues here:

1. When / what to tell an ex about a new partner?

2. Concerns about a grown up child (with a young child of their own) potentially becoming involved with a recovering drug user.

On issue 1, I can't see why the ex needs to be told anything at this point. They've split up, he no longer needs to know about her friends or boyfriends. He has no right to control her relationships, just because they have a child together.

I wonder if they had a relationship where he was controlling? It seems odd to me to be worrying about what he would think, particularly given the fact that they're not even dating.

2. I can understand the concerns about this, if anyone of us were picking qualities in a prospective partner for our children, then a recovering addict would be unlikely to be top of the list. However it is up to the grown up daughter who she is friends with and dates. All you can do is try and help her come to her own decision about this.

Rottensocks

HurdyGurdy wrote: »

No. You must have misread my OP. My daughter has spent two hours at the park with her daughter and an EX-drug addict. Not a current drug addict.

Hmm, I'd like to say I'm an ex smoker, but if I'm honest I still get cravings..... I therefore believe that although I don't smoke, I am still something of an addict: does that make sense? Even someone who has been through rehab is going to have a propensity to go back on that substance from time to time, and that could be a risk.

However, someone seeking treatment deserves second chances, and there's no reason your daughter shouldn't see him, although I don't think this chap should spend any time around the baby daughter until he's successfully come through his rehab stint at the very least. That's what I'd be telling my daughter, at any rate!

If this guy isn't spending any time around the baby, then there is nothing to tell the ex, is there?

HurdyGurdy

Thank you all

I take on board all your replies and views. That's why I posted before I gave any opinions to my daughter. I freely admit I am woefully uninformed about drugs, and probably very naive about prospects of complete rehabilitation.

I do have respect for anyone who can admit they have a problem and seek help, and I really do hope that this man is successful in this. And I know that being a drugs user or ex user, doesn't per se make someone a danger to children, and therefore my grand-daughter is safe.

But all my instincts are screaming "tell her to run like the wind". I didn't want my own ignorance and prejudice to prevent her from developing a relationship, if I was just overreacting, which is why I asked the question here.

However, my OP wasn't about whether or not my daughter should enter into this relationship, but rather when or if she should tell her ex about the new man.

The majority view seems to be that she shouldn't have to. At least not until any relationship has developed and looks to be becoming a more serious one.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply, and I am grateful for the information that has been provided.